I've struggled for 7 years now with suicidal thoughts and depression. It started when I turned 15 and came out as a lesbian in a small city in kentucky. Skipping classes to avoid people getting into fights for making eye contact with the wrong jocks girlfriend. I learned to walk with my head down and go thru the day being invisible . After high school I thought things would be better i seriously tried suicide once and ended up getting stitches an my stomach pumped and a six month stay in a psych ward and about 5 diff meds to cure me . I was fine for about 2 years no cutting no depression . Met a girl got my own appt things fine . Then just one day I snapped and went frantic searching for a way to kill myself . Nothing was wrong just couldn't stop the feeling . Ended up back in hospital for two weeks and started new meds took that for 6 months and figured I was fine again so came off it . So here I am now . No meds . No job . No house . Live with my gf's mom rent free . The hospital applied me for disability so not expecting to go back to work. Have a wonderful gf of 4 years but doesn't get why I feel the way I do at all. Everyday I struggle with suicide thoughts . I've googled and researched every suicide way possible because I know this time if I try again I want to get it right I don't want go back to a hospital and get new meds and explain my thoughts and feelings to people who don't rele understand I just want to die like Thas it I just need to find the perfect way too . The perfect day too. I think I have a way but part of me still holds back doing it because of how I know my gf will feel . If it weren't for her I would be dead I know it she knows it . Idk whts worse thou living only for her when I'm miserable or killing myself for me and leaving her miserable . Cutting drinking sleeping pills nothing works nothing helps the thoughts at all nothing makes these feelings go away . I feel like I was meant to die I should of died last time I tried I just got caught and now ever since things in life don't work out or I fail at because I was meant to die then . I'm at a loss on how to cope with this . I feel dead already and putting on this charade daily is making me worse i can only fake happy for so long til I break . I see no future anymore only a suicide .