Miss my Mother

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Tmacster1, Jan 10, 2012.

  1. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I lost her to suicide when I was 11. I know that was seven years ago, but I'll always miss her. She left me with questions that I won't have the answers to. I tend to blame myself, because we argued that night before she committed suicide. I don't know if this will trigger anyone negatively. But all I know is that I miss her more now sense I'm 18 living my grandparents. I'm a survivor of suicide based on a teen link chat I had a few nights ago. I've been depressed before in the past, and I have suicidal thoughts. I'm glad I never physically attempted suicide.

    My mom had her reason she took her life. I don't think I'll ever know the answer why. I just thought I would share this before I get ready for classes today. I've suffered a great loss in my life.. I can't share feelings with my family. I guess I'm scared how they'll react
    or respond to this. I find if easier to talk to others I don't really know. All I know is I got another long day ahead of me.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i know it is hard to comprehend why your mother would leave you hun Just know it was NOT your fault okay YOur mother suffered from illness depression and it won hun it had nothing to do with you Her pain took her away her sadness Who knows hun how long she suffered with it. I know she would not want you to be sad or to suffer like she did I hope you can find someone to talk to hun as it helps A councillor at your school someone aside from family who will listen and help you hun deal with your loss hugs
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sometimes, we will never know why someone does something as horrific as that, especially when she had such a caring and insightful son (I edited this...my bad) as you, but know, you had nothing to do with her feelings of dispair...I hope you are getting care to deal with the grief and loss you are experiencing...that is something more painful than anyone can imagine...and please continue to share with us...many of us know what it is to lose a loved one...please be good to yourself
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2012
  4. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the emotional support. I'm actually a male, but your reply was dead on. I think my other avatar confused you about my sex. Im sorr about that kind of joined late at night and was tired. But that's okay... Or maybe I didn't set my gender? either way I'll continue to share. Just hiring a rough patch now.
     
  5. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Dear Trevor,

    I'm sorry for your loss....I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you to deal with. Not only am I glad your dear friends are showing such kindness and compassion towards you, but also I really like the above suggestions of seeking additional support outside friends and family.....anyhow, great to have you with us, and I hope your school day went well. Take care. :hug:

    Alex
     
  6. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Seeking outside help has been helping me. I've been doing back and forth emails with Samaritans which help me think about my condition more (in a positive light.) I can't do family or friends.... I fear how they'll react... I really don't want to end up in a mental institution because I miss my mother, and have suicidal thoughts that come and go.

    My mom was only 36 when she committed suicide. So, it's still hard for me to grasp, but I shouldn't dwell on that to much... But, it's definitely hard for me because I could have suicidal thoughts and random depression moments in the future. I wasn't clinically diagnosis with depression even though I had it for a month or two after my moms death. I think that's a pretty normal reaction... I was more in shock than sad or depressed at first. But that's when it started because no one outside close friends and close family members supported me. Some wanted me in a mental institution, but I believe they wanted me at one for my own safety. I think the only thing I don't like about mental institutions/hospitals is that they can lock you in seclusion rooms or strap you down to beds. It's typically a myth but they do... My uncle has manic bipolar-ism and possibly schizophrenia. He was arrested once because of this and ended up in a mental hospital for a week or more.

    Trust me I've seen movies about mental hospitals, of course there Hollywood fiction but still they have some reality checks. If I ended up in one I would do my best to look un-threatening to others. If you knew me in really life I wouldn't hurt anyone. Of course doctors and nurses have rules to enforce. For me if I get locked in a small room or strapped to a bed, it would make my condition a lot worse...

    I had a few traumatizing experiences dealing with this kind of stuff when I was 5. The issue being strapped down arose when I got my tonsils removed... I woke up mid surgery because they either didn't give me enough sedative, or my body didn't except it well. So, that scared me a lot... Because I had no clue was going on. In terms of what they were actually doing because I was to young to understand that. Long story short the surgery was a success. But, I ended up heading to Children's Hospital for a week for a rupture that caused severe bleeding. Literally tons of blood coming out of my mouth.

    Thanks Alex :hug: my day went alright at school. Long day kind of tired. Probably going to have another cup of coffee.
     
