Many personalities, Please help!

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by AngelofPainandMisery, Oct 13, 2015.

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  1. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    I have mentioned this before on here but I guess I'm kind of asking for advice.

    I don't know when this started, it could have started when I was 3, as that was the first time I tried to hurt myself and wanted to die. Maybe 6 after I was molested. I became aware of something when I was 11, at least knowledge that I wasn't alone in my head. The first time I noticed it was after I had been unable to sleep for about 2 days straight. Partly I didn't want to sleep because of nightmares and I couldn't fall asleep anyways. At the time I blamed it on lack of sleep or maybe voices, but that is not the case. After I was traumatized at the last institution I was at, I knew my former self had died, but becuase they are back now I believe it was one of my dominate personalities, maybe my actual personality even. I realized they might be personalities earlier this year and I am positive of it now, because my dominate personality had changed twice in recent memory, once six years ago and again a month ago.

    There are three classes of these personalities: I have two dominate ones, that decide values and have the ultimate say in descisions, and also regulate my likes and dislikes. 4-5 major personalities, who advise, help make descisions, and give support, these are the ones that "talk". And around 15-20 (maybe more) that are minor personalities, these personalities don't talk but the can project memories, images, and experiences, they also "take control" of me in various situations that I cannot fuction in (in other words I need them in everyday life, I can't do anything without them at all).

    I say they are personalities because all of them have things they like and dislike, have diffrent genders, have their own opinions and values (exception of the minor peraonalities), they are even diffrent ages. Their thought processes are diffrent from "me" they are from "outside" myself essentially.

    They aren't audio hallucinations, as I don't "hear" them, I have had audio hallucinations of music so I do know the diffrence. They are more like your conscious, but a several consciouses of distinct individuals.

    I don't have MPD/DID, I know all of the personalities are there, I don't have lapses in memory when the personalities switch. Nor does my behavior change when a personality switch occures, it is a totally internal process unlike MPD. My external behavior has never changed ever. I haven't been through any severe trauma. Though my minor personalities are dissociative.

    I do have some kind of personality disorder, most likely Avoidant Personality Disorder, or really, really severe social anxiety and fear of people in general. Along with severely limited emotional expression, and very, very low emotional inteligence. But AvPD dosen't explain the personalities. I doubt BPD or any personality disorder with anger or impulse control issues, anger is not an emotion I experience, and things I do impulsively are very, very, very rare.

    I dont know if or if it really matters, but I have suspected CEN had the largest part on this, though I don't even believe that.

    It could be schizophrenia, but I really, really hope not, because that is a life sentence and I will not live that way. I am too young to diagnose or even have symptoms of schizophrenia. Or I was just born retarded and I am just imagining everything.

    But I already know I'm crazy and it is too late to do anything about it.
     
  2. Zname

    Zname Member

    Astrid,

    I recommend to seek professional help but on top of that I am not sure if its allowed to discuss some religious like content. As a kid i had nightmares even now I sleep with the light on. But I have special prayer that protects from nightmares (the last 3 suras of Quran) and wiped body with it before sleeping.

    Please dont hurt yourself I am almost fourty have experience trauma maybe not as bad as yours but I face struggles everyday. You might feel like no one cares about you but people in this forum do, its like a family without blood lineage, family from the same circumstance. You dont know who you will meet later in life who will really love you.
     
  3. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively


    Thank you for replying :)
    I wish I could have professional help but I will not go back to my former therapist and psychiatrist, and I highly doubt my dad will let me pick and choose a therapist or psychiatrist, nor will they listen to me, after all, what does a kid know anyways? Which means I have to wait until I am older and can pay for it myself which is many, many years away. Nor has professional help, helped in the past, in fact it made everything worse, and I don't think I could go through the humiliation and judgement of talking with one anyways.
    When I was institutionalized I learned to meditate instead of sleeping (though I didn't know it was called meditation then) and if I can't sleep now usually put myself in a extremely calm state for several hours that mimics sleep. Though that hasn't worked recently, but I've been able to sleep recently and haven't had any nightmares, in fact I can't even remember my dreams which is extremely unusual for me.
     
