2012 has been pretty cruel to me so far but I wanted to find some hope. Tonight, I feel somewhat foolish and scared at how much my seizures have changed my personality. I went 6 months with no severe convulsions, which is a huge milestone for me. Today I tried to go out and enjoy my day, only to end up having the worst convulsions i've had in the last 3 years. I was lucky enough to have my girlfriend by my side, to pick me up off the her front deck. I was embarrassed and angry at the same time. When I got home I just went into a depression. Memories popped up with the recent bad events. I got into a bad argument with my best friend and we still haven't talked in months. I finally realized how much I really take things to far and how I was a crappy friend. The blame does not solely rest on him. Life stings even harder because my grandfather who raised me as his son is fighting cancer. I have been unable to see him in the last couple of days because I hate for him to see me have convulsions. I don't want to put anymore stress on him because he feels guilty for not being able to stop them for some reason. I really don't have any friends in my town anymore and it hit me tonight. I ended up crying in front of my girlfriend and she started crying so the day has been pretty hectic. My only two close friends moved, both of them are going through a hard time and when we talk on the phone I always wished I was healthy, so I could visit them. I feel like I cannot comfort those who have comforted me in the past. The loss of friendship or even the ability to see them is really putting me back. I have to wait until August to have a 5 day seizure test, I think it's called a EEG. So that lingers on my mind, I am afraid of being off my medicine. Most importantly I am scared of the backlash from the seizures I had tonight. I really just don't want to have any convulsions tomorrow so I can confront some of the sadness eating me alive.