Miserable, lonely, and probably dying.

[Cassandra66]

Hello, I'm Cassandra, I'm from boring, ignorant, backwards, alabama. That's all I want to say for now about me as I'm skeptical if I'll even be here long....I was banned from another website, where I had friends(I don't have any friends in real life) because, apparently, talking about allowing yourself to die if you don't find a mother figure(my biological mom gave me up at birth) and/or a loving friend is "harrassing". Now I'm cut off from them.

I was first diagnosed with depression over 12 years ago, and not long after that, agoraphobia. I've always had social anxiety, though, and it's made it nearly impossible for me to meet anyone. And since I live in a small redneck town in Alabama, and I'm different from the norm....nobody around here likes me or even bothers with me. It's not possible for me to move either, as I am on disability and it's barely enough to pay bills or buy groceries.

I've reached the point to where I'm tired of living. If I had the guts to kill myself I'd already be dead.....so instead I'm drinking hard....and this tooth infection I have...well...I've refused antibiotics and any kind of help. The doctor told me it could kill me in a year as it's really bad. Good.

I can't live with all this loneliness anymore. The people I want to be friends with usually don't like me or get the wrong impression. And I'm so sick of it being guys only wanting to take advantage or use me.I've been abused to much in my life by guys, and my family. I've reached the point to where I just want to be friends with girls or feminine guys.

 

[total eclipse]

I am sorry that you have been banned from another forum hun iknow how that feels it hurts You sound so much like someone i care for in real life It is good you do not let the guys use you If you make friends here and people are kind here they would not want you to not help yourself hun. Please try ok please

 

[Count Floyd]

Hang in there. I know what it's like to not want to be around people. I've got depression and right now it's getting bad. Not much anyone can say that will make it better however you'll certainly have people here you can talk to. I hope you'll keep posting.

 

[Cassandra66]

I don't know....it hurts so much sometimes.

 

[earljames]

I know how you feel I have been isolated most of my life.its hard to reach out.hang on just for another day.I wonder if there is a support group you could go to.but I appreciate its hard with anxiety. God bless u

 

[Cassandra66]

Not in my area, no, I've looked...

I wouldn't have the courage to speak up anyways. I have really bad social anxiety. It's why I prefer getting to know someone online first and then, maybe, meet them one day....I'm not counting on that happened anymore, though. Who wants to be friends with someone who's depressed alot? Not many because most people are heartless when it comes to dealing with someone depressed.

 

[funky]

Hi Cassandra,

I totally understand your feelings and I am going through almost the same phase... I came to the US few years back and have been on my own for years... I was doing great as I convinced myself that all I had to think was of my dream and I eventually started living my dream... few months back I lost everything in life, and when I say everything I literally mean everything.... not having single source of happiness or motivation left but still I am trying to get back on my feet and try to give one last fight before I give up. So just hang on and if it helps just keep on saying to yourself - night is darkest before the dawn

 

[Cassandra66]

I want to thank you for your kind words and encouragements.

 

[bloggergirl]

Hi Cassandra hang in there. My father committed suicide a few years ago and after that, due to financial hardships my mum wanted to also. Thank God we found true faith and pulled through it all. xx

 

[Cassandra66]

I'm tired...I'm through explaining to people why I feel the way I do...only to be ignored or.....forget it.

Nov. 09 1984 to Nov. 05 2013

 

[mpang123]

What do you mean about the date?

 

[kangaroo2]

I read the thread and am passing my encouragement to you to keep going.

 

[Cassandra66]

What do you mean about the date?

It was the date I was gonna die...and I almost did after over dosing on pills. But someone found me before I could find peace. I lied to the doctors at the ER about why I took so many pills....they believed me. I intend to try again...

These forums just aren't helping me, like therapy never helped me

 

[Butterfly]

I am sorry to hear about your struggles, this forum does not provide a quick fix, nor does it fix your problems but we can help by listening and giving you support. Please keep reaching out :hug:

 

[Cassandra66]

Yeah, but I've noticed the same person never responds more than once in this thread.....that's not very encouraging in regards to me sticking around.

 

[mpang123]

Cassandra66, I'm glad you didn't finish yourself off. I was very concerened about you when you posted those dates. I had a feeling that you might have done something. Please be honest to those who you are seeking help from, for if you don't disclose the truth, how will they be able to help you to get better? One thing about this forum is that you can be honest as much as you want to without the threat that someone will put you down or threaten you to go to a hospital. Since we are anonymous, it is our responsibility to consider the advice from the moderators and other supports to get us through the crisis. Give yourself a chance here. It's worth it.

 

[Butterfly]

Yeah, but I've noticed the same person never responds more than once in this thread.....that's not very encouraging in regards to me sticking around.

Not everybody frequents the site every day, we are also people just like you who have our own problems and demons. Plenty of people have offered you support in this thread, it's Upto you what you do with that support.

 

[Cassandra66]

I'm also in need of friendship too. I feel that's the only thing that could help my loneliness at this point...at the same time I'm discouraged about making friends anymore. I had a bad experience with a so called friend just a few days ago....and I've had nothing but bad experiences with people....I'm so confused.. I'm not sure if I can follow any of the advice given because I feel hopeless now and ready to give up....I think I waited too late about calling out for help.. I don't even care about cleaning my house anymore...I'm discouraged from most everything now....

 

[mpang123]

Cassandra66, I am very lonely too. I have no real friends except my neighbors and the people at my group therapy program. I have noone to talk to and to hang out with. I miss the days when I used to have friends that were really my friends. I lost contact of them and now I regret it. Although I wish for friends, I tend to push people away because I fear loss and expect that any type of friendship that I get now is only temporary. That fear of connecting with someone again is keeping me from making anymore genuine relationships. But yet I complain about my social life. Friendships require trust and trust is earned. It takes time and a lot of courage to keep a relationship going. I feel your loneliness and confusion. Depression affects the way we think and feel. I fall into social isolation and distrust everybody who wants to help me. Depression also decreases the desire to keep up with things such as housekeeping and things that usually matter to us. Believe me, I've been there and back many times in my life. Please don't give up because depression is only temporary. With the right type of meds and therapy, depression can be uplifted and you can function and feel better once the depression is treated. Give it time but please hang in there...we all have to hang in there.