lost my daughter when she was 4

[kimsmom2005]

i am just now coming to a point that im starting to talk about my eldest daughter. i have blocked it out due to the pain and guilt i feel around it. i have another daughter and she is at the point in her life that she is wanting to know more about her sister. it is so hard to talk about her and then explain to my youngest that her sister died because i made the call. they didn't buckle her and they got in a head on wrek and my daughter went through the window. after 5 days and talking to a lot of doctors and getting second opinions i learned that she would never wake up and will only feel pain. i couldn't put her through that so i made the choice to take her off life support and became responsible for the death of my babygirl. this is a sensitive subject and as i said i am just now getting to a point i can even say what happened. i am nervous posting this because i don't want to get judged again for the call i made. i am scared of what will happen by sharing this the last person i shared it with was the first and they shut me out and wont talk to me anymore so its hard i hope you can understand

 

[Were all together]

First, Thank you for sharing. And, I don't think anyone here will block you out for the choice you made. One of the worst things ever, is to blame yourself for the death of your child. It's a choice no one should ever have to go through. I'm sure your daughter would not want to live a life of just pain. Instead, you gave her peace. Take solace in that. None of us can change the past. It would be nice if we could. But, instead know that you had to do the right thing. I'm sure your youngest will understand. If you ever need support when times get tough. Always come here. And, remember you're not a bad or cruel person. I wish you healing in the coming months.

 

[kimsmom2005]

thank you very much for your words. I do appreciate them. I am just going to take the leap of faith and try to seek help and support and I think this was the best place to start, so thank you

 

[Ash600]

@kimsmom2005 , I see it as a heatwrenching but incredibly courageous thing to do. I remember my dad once saying how it's a parent's worse nightmare having to bury their child, but weighing up the consequences of not making that call and so prolonging her agony, I felt you've made the right choice, despite how incredibly hard it must have been.

 

[1964dodge]

I agree with @Were all together and I know that it's hard to lose a child I lost a nephew at 8 years old and I saw what it did to my sister in law. and discontinuing life support for a relative is a horrible thing to go through, I had to make the decision to do it myself for my father and it tore me up so I understand. the only thing you can do is to remind yourself that you loved her and you did the right thing for her. I sometimes wondered if I did the right thing at first but I reminded myself I did it because I loved him, and i'm pretty sure that happened to you, it's normal. as far as your youngest daughter tell her when you feel comfortable and strong enough. I think going to therapy about it is a good idea and maybe you can explain it to her with the therapist. my heart goes out to you and of course you can talk to me anytime i'm here. mike

 

[kimsmom2005]

thank you all for understanding and the support you have been and are giving to me it means so much to me to be heard right now. I feel like this is a safe place and there is no judgement so thank you all

 

[justrob]

That is a tough thing to go through. It was a very difficult decision to make. The decision you made was done out of love. You did the right thing. You released your little girl from a lot of pain. I wish that you can begin healing soon my friend.

 

[Ash600]

I feel like this is a safe place and there is no judgement so thank you all

Glad you feel that way, and hope this place provides some degree of comfort towards you.

 

[gypsylee]

i am just now coming to a point that im starting to talk about my eldest daughter. i have blocked it out due to the pain and guilt i feel around it. i have another daughter and she is at the point in her life that she is wanting to know more about her sister. it is so hard to talk about her and then explain to my youngest that her sister died because i made the call. they didn't buckle her and they got in a head on wrek and my daughter went through the window. after 5 days and talking to a lot of doctors and getting second opinions i learned that she would never wake up and will only feel pain. i couldn't put her through that so i made the choice to take her off life support and became responsible for the death of my babygirl. this is a sensitive subject and as i said i am just now getting to a point i can even say what happened. i am nervous posting this because i don't want to get judged again for the call i made. i am scared of what will happen by sharing this the last person i shared it with was the first and they shut me out and wont talk to me anymore so its hard i hope you can understand

Hi @kimsmom2005

How awful for that person to respond in that way. To my way of thinking you 100% did the right thing.

Last year Nick Cave wrote a very beautiful reply to a person about the death of his son:

https://www.theredhandfiles.com/communication-dream-feeling/

Gypsy x

 

[kimsmom2005]

that was beautiful to read thank you for pointing me there.

 

[BlueGreen]

Welcome @kimsmom2005 , I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. You faced such a difficult decision, one no parent ever wants to make. I can't believe you've been met with such cruelty. No one judges here, you will find lots of support and we are all available to listen and chat whenever you need to.

 

[Sunspots]

Hi Kimsmom

I can't even begin to imagine how awful it must be to lose your baby like that. I'm so so sorry. How anyone could judge you for having to make that decision is just incomprehensible - it says so much about them, not you.
I'm glad you feel safe here. Keep talking, as much as you want to ok?

