Lost and alone.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by minichef, Nov 25, 2015.

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  1. minichef

    minichef New Member

    Hi guys, I hope this is the right place for this. Just looking for some advice, guidance, that sort of thing.

    Right now I am stuck, lost, and don't know where to go. If I can give you a quick summery of my life, and then tell you where I am now. Sorry, I am not a good writer, and sorry it is long.

    I am 25 years old, I had my first thoughts of suicide when i was 13, while at boarding school. My parents had just gone through a divorce, and my mom moved to another city, with my now step dad.
    I was going through a load of bad stuff at school, and one morning I tried to hang myself. I was found by my house master, who took me to my moms after. I do not remember much of that time, I spent a few months in counseling with my dad, was moved to another school, where I lived with my mom and step dad. My mom, dad and step dad were all friends, good friends in fact, and my dad eventually moved to the same city. The rest of my time at school was great, good friends, girlfriends, family life, all great. I wasn't doing too well at school though, I did really bad in almost all of my exams.

    When I was 17 I studied International Tourism and business, I did well in those exams.
    I decided to travel to the UK to join the British Army. In between army tests and physical training I started working in restaurants as a pot washer / commis chef, I then decided that was what I wanted to do with my life, become a chef. I was accepted into the army, but turned it down to start my career as a chef.
    I spent a year working in London training appie as a chef. Early 2009 I started getting home sick, feeling down and started cutting myself, the first time was suicidal, but it didn't work, and then became a relief, I started cutting more and more. I decided to return home.

    Moving back in with my mom and step dad was a challenge. My step dad is old, and stuck in his ways, and didn't really want me around, He is a great person, and I have huge respect for him.
    My dad was working in Afghanistan, and trying to get me into universities, so I could study to be a chef, I was accepted into a few, New Zealand, South Africa, but all were either too expensive or I had problems with visas.
    My dad passed away while he was working overseas, It hit me really hard.

    After a few years of things going really well for me, good job, living in my home town, I started to get sick, and was eventually diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I lost my job, and was kind of force to move back in with my mom and step dad, he was the one who did the forced moving while I was in hospital.
    While living with them, my mom tried to get me help, but the doctors where I live are still a bit backwards when it comes to mental health, and nothing seemed to work.

    After another year, going through a few jobs, and really bad patches of cutting and more and more attempts I decided to sell my car, and pretty much all I had to go to the UK to sort out my health problems. I was there for 2 months, and couldn't handle being alone. My mom told me to come back and in her words, " I will look after you my boy, we will get you help"
    I moved back, but did not want to have to move back in with my mom, so I rented a room in a mess After a month of that, and my mom barley speaking to me, my step dad invited me to move back in with them, witch I did.

    So here I am now, back living with my mom and step dad. jobless, I am broke, and have nothing. They are in a bad financial situation, his business is going under, they can't afford to have me, and can barley take care of themselves. Me being here puts their marriage under strain, I have lost all of my friends, so I don't even have that option.
    I have a job that is meant to start in just over a month, a really good one, but my time has run out.
    Today, my step dad has told me to move out as he can't afford to look after me.

    I feel like a F**k up, all I am is a burden on them. I am useless at everything I try and do, I am useless.
    All I want to do is end it, I am not scared of how it will affect anyone, cause I know it is better for everyone, I am scared of failing, and them thinking it was attention seeking.

    If i try and stay strong, I'm on the street with nothing. Alone, no hope. I am just scared.

    So much more I want to try and say, and proof read, but cant as mom home and i'm balling like a child. cant let her see.
  2. Tear

    Tear Well-Known Member

    Hi, minichef. I always had problems in my family, so I understand your feelings. My parents are also divorced and I didn;t have too much peace. I also feel like I'm stuck with my life, with living with my parents. I feel that I am a burden for both of them and I don''t want that. I also think that they have their own problems and they don't want me around them, that their life would be better without me.

    I'm thinking about finding a job and move to other city. But yes, if you don't have enough money, I imagine it's more difficult to try living on your own, but just start with small steps. Don't give up on being a chef or have other job. I imagine you may feel bad after your step dad told you those words.

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