  4. MDe

    MDe Member

    I hope you feel a little better Astrid, the physical assault would be enough to develop all kinds of background noise. Humiliation and judgement? I don't see how anyone would want to do that, understanding, yes. I can't comment too much on anything as complex as this, but it seems to me through your writing that you have a good command of the situation even at your age. I wish you peace.
     
  5. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Thank you, it hasn't been easy.
     
  6. Zname

    Zname Member

    Astrid, to be honest I am here because I think i am a good listener and I want to help just like many others here.You will pull out of this and dont deserve any of it.
     
  7. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Thank you, I really want to hope so but I really, really doubt it. It has only been getting worse and worse.
     
  8. Zname

    Zname Member

    please keep coming here and talk to people. try to help others who are in your situattion, you might make a new friend. Life is hard.

    Please count me as one of people that maybe i dont know you , but I do care for your well being. I will pray for you. I pray that you have the strength to survive this period which is short (may not seem that way to you but the time will come when you will look back at it)

    Life is about changes, there always changes even if you stand still

    I believe in life being a purpose, even for the people that suffer such as yourself, the lights are on for a reason, its just too vast an unknown to gamble away ones life. I hope i didnt confuse you , i ramble a lot
     
  9. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively


    Thank you
    So far depression has stolen a third of my life, and almost all of those changes have been for the worst. And I have no idea why I would have to suffer through this anyways (besides my own stupidity), what point would it serve?
    It's ok, you didn't ramble :)
     
  10. Zname

    Zname Member

    you know i never understood depression, until i saw a ted talk and I was moved .. I think i understand but you dont trully know unless it happens to you.
     
  11. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Quite true, but thank you
     
  12. Zname

    Zname Member

    I found this post from Reddit..
    "All I can say is that you should never hate yourself; if you can,turn that anger toward your illness, and it can help you to break free. Eventually you'll have to learn to let go of anger and find other, healthier ways to cope, but it's part of the process. Please remember: no matter how long you've struggled with your illness or how old you are, getting better CAN happen!"

    this is one the beaties of the internet, the ability to quickly query people via their conversations, who have gone through something similar to you

    Hate the disease and do what I did and a relative of mind did with people that bullied us.. we made ourself as successful as we could to climb out of the bullies world so that any time if i ever run into them, i am not broken they dont deserve it, it actually works the other way like my relative, the guy that bullied him so bad was bagging groceries in wallmart. not to look down on the job but to say that all wrongs are addressed eventually ie karma.
     
  13. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    I really want to believe it, I really do, but how can I when everything good is so short-lived and leaves me destroyed afterwards?
    I can't even believe in karma anymore or even that people will get what they deserve,
    because I will keep on getting what I deserve, which seems to be this pain and more pain.
     
  14. Zname

    Zname Member

    well you deserve care from people like me and you are getting it even though its just a few keys typed on keyboard. its us trying to give you a hand out of the pit you are in. I am hesitant to say this but there are different pains that people around the world suffer physical mental emotional.. and the human spirit can make it through.. with a little help. YOu need a little help, you are not realizing it but you are getting a little help.


    while in college i used to lift weights and It amazed me when someone asks me to spot them on bench press, and they have done 8 or 9 reps until they cant push anymore, then it only takes a feathers weight of a push from me ie with a finger and it appears to them as if I lifted it entirely.

    I just want to give you that feather weight of a lift, you are carrying all the burden.

    I have learned things at 39 what i wish i knew at 20 25 or even 15, you think you know what is this life ie the cards you are delt and what appears to be bleak future but the world is really an unknown. I am many states away from my wife and family for work, i never would have thought i will be in this place in 2015. the scenes will change for you as they have for me. start small things at a time.

    If you read this far thank you.
     
  15. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively


    Thank you
    I wish something good would happen to me for a change, something actually good that would change the course of my life, but I can forget about that. People pretend I don't exist and I might as well not, even if something good were to happen it wouldn't change my external circumstances, my parents aren't going to change, school is not going to get better, in fact it will get worse especially next year in college-- if I can even get in, people aren't just going to magically start talking to me or want to be a friend. Its worthless.
     
