I live these words: Major Depressive Episode: I've been through at least four EPISODES like a movie series but instead of being fun to watch mine is painful to experience. My doctor told me not to think to much about this being episode four or five. So I say this is the fourth episode. I'm not sure if this one will go away. So far it has stayed steady. Like a new normal for me. Daily I wake up and wonder why I have to live another day. I question why I was born and I can't find a good answer. I go to bed wishing my life would end. I have zero self-esteem, zero self-worth and no confidence that life will get better. My wish for death isn't a cry or threat of suicide. My thoughts of wanting to be dead are simply an end to the pain of depression. A depression that hasn't let go since my 2013 diagnosis. I suspect the depression has been around for at least 5 years longer. Over the last 32 years I've tried more than 25 different combinations of medicine and if you add dosage changes the number of combinations would easily exceed 100 (perhaps even 500). At best the meds brought me a short-term limited mood improvement. Some combinations destroyed it my mood. Meds never gave me more than a few months relief without the dosage changes. And sometimes I would return to the doc to change meds due to side effects within a couple weeks. Talk therapy helped me some but I've had as much luck finding a good therapist as I've had in finding love. This latest depression will not fade. People say that time heals...I don't agree time just piles on more hurt.