I'm recovering from an attempt, not physically, but emotionally. I'll be terse while explaining my method, which I'm also sort of upset about, it makes me feel guilty. My friend does alcohol and marijuana and the like, he just like to hallucinate and stuff, and sometimes I'll do it when I'm with him, so he got the idea that we should drink a lot of a certain liquid medicine, I got three bottles. My other friend was also there, so we split two of the bottles between the three of us, it was a terrible trip. The other bottle though, I had left hidden in my bag, which a little later I took into the bathroom and drank myself, I then destroyed the bottle and flushed it, I wanted it to look like an accident. I was being so incredibly selfish, if they would have woken up to me dead, it probably would have haunted them for the rest of their lives. I didn't die, as you can see, I did get very sick though. Onto the motive, a girl. Not just any girl, not to say she's any different from any other girl, because she's pretty normal, the fact is, she's the only girl I've ever been able to look at as being a girl. You see, I'm what's called a pansexual, meaning I love no gender, nor race, nor anything. I love her and I would love her no matter what genitalia she had, what her skin color was, how fat, how skinny she was, she's always going to be her. Which brings me to the story, of how we used to be in love, at least that's what I felt. It was about two years ago, we had been together for six months and things started toppling downhill, uncontrollably, and our relationship ended. I was a little frustrated (didn't talk to her) for about 3 weeks, but after that had faded I realized that this girl wasn't going to go away. We talked, it was kind of abnormal the way we did, like she was happy and positive towards me but she just didn't seem into it like previously. A few more weeks passed, and school started, my freshman year. The first day was good, the second day, horrendous, I walked in only to see her kissing another guy. That was the first time my heart broke, I mean, legitimately broke, destroyed, I didn't know what to do, it was the first time I had felt that sort of pain. I ran to the bathroom at full speed, this looking totally ridiculous as I'm a 220lb guy and I'm normally known for making people laugh and being happy. As I'm running tears begin to stream down my face, I get to the bathroom and my world just falls apart, I begin crying so, so loud, I get out my phone and call my mom and beg her to pick me up, I didn't let her say no. That day was the day my life ended. From then on, everything just went downhill, it was like an alternate path of reality had been torn and I was forced down it. My grades slipped, I became unable to fall asleep, or get out of bed, I didn't want to spend time with anyone, I just wanted to be in my room, on the computer wasting my time, lying in bed staring at the ceiling. All that mattered was my sunshine and I didn't matter to her. My faith in god which was once strong turned to nothing, then slowly past nothing, to hatred, hatred of everyone who had slighted myself and others into believing there was some sort of higher power. Now let me back up, what I described may sound like normal teenage activity, but it wasn't for me. I was a straight A student, I was anti-drug, anti-anything bad, I was a "good" boy, a christian. The alternate reality sets in when those things changed, I became this terrible thing all because of this girl. That's how I knew I loved her, normally I'm strong enough to say "fuck that." and walk away, normally it's so easy for me, but with her... I couldn't let go. I would write her letters, letters upon letters asking her why she wouldn't come back. It's not like she didn't talk to me either, she would call me all of the time, she just didn't treat me the same and it tore me apart. When you love someone, friends isn't enough, friends is almost as bad as them just telling you to fuck off and die. When you are just friends with the one you love, it is like, they are holding you over a volcano by your hair, they can either drop you and you will die, ending the pain, or they can pull you over to be with them, on the solid rock, and the pain will end. But while you are hanging, by your hair, you are in the constant pain of just being a friend, the pain of your entire weight being hung from the follicles on your head. I've recovered a bit recently, I'm actually a bit more cheerful, I still feel terrible I just don't let it bother me as much, it's like I've sugar coated the poison. Recently the reason I want to die, is related to her, but not completely like before. I still love her, I still cry every day for her. Just, recently I've been wanting to have a child, I'm only sixteen, but I've been through so much shit, and I've seen enough to know that, having a child would be one of the only things that would allow me to keep myself here on earth. The problem is, I want it to be with her, but she doesn't even care enough to spend the day with me, let alone share that with me. I just, honestly don't know what to do, I can't make her WANT to be with me, and I can't make her WANT to have a baby with me, it's impossible, and even if there were a way, I wouldn't want to make her feel a way she didn't want. I don't know guys. The only escape from this seems to be suicide, I never feel happy, and I never feel complete, and I know I never will.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for any support.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for any support.