Guess this is the best place to post this, had a lousy shift and felt like bashing in someone’s head, everything irritated me today. I knew the ‘dark months’ would be rough, they always are but by now it’s usually improving. But then my colleague/partner died suddenly on 2/16 and that was hell, pure hell. He was 21 and just died in his sleep. His family won’t say what happened but I’d guess a mix of drugs and alcohol, I don’t know if it was intentional, it may have been. Doesn’t matter to me, except if he did suicide then it’s sad to think he was in pain and didn’t reach out to anyone. I kind of think it was a mistake, although he was a paramedic and should have known better, but if he used a supplement he may not have known all the ingredients. Anyway, it is tragic. Got off track didn’t I? Sorry, if depression were an odor it’d be valerian, ever smell it? It smells exactly like vomit, makes you want to puke. I feel like something the cat coughed up, I really don’t want to ever leave my bed but force myself. I couldn’t do it the two shifts before my partner died, not because it was Valentine’s day, I couldn’t care less about that, but because I was so damn depressed I wanted to die. Why didn’t I die instead of him? He has a great family, and a bright future. I know life is not fair but this is cruel. Here I am an old hag who’s seen more suffering and had more loss than ten people should and I’m still breathing in and out. If I could have one wish it would be to give my brain and the days I have left to someone who could make good use of them. I sure as hell am not. I don’t, oddly, feel suicidal, just terribly depressed and irritable. Okay, enough of a vent, I’ll shut up and go to bed, at least tomorrow’s my last shift for two days.