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Lost my sister - my everything

nika

New Member
#1
Hello,
Let me write a little bit about myself and my problem.
I am 37 years old. Since I remeber the only really important thing in my life was my family. My younger sister, parents and grandparents. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I lived with my mum and sister until I was 19, when my mum married again and let me and my sister to live alone. Before that me and my sister were not best friends, but after that we really became best frineds. We did everything together. I cared about her all the time and in a way I replaced her a mother. She always came to me when she needed something.

I also had very good relations with my parents and grandparents. Helping them any time was my priority. I never put myself on the first place. The only important thing was that they are all fine and that meant I was also fine. Last year my grandparents died and I was very sad, but very thankful on the other hand to had them for so long.

I dont have my own family, because I still havent met anybody who would be acceptable for me. Not that people are not good enough, but I dont know anybody who would tolerate my commitment to my primary family.

2 months ago my sister started a chat via fb with my workmate that she never met before. Although I told her I dont like that she continued and now they are a couple. There were 2 reasons why I didnt like that: 1. I really liked that guy and he was the only one at work I was able to talk honestly with him. I didnt want to have anything with him because I didnt want to mix business and family 2. I am succesfull at work and wanted to keep it professional. I dont want to share my private life with my workmates.

As my sister and my workmate met they fall in love. My sister asked me to leave her alone and didnt want to spend time with me anymore because she think I am mean and selfish not being happy for her. Although I asked her not to chat with him before they met and before she was in love. I wouldn ask her to leave him if they fall in love after meeting somewhere and not knowing about the situation.

At the moment I feel so lost I dont know what to do with myself. Its been 2 months already I havent seen my sister and spoke to her. She refuses to talk to me. I know our relation was not ok because we were like husband and wife, however we both liked it. She had boyfriends before and I never had problems with that. I was always happy for her.

Now I feel I lost my sister, my family, my bestfriend, my hobby (working for her in my free time), my workmate and the only one at work I could talk to. Thats everything really important that I had in my life.

I dont have many friends. Those I have all have their own families and children. They think me and my sister will be fine in few months and will laugh about it.

I have to see this workmate everyday at work and he reminds me on my tragedy. I live in as small town and am not able to get a new job in a reasonable time.

I was already thinking about moving to another country to forget everything that I am not able to do here. And to start a new life somewhere else. But the idea hurts. Leaving home, new job, new frinds, new surrounding,...

It really hutrs and theres nobody who could understand my pain. I am so alone, I feel do lonely. I try to manage it but after 2 months it feels the same as the first day if not worse. I tried to occupy myself with reading, walking, tv, hobbies,.. but nothing really helps. I dont feel like finding new friends etc. There are some better days, but always followed by the worst nightmare.

I am not able to sleep ok. I am awake, crying all nights. People at work and other people asking me whats wrong with me etc. I told what wrong to some of them, but they are all making jokes out of my problem. They dont see it as a problem, just a little fight.

What do you suggest? What should I do to forget everything and move on? I know I will not be able to trust my sister again even if she finds out what she did and apologize. On the other hand shes my everything and I can not live without her. I hate her one second and love the next second.

My sadness is making me crazy and I am thinking about worst. I know this wouldn make any sence and I also dont want to disappoint my family, however I have to stop that somehow.

Thank you in advance....
 
#2
Perhaps you could write a letter to your sister and put your thoughts down letting her know you still love her even though you don't like what she has done. Tell her how you are feeling and it is making you ill and you still need her in your life. The best way is to communicate then you can both move forward .
 

nika

New Member
#3
Thank you for your advice Elizabeth. I already tried that and wrote her several emails. But she doesnt respond. Shes all happy now and doesnt see anything else except her new boyfriend. She thinks she deserves to be happy and nobody can stop her. On the other hand shes telling to our parents how unhappy she is because she lost me so they are really worried about her. So I have to listen about that and feeling guilty all the time.
 
#4
Well the fact that she is telling your parents she is sad because she has lost you is very telling. She is maybe worried about the fact that you are going to chastise her and maybe its pride . But she would not be telling your parents she is unhappy if she didn't mean it.
Do you live near her ? Do you feel you can forgive her ? If so you could go to her house and leave flowers and a card and tell her you forgive her and you don't want to lose her love and friendship and sisterhood .
 

nika

New Member
#5
I live few minutes away from her. But forgiving her would be a signal for her she can repeat such behaviour over and over again

I am not sure I can forgive her. I hate her one second and cant live without her another second.

Since she doesnt feel any guilt or see she did something wrong she is not willing to communicate. I know she is happy now what is normal - she has a new boyfriend, everything is new and nice. But on the ther hand I dont see any sence forcing her to spend time with me if she doesnt feel so. You can not force somebody to love and respect you. No matter what you do. If she loved me she wouldnt do anything like that to me.

I just cant believe she doesnt care about what we had. Well, I guess I thought we had and was soooo wrong all the time.
 
#6
Breakups are always hard, and it may sound odd to speak about a breakup when it is your sister but it feels similar given how close you two were. One of the hardest parts of the end of any relationship is losing that comfortable familiar routine you shared with the person. :(

I do think if you are both willing that time can help.

I'm sorry that you feel betrayed by her and I understand your perspective but at the same time if you've ever been in love you may know how hard it is to switch off those feelings.
If she is happy, then I think you have to try to dig deep and be happy for her. We still have to be happy for happiness of others even if it is not what we would have chosen for them.
I don't think she did it to hurt you so it must feel like the real deal to her. I hope you don't let this get in the way of you possibly reconciling.

Is her birthday/your birthday coming up soon or any other special family date? Perhaps you can give her some space but reach out again soon without chastising her just saying maybe you can have lunch/do something else that you used to do together.

I know it currently feels like a double loss, and it hurts. But if things work out between them in the best way, it could be a win, in that you get them both back, and you have not just a friend but a "brother" at work?

We can express our views to friends, relatives etc on who they date or should date but I think that we have to accept that this is one choice that is theirs entirely. If it goes south, she will also have to live with the result of that choice.

I hope you get through the anger and focus on the love you have for her.
 

Sassy the Wonderful Cat

SF hugger
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#7
hugs sorry you are going through all this I have never had a sister but am close to my mom and could not imagine not having a good relationship with her. I can only say give it time. Time will heal the would between the two of you.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#8
If she met him and didn't know he was your work mate then this would've been ok... so you are going to have to realize that you don't run her life. That's just the way it is. What's done is done and you trying to "show you a lesson" or whatever you're doing by not talking to her now is making you miserable while she's off doing well for herself. You're losing this fight. Do what you have to in order to make up with your sister. You've only got one and the relationship isn't matched by any others in your life. Your parents will be gone some day and you'll have nothing left. Do you want that to happen? nah. Likely before that this boyfriend will be gone and you should be there when that happens as well. Or he won't be gone (!) and you will be just missing out on life - a wedding, a new house, a baby or two. Do you want that? Make up with her in some way. You're literally saying you want to "show her" she can't do this to you and that's bullshit, sorry.
 

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