I received news that someone I've know n since I was 12 killed himself this week. The reason I took the name "late" on here is because my window is closed, I have too many people I'm responsible for. My friend had the opposite problem as things kept circling him. His world became smaller and he wasn't one to change course. I feel horrid because I was unsurprised, but feel horrid that he was so alone. I was expecting to see him when next I was in town. I keep thinking about the last few times we were together. The last time I saw him we went for ice cream and a drive for no reason but to talk. I am going to miss him, he was almost like the cousin you see at most of the important events, but you're miles apart from. I'm sure I'm still in denial and I doubt there was anything I could do but why have we failed so badly. Why are there scores of men and women who feel so alone or so trapped? He deserved better, but often was so focused on getting his way that he pushed other things away. I know what I have to be, what my roles are but damn I wish there were some way to have made the shadows around him fall away. I understand it, there are times I would have made the same decision. Beyond that lame reality I'm saddened and I wish that it were different.