Lost massive amounts of hope.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by house_atraides, Jul 12, 2012.

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  1. house_atraides

    house_atraides Active Member

    2012 has been pretty cruel to me so far but I wanted to find some hope. Tonight, I feel somewhat foolish and scared at how much my seizures have changed my personality. I went 6 months with no severe convulsions, which is a huge milestone for me. Today I tried to go out and enjoy my day, only to end up having the worst convulsions i've had in the last 3 years. I was lucky enough to have my girlfriend by my side, to pick me up off the her front deck. I was embarrassed and angry at the same time. When I got home I just went into a depression. Memories popped up with the recent bad events. I got into a bad argument with my best friend and we still haven't talked in months. I finally realized how much I really take things to far and how I was a crappy friend. The blame does not solely rest on him. Life stings even harder because my grandfather who raised me as his son is fighting cancer. I have been unable to see him in the last couple of days because I hate for him to see me have convulsions. I don't want to put anymore stress on him because he feels guilty for not being able to stop them for some reason. I really don't have any friends in my town anymore and it hit me tonight. I ended up crying in front of my girlfriend and she started crying so the day has been pretty hectic. My only two close friends moved, both of them are going through a hard time and when we talk on the phone I always wished I was healthy, so I could visit them. I feel like I cannot comfort those who have comforted me in the past. The loss of friendship or even the ability to see them is really putting me back. I have to wait until August to have a 5 day seizure test, I think it's called a EEG. So that lingers on my mind, I am afraid of being off my medicine. Most importantly I am scared of the backlash from the seizures I had tonight. I really just don't want to have any convulsions tomorrow so I can confront some of the sadness eating me alive.
     
  2. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Hey Tony... sorry about everything you've been going through. I had pretty high hopes for 2012 myself... had a bad 2011, 2010, and pretty much every year before that, well maybe I had a couple happy years back in the 80s but I don't really remember anything that far back. Just remember, the year's not over yet. And hey, like you said, you were lucky enough to have your girlfriend by your side... take some time to appreciate those who care about you and who have been by your side and make a commitment to them and to yourself that you won't take them for granted. The special people in our lives are really what makes life worth living, after all.
     
  3. house_atraides

    house_atraides Active Member

    Yeah, the year surely isn't over. I appreciate her a lot and am not going to repeat the process of just taking anyone important for granted. It means a lot to have input, thank you. I hope that this year goes well for you. I like your quotes, are they from the Never Ending story?
     
  4. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    You're welcome, and yes, that's the movie. I'm glad I'm not the only one who remembers it! Great film.
     
  5. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Tony I am sorry that things have been so hard for you. you are lucky to have a girl there by your side, sorry to hear about your grandfather, I hope he does well and the treatment he gets helps him fight the cancer, Your body must be real tired from the convulsions, I hope you find strength each day and i hope things turn around for you this year still, hopefuly this month will go by fast so you can have the test done. I dont have much to say but just know your cared for and you have people pulling for you, and your girlfriend and your grandfather. hang in there your not alone
     
  6. house_atraides

    house_atraides Active Member

    Yeah, I think that was the first dvd I got. I watched it the day after I posted and realized the meaning behind the movie. Amazing movie.
     
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