My boyfriend started figuring out how little I've been eating and that I'm losing weight, so he checks in to make sure that I'm eating enough everyday. However I mentally cannot handle eating enough, so I've been lying about what I eat. And I keep telling him it's okay, that I've got everything under control, and that's a lie too. I feel so fucking guilty about it and I feel out of control but I can't stop. When I eat too much I throw up and then I starve until I get dizzy and it's this addictive cycle I can't get out of but also don't want to get out of. Once I get a job I'm already planning to start buying diet pills because I need to lose as much weight as I can even though I know I shouldn't be doing this. I'm deathly afraid of going back to therapy or going back on medication and so I can't let on how bad things are getting in my head. And I can't let anyone know that I'm like this until I've lost more weight.