Major Depressive Episode IV

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Depressed Since 1974, Sep 28, 2016.

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  1. Depressed Since 1974

    Depressed Since 1974 Active Member

    I live these words: Major Depressive Episode: I've been through at least four EPISODES like a movie series but instead of being fun to watch mine is painful to experience. My doctor told me not to think to much about this being episode four or five. So I say this is the fourth episode. I'm not sure if this one will go away. So far it has stayed steady. Like a new normal for me.

    Daily I wake up and wonder why I have to live another day. I question why I was born and I can't find a good answer. I go to bed wishing my life would end. I have zero self-esteem, zero self-worth and no confidence that life will get better.

    My wish for death isn't a cry or threat of suicide. My thoughts of wanting to be dead are simply an end to the pain of depression. A depression that hasn't let go since my 2013 diagnosis. I suspect the depression has been around for at least 5 years longer.

    Over the last 32 years I've tried more than 25 different combinations of medicine and if you add dosage changes the number of combinations would easily exceed 100 (perhaps even 500). At best the meds brought me a short-term limited mood improvement. Some combinations destroyed it my mood. Meds never gave me more than a few months relief without the dosage changes. And sometimes I would return to the doc to change meds due to side effects within a couple weeks. Talk therapy helped me some but I've had as much luck finding a good therapist as I've had in finding love. This latest depression will not fade.

    People say that time heals...I don't agree time just piles on more hurt.
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. twinklil

    twinklil Well-Known Member

    Hi Depressed since 1974,
    It is so darn hard when depression is not relieved even after trying many different things and combinations of medications. Depression does cause changes in the brain so that thinking that things will never get better is reinforced by life events that not mch has changed in the major depression episodes. Im just wondering in all four episodes that you have had what has worked the best to help as you know yourself best. For me it was getting myself an animal to take care of a little puppy that brough a little bit of light into my every day even though I struggled to take care of him and me. Has anything at all brought you some relief during the very dark days? I also had ECT when nothing seemed to be relieving the down days year and year. Has that ever been offered to you? I think that if talking did help them keep doing that and go into chat here too and chat some more. How are you for supports in your daily life do you have friends or family to help support you. I feel for your experiences of having major depression four times but I am grateful that you are with us.
  3. Yoyogirl86

    Yoyogirl86 Well-Known Member

    How about taking sometime away from everything that is happening in daily for you at the moment? If it helps read an interesting book or take a few hobbies to take your mind off everything? Do you enjoy listening to music, how about grabbing a glass of wine and listening to some tunes or watching your favourite show on netflix?
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