Lost my father.

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Ellie Grey, Oct 21, 2012.

  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I've said on a couple other posts I lost my father when I was 12.
    I felt very little for a long time. The first year I coped with not talking about it, I could talk about it in a brief/blunt uncaring way.
    That yr, the anniversary of his death a man died in front of me. I've also mentioned that a couple times.
    Around that time I lost it (mentally)
    I lost my virginity, I started to drink and I took an overdose. I had very few friends due to social anxiety disorder. I am lucky I do not go to full time school otherwise I know during that period of time I'd have gotten into drugs. Instead of dealing with the guilt and the anger and grief I became self destructive which lead to that pathetic behavior.
    After I was ditched by my best friend/boyfriend I realized that I had become obsessed with... not him exactly but more like I'd become obsessed with who he was. Obsessed with his safety, paranoid he would leave me for somebody else. Paranoid he'd be attacked and be murdered like my father.
    So that ended months ago.
    Now getting out of it I realize that my obsessive behavior lead to him lashing out at me.
    And I realized that I never "loved" him for I was too young, and perhaps I never actually cared about him at all.
    I just used him to get over my fathers death.
    I finally had to admit it yesterday I had never come close to coming to terms with my fathers death.
    I feel intense hatred for being abandoned by my ex, and somebody taking my father away from me.
    I don't like to talk to my family about my father, I have nothing good to say. He was abusive to my mother and my fathers family don't believe her. I believe my mother so I feel ashamed of my fathers behavior and irritation for my families ignorance.
    But last few months I've realized they are holding onto his image, I can't paint a pretty picture of him because I am realistic. They, as his brothers and his parents will always see him as perfection.
    I forgive my father for his criminal offenses. Humans make mistakes and it's pointless to carry on the hate I feel for my father.
    I feel empty most days when I think of my father. But when it's dark and I'm trying to sleep, he comes into my head and I cry and feel intense grief.
    Now that I am older I can also see the many things I can never do with my father.
    I won't have him me down the aisle if I marry (sorry can't spell it)
    He won't get me a limo for my prom as he once said.
    He won't sleep in the same bed as me anymore. (Since I was a kid -Like 5 yrs old- when I went to see him he lived in a 1 bedroom flat, and when we stayed at his mothers I didn't like being on my own, so he slept in the same bed as me till I was 12 yrs old when he died)
    Anyone got any advice?
    I tried bereavement counseling, it never helped me to be honest.
    And I am now 14 yrs old.
    Thank you.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are so young that losing someone that close, no matter how far from perfect s/he was is horrific...counseling takes time and work and trying something does not mean you were fully invested...Sounds like a good time to try to work with someone again as you are more willing to accept how you feel...so sorry this tragedy has happened to you and please take good care of yourself