  16. Zname

    Zname Member

    Hey Astrid,

    I am actually glad that you are going to college next year. It means a change which is an upportunity for getting more healthy and grow. College was a good change for me in terms of making friends and finding people like me. Especially freshman year it was melting pot of diverse personalities/backgrounds its like everyone is cool, partly because it was new to everyone and we are all going through it for the first time. You have higher chance of making good friends there and meet great person.

    In highshcool kids are cruel, in certain aspects more cruel than harden criminals in a jail. Its almost over, you are almost out of high school, I promise life is not as cuthroat college and beyond.. yes you will have asshls everywhere, teachers, boss even spouse but its not as intense as in high school. you can tell i didnt have a great experience in high school.

    Again count me as one of people that acknowledge you. I somehow made it ok, i have a good job, family..although i have been in all kinds of dark places.
     
  17. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    If I can even get into college, I am in the bottom quarter of the class there are only 141 people below me in class rank. Then if I can even get into one, I doubt I can do the work and handle the stress, it just going to be exactly like high school but worse. I will be still living at home, my parents don't want to pay room and board, so I have another 5 years minimum in this house. I don't want to be in a dorm either, because I'd have to have a roommate, probably one that will steal and snoop and just make life even more unbearable. I doubt anything about socializing will change, I don't go out alot or do alot of things anyways because there is no one to do anything with. People are the same every where. It's just like every where else, doesn't matter what I do or say or look like I still get ignored, I still don't know why but everyone else seems to.
    Lastly, I dont even know what the heck I want to study, anything I am actually interested in is useless and impractical. I am probably completely retarded in anything math related, which is what is pratical anyways. I have no special tallents that will make a big diffrence or help me to suceed and stand out in any of the fields I am interested in.
     
  18. Zname

    Zname Member

    THis is public-like forum so i cant tell you much because I am kind of private but..I was not a good student. I had learning disability
    I barely made it outt. It took me a lot longer than the 4 years of typical degree.


    If you make it to college and there are different kinds of colleges, great if not you can do community college great (less debt and you have time to figure out what you want to do).
    as far as math, I hated it and now i wish I knew what i know now back then. Forget variables numbers fractions.. you need a certain mindset to apparoach it and eventually it will open up to you. Having great teacher or two certainly helps but you really need differnt 'operating system' running on how you approach school.
    I say this because a lot of technical degrees need math, in turn you get a decent job, independance and with that you can do what you want while you are young and I mean traveling, games .. i dont know..

    You had bad experiences so Its probably difficult to trust people (to an extent its healthy to be cautious in today's world) but not to the level that you cannot trust anyone at all, for me i dont want to let certain people that violated my rights physically or emotionally to have the power to impair me, although its a fact i was hit, its a reality... however my focus is on healing my wound and trying my darnest to stand taller than I was before ( i am also tricking my self to be better, a fantastic opportunity to motivate).
     
  19. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    School is extremely stressful for me anyways, I doubt any type of college will be any less stressful than high school or middle school or anything else.
    I had one really good math teacher last year who, since I failed algebra freshman year, really helped me understand it and so far her teaching has helped me into this year with algebra 2.
    Yes it's extremely difficult to trust people at all, and just recently for some reason, I trusted someone. I'm not even sure why or why I still do after they completely abandoned me and still won't talk to me at all. Im not sure I should ever trust anyone again if that's what is going to keep happening.
    Right now I don't even think I can make it to tomorrow.
     
  20. Zname

    Zname Member

    College is stressful yes but I don't remember it as stressful as highschool where you are trying to get your best to get into particular colleges. SAT and gpas ... college applications...
    I don't miss that.
    its good to be conservative to an extent but I learned people by opening up and giving people a chance (been burned many times) but its a lesson in life each time (I do make the same mistake multiple times though and that's just me being an idiot as opposed to growing from an experience)
     
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