Lost all hope

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by DarkKnight09, Jul 2, 2013.

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  1. DarkKnight09

    DarkKnight09 Member

    I've struggled for 7 years now with suicidal thoughts and depression. It started when I turned 15 and came out as a lesbian in a small city in kentucky. Skipping classes to avoid people getting into fights for making eye contact with the wrong jocks girlfriend. I learned to walk with my head down and go thru the day being invisible . After high school I thought things would be better i seriously tried suicide once and ended up getting stitches an my stomach pumped and a six month stay in a psych ward and about 5 diff meds to cure me . I was fine for about 2 years no cutting no depression . Met a girl got my own appt things fine . Then just one day I snapped and went frantic searching for a way to kill myself . Nothing was wrong just couldn't stop the feeling . Ended up back in hospital for two weeks and started new meds took that for 6 months and figured I was fine again so came off it . So here I am now . No meds . No job . No house . Live with my gf's mom rent free . The hospital applied me for disability so not expecting to go back to work. Have a wonderful gf of 4 years but doesn't get why I feel the way I do at all. Everyday I struggle with suicide thoughts . I've googled and researched every suicide way possible because I know this time if I try again I want to get it right I don't want go back to a hospital and get new meds and explain my thoughts and feelings to people who don't rele understand I just want to die like Thas it I just need to find the perfect way too . The perfect day too. I think I have a way but part of me still holds back doing it because of how I know my gf will feel . If it weren't for her I would be dead I know it she knows it . Idk whts worse thou living only for her when I'm miserable or killing myself for me and leaving her miserable . Cutting drinking sleeping pills nothing works nothing helps the thoughts at all nothing makes these feelings go away . I feel like I was meant to die I should of died last time I tried I just got caught and now ever since things in life don't work out or I fail at because I was meant to die then . I'm at a loss on how to cope with this . I feel dead already and putting on this charade daily is making me worse i can only fake happy for so long til I break . I see no future anymore only a suicide .
  2. critter

    critter Member

    i also see no future, but day by day we survive..some days will b rough bot once in a while you will have a good day, and you have to cherish that good day...then put your head down and fight till the next good day...that is the only thing keeping me going.......you have to live for yourself and all others second
  3. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    did something similar two years ago, I thought I was fine and got off the meds...it took me a year and half to get better because I would cry everyday feeling that pain inside...so never again will I stop the meds....I'm sorry that you had to go through that...it will get better if you now take your meds...it will take time though...
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