Lost the love of my life to suicide...

[MissMo]

Hey everyone... I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place, but please forgive me if I am... Also, I'm sorry for such a long post...

I am a 27 year old, (newly) single mother of a 5 year old little boy, and I'm struggling with the recent suicide of his father, the love of my life for almost 10 years.

A little bit about our history: his name is Jon and I've known him since I was a little girl. He was my older brother's best friend and I'd had a crush on him since I was 7 or 8 years old, I swore I would marry him one day. Long story short, we went out one day, fell in love, got our own place, had our son and were supposed to live happily ever after. Forever.

Over the course of our relationship he struggled with alcoholism and brief drug abuse, but more recently he had developed a serious drug addiction. I had no idea that he had started using heroin again until the end of February when he came to me and asked for help getting into rehab. I found out that he had been using for about two years or so, and had started using IV about a year ago. He lost his job and spent our entire savings, among other things. Anyway, I stayed right by his side and helped him through it. He had about a month of being clean under his belt, got a job, then started drinking again. His very first payday, he never came home from work, stayed out all night long. I begged and pleaded for him to please stop, please be sober because I couldn't do this anymore... I told him mid-May that this isn't how I wanted to live and that I thought maybe we should separate, even if only temporarily. I only wanted him to be sober for our family...

Late at night on May 29th, technically May 30th, he begged me to come over and talk to him because he needed a friend. He said he was having a bad day and just wanted to talk. I had just gotten off work and was going to ride home with a friend, but I agreed that we would stop at the house so I could talk with him.

We pulled up, I got out of the car and he was walking up the yard from behind our house. He had a beer in his hand when he got to me, and he asked for a cigarette. I gave him one, he lit it, took one hit and said, "you're really going to do this? You're really going to throw away 10 years just like that?" and I said, "I'm sorry, Jon, I never meant to hurt you..." The last thing he said to me was, "well you did, you hurt me bad..." and I saw a glimpse of the gun for a split second as he took one step backwards, then I saw it flash, I saw the fire and heard the shot. I saw his face and I saw him fall to the ground. It felt like slow motion, but it felt like it happened so fast, too. I remember screaming and trying to get the car door open to grab my phone and call 911. My friend got out of the car and ran over to him and tried to stop the bleeding while I was trying to tell the dispatcher what happened. I begged them to hurry, I begged my friend to please save him and I begged Jon not to die. I kept telling him that I loved him, our son loved him and I was sorry I hurt him. I begged him not to leave us, but he did...

My friend kept him alive until the paramedics arrived and he was put on life support at the hospital. He had imaging scans of his brain later that day but was showing no brain function at all. I stayed by his side that whole day and again begged him to please come back to me, please don't leave me, and I held his arm all through the night. The neurosurgeon came in the next day and did a "brain death test" and he failed every aspect of it. I had no choice but to trust the doctors... His time of death was May 31, 2015 at 7:15am, even though I couldn't bring myself to let them take him off life support right then...

Here I am 10 weeks later, trying to learn to live with this, but I have no idea how to do that. I think about him everyday, I miss him every minute and I dream about him every single night...

It's there anyone out there who can relate? I would appreciate any advice anyone can offer, I'm at a total loss as to what to do...

 

[Unknown_111]

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear that you lost the love of your life. No doubt you severely suffering but the trauma of reliving what you saw will forever be with you. From my personal point of view, you are not to blame as you were just thinking of your son. You must realise that you did not know the what outcome would have been if you would have given him a chance. Also, if you gave him a chance and later on in time things had not changed would he have done the same course of action.

At the moment, you are reliving the events of that morning and over-thinking the situation. You are not at fault and must think about yourself and your son. Picking up the pieces is doing to difficult but you can do it. You must seek professional advice about medication and seek conselling on the situation. You cannot go through this on your own as its too traumatic and it affect your day to day living. You no doubt trying to keep a normal day funtioning for yourself and you son.

Please do not worry now, as the people who use this forum do understand what you are going through. You have to remain calm which I know is difficult but you can do. You should be proud of yourself that you coped for 10 weeks but let us help you now. You cannot do this on your own. I recommend that you use the private diary function to record your feelings as it will help you. You are important but please seek therapy as soon as possible. Talking to others and sharing your experience will help you overcome this traumatic time. Overcoming, such a trauma will take you at least twelve months. It's about dealing about it day at a time but you are no longer alone now.

 

[Joshmorey1]

I just lost my fiancé last weekend. I'm very sorry for you and your boys loss. I know that what I'm saying probably doesn't mean much to you but I am in the same boat trying to recover as well. I am currently unable to provide much of an answer because I truthfully don't know how to move forward either. It's a good thing that you've come to the forum though. Just talking to people that are willing to LISTEN is a way to help with what you are feeling.

I hope that you've come to the realization that despite what happened in your relationship, good or bad, it wasn't your fault for what he chose to do.

 

[Anon21]

I'm here with you.
I grew up with my ex boyfriend.
We dated for half a year, but I was fresh out of a divorce and needed to pull myself together, so I told him I needed to work on me. I continued talking with him, hanging out, etc. I emphasized on a friendship because I didn't hate him, I just needed to get myself together.
He was texting me one night, and I thought he was being dramatic, that I'd talk to him the next day. His friends and I blew him off that night.
Nobody heard from him.
I found him. But I was late.
He shot himself in the chest. I believe he was aiming for his heart. Dispatch asked me where he shot himself. I looked.
I sat by him and screamed at the cops when they showed up because they took forever. Not only did he write me into his suicide note, but his time of death was based off of his last text message sent. To me. At 4:48 am. Telling me that I was the only person who could save his life.
I read it. I was awake.
And I put my phone down because he was being dramatic, he had said this stuff before.
Time of death? 5:00 May 16, 2015.

I didn't pull the trigger.
I still blame myself, as do my old friends.
I moved out of state to start new.
I think of him every day.
I miss him every day.

I wish I could remember that smiling face and goofy laugh. But all I see is that scene.

Still working on the PTSD he caused.

 

[Anon21]

Ps. His name was John, also.