 

[Lisa the Ferrociraptor]

I completely agree with the people who say you made the right choice. You did the best thing you could for her.
That sounds like one of the worst positions possible to find yourself in. If anything, i now just respect your bravery and strength to make it through something like that and make the right call for the sake of your daughter.

 

[may71]

No sane or remotely competent person would judge you. How could they? What would give anyone a reason or the right? You did everything that you could have and should have done. You made the most loving and unselfish choice that you could have made. How anyone could respond with anything but tears and condolences is beyond me.

Sending hugs

 

[kimsmom2005]

thank you all for your warm replies and words it means the world to me.

 

[Lara_C]

Thank you for sharing @kimsmom2005, and I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your beloved daughter. It is the worst pain I can imagine, and letting her go to save her from pain, despite your own heartbreak, was the only thing any loving parent could do. I hope that you are comforted by coming here and encouraged to open up as much as you need to in future. I'm saddened to think of the fear you had of being judged negatively for doing the only thing you could do for your daughter.

 

[JacsMom]

I am so very sorry for your loss @kimsmom2005 . I understand your pain and grief all too well. I, too, lost my daughter. She was a month away from her 15th birthday. When something horrific happens to them, we blame ourselves. As parents, we feel it is our job to protect our children from everything life has to throw at them. But, in truth we can't do that. There will always be situations arise that are out of our control. I understand your guilt, because even though I rationally know what happened to my daughter was not my fault, it's the mom in me that still feels that somehow I should have prevented it. I've had a lot of therapy and I've learned you just can't let that guilt destroy you. Every parent I have met who has lost a child feels that guilt in some respect. It's human nature. You did what you had to do and what you thought was best. Your daughter would want you to learn to live without her and your other daughter needs you. It's a very tough row to hoe but it can be done. You will always have times when the grief seems insurmountable but that shows just how much you loved your little girl and I would bet you wouldn't trade the grief for not having had her at all. If you need to talk, I am here for you. Please message me anytime. Unfortunately, only another parent truly understands. I know she is your first thought every morning and last your one at night. Sending you many, many hugs.

 

[GFS]

Hi @kimsmom2005

Let me share a very personal story with you.

When my mom was pregnant with me she got really sick. She was going through very difficult times, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Every doctor she went to told her to end the pregnancy and have an abortion. Back then in my country that meant only one thing: both the lives of the mother and the baby were in serious danger.

And my mom decided to have an abortion. It was only because my father begged her so much she changed her mind.
It was my mother who told me all this few years ago. She told me "I had three other children I was responsible for and I couldn't risk to make them orphans".

And I totally agree with my mom. I would never wanted my mom to go through when she went and still going through just because of not having that abortion,

What I mean is if no one couldn't have done nothing for your daughter, yes you made the right decision. It is a terrible decision but still the right one.

 

[kimsmom2005]

I wanted to take the time to thank you JacsMom. your right I will take this pain of losing my daughter over not having her at all. I know sometimes the pain feels so unbearable and it takes everything in me just to take one more breath. Although I know it was years ago that I lost her I am just now starting to let my feelings come out about it. I guess when I buried her I buried a part of myself and really did close myself off. I am just now getting to the point that I am needing to address this loss and come to terms with it. For me the hard part was when I found out I was going to be a mother again. I felt wrong that in someway I was trying to replace my eldest. I still struggle with this thought. I am learning however, even with as much as my daughters were a like they are two very different little girls. I am starting to finally come to terms that I am not replacing my eldest and it is okay to love my youngest she needs me as well. I think the reason that I am having to finally deal with the loss is because my youngest is asking questions about her sister and although it is difficult to talk about she deserves to know who her sister was even though it hurts a lot at times.. I am so very sorry for your loss as well, it is a pain that I wish no one had to go through and am saddened to hear that you also have had this painful loss. thank you for reaching out to me.

 

[kimsmom2005]

Hi @kimsmom2005

Let me share a very personal story with you.

When my mom was pregnant with me she got really sick. She was going through very difficult times, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Every doctor she went to told her to end the pregnancy and have an abortion. Back then in my country that meant only one thing: both the lives of the mother and the baby were in serious danger.

And my mom decided to have an abortion. It was only because my father begged her so much she changed her mind.
It was my mother who told me all this few years ago. She told me "I had three other children I was responsible for and I couldn't risk to make them orphans".

And I totally agree with my mom. I would never wanted my mom to go through when she went and still going through just because of not having that abortion,

What I mean is if no one couldn't have done nothing for your daughter, yes you made the right decision. It is a terrible decision but still the right one.

GFS- thank you for sharing that with me. also thank you for your kind words that it was terrible but still the right one after learning all the facts to what was going on and would happen. I really appreciate you reaching out to me and I thank you again for sharing that very personal experience.