lousy shift at work tonight

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by lauram, Mar 17, 2008.

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  1. lauram

    lauram Member

    Guess this is the best place to post this, had a lousy shift and felt like bashing in someone’s head, everything irritated me today. I knew the ‘dark months’ would be rough, they always are but by now it’s usually improving. But then my colleague/partner died suddenly on 2/16 and that was hell, pure hell. He was 21 and just died in his sleep. His family won’t say what happened but I’d guess a mix of drugs and alcohol, I don’t know if it was intentional, it may have been. Doesn’t matter to me, except if he did suicide then it’s sad to think he was in pain and didn’t reach out to anyone. I kind of think it was a mistake, although he was a paramedic and should have known better, but if he used a supplement he may not have known all the ingredients. Anyway, it is tragic.

    Got off track didn’t I? Sorry, if depression were an odor it’d be valerian, ever smell it? It smells exactly like vomit, makes you want to puke. I feel like something the cat coughed up, I really don’t want to ever leave my bed but force myself. I couldn’t do it the two shifts before my partner died, not because it was Valentine’s day, I couldn’t care less about that, but because I was so damn depressed I wanted to die. Why didn’t I die instead of him? He has a great family, and a bright future. I know life is not fair but this is cruel.
    Here I am an old hag who’s seen more suffering and had more loss than ten people should and I’m still breathing in and out. If I could have one wish it would be to give my brain and the days I have left to someone who could make good use of them. I sure as hell am not. I don’t, oddly, feel suicidal, just terribly depressed and irritable. Okay, enough of a vent, I’ll shut up and go to bed, at least tomorrow’s my last shift for two days.
     
  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    I'm sorry work wasn't good for you today :hug: i'm here if you wanna tlk :hug:
     
  3. lauram

    lauram Member

    Thanks Danni, it’s like that sometimes in every job but I love my job and usually even very stressful nights, like when we have a serious code, I’m not irritated by it. Last night both the census and acuity were high, meaning we had a ton of patients and each one was crazier than the next. And, I mean crazy, not depressed, although most people with severe mental illness are also depressed that isn’t their main issue. It’s a decent place, for both patients and staff, so we get a lot of ‘frequent flyers,’ and sometimes they become so comfortable there that the boundaries between staff and patient begin to blur and when staff set limits the patient is offended. We’re partly to blame, we tend to treat the ‘frequent flyers’ a bit differently, I guess it’s impossible not to when you’ve known a patient for many years – a few have ‘grown up’ in the system. How sad is that? They used to go to our children’s unit and after turning 18 now come to the adult units. Anyway, between being depressed myself, having to deal with an untreated bipolar colleague and a couple of other staff who are not ‘in tune’ with the core staff it was a long, difficult shift. And, tonight promises to be about the same with many of the same staff, I don’t expect many discharges today and anticipate one patient will become violent when he is told he is not leaving although his 72 hour hold has expired. He had to be physically restrained when he arrived and he hasn’t improved much, he refused to take his meds and had to be restrained again so they could be administered. Arrruuuugggghhh, I wish I could find a site or section on a site where mental health workers could vent – I know some reading this have been patients, and shhh, I have too, not where I work but other places, but I think many patients forget that staff are humans first, staff second, from the housekeeper to the psychiatrist, we’re all subject to the same stressors. In fact, many of the docs are more at risk than the housekeeping staff, people tend to choose mental health to work on their own issues. I’m getting tangential so I’ll shut up now, but it feels good to get it out, as my mother used to tell me, ‘more room out, than in.’ Thanks for listening.
     
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