  7. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I can identify with your pain and loss . I have been in mental hospitals for depression and suicide attempts, I understand your views on hospitals. Hang in there
    your not alone.
     
  8. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Thank you letty :hug:

    I hope you didn't have a horrible time when you went? I don't know much about mental hospitals/wards. I've only been to one because of my uncle, and to visit friends when they got out. Other than that I've just heard stories and media. I was almost sent to one though, because some of my family wanted me to go... When the other half defended me saying I should be left at home, and go through counseling. I did a lot of counseling, it seemed to help me through the rough time I had. When I wasn't a teenager yet. Now I'm an adult still going through the same stuff.
     
  9. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Hello there. to answer your question, i did have some hard times in the hospital, alot of it was because of the depression and thoughts of suicide, and a lot of guilt. there were things that
    happened around me, that scared me but i was never hurt by anyone. I cant really talk around alot of people, so the group therapy didnt help much, but when I was able to talk one-on-one
    with a staff or doc. that helped. My mom died this past new years eve. I know how it feels to loose a love one. 10 years ago my sister past away on Thanksgiving, I still miss her. I am afraid
    now when ever its a holiday, I think please not another death in the family. stay strong your not alone.
     
  10. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your mother and your sister :hug: I'll be here for you though. I'm willing to listen to you because we share the loss of family members. :hug:

    My mother passed away a couple days prior to Halloween. I can't talk to my family about it. I get nervous and anxiety about how they'll react to me. They tried to put me into a mental ward a year after my mothers death. Because I did indeed have thoughts and wanted to die as well. But I found a great counselor that I ended up opening up to. Mental hospitals will likely still frighten me for a while but I'm glad you found a good doctor/staff member you could talk to. It's a rare thing with my friends who went, because it was for depression and suicide notions. Some were cutters and other type addicts. However most were not a threat, but the staff thought they were. Most ended up getting strapped down and left there. The staff didn't do required check ups. Which is mandated by law, as well as removal of restraints every two hours. At least most of my friends who are doing better now. Told me they had one favorite or favored staff member. Others were just... Well lets leave it at that. I don't want to rant. But I can say if I did go. Which I don't plan to anytime soon but I'll prepare just incase. Most things I assume were myth in the movies I've watched. But than again you don't know till you've been yourself. I'll be with you here letty if you want to talk. :hug:
     
  11. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I did go through some of what your friends went through, I tried several times to commit suicide in and out of the hospital, when my little sister died I lost it I felt it was my fault for not being there for her, she was younger than I, we had a real messed up childhood. the staff would talk to me and try to encourage me, but other times if I showed any anger I was placed in restraints. that made it worst. I am not a violent person I just wanted them to hear me, and when they wouldnt listen I raised my voice. I was dealing with alot of depression, some helped and some made it worst. and know I have those same bad thoughts again the self harm and destructive ones, I wanted more time with my mom i forgave her for our bad childhood I find it hard to forgive myself. you hang in there and remember your not alone
     
  12. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I agree there, restraints would make it worse for me as well. I think the seclusion room would make it more worse. I blame myself for my mothers death because we argued a lot. I always apologized and forgave each other. I haven't physically attempted suicide yet. But One of these days I could flip and do it. I'm stubborn in that regard, but I need professional help. I'm likely going to enroll in counseling at my college. Thanks it's good not to feel alone. I'm truly sorry for you loss's. :hug: I get lonely a lot sometimes. It's good to find a community in which we can express our feelings. Without judgement and rejection. I'll keep listening to you letty. It's good that your talking about your feelings as well.
     
  13. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Thats good your going to get counseling. I got to hand it to you, me on the other hand, I know I need it but fear is holding me back right now. before my mom died I had alot of anger towards her and the things she put us through, but as she was dying I was able to forgive her, but I was left still wondering why she abandoned us for her boyfriend who abused us for many years. I love her and always will. thanks for listening and yes , it is nice to be able to express feelings without being judged. hang in there I know your mother loved you no matter what. thats also what I remind myself of
     
  14. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Trust me its hard for me to go to counseling. It was hard the first time for me... But I eventually opened up when I learned more about my counselor. She was very friendly and went on walks with me. I never had anger on my mother but myself. Because I shouldn't of argued that night with her. It's hard to understand why people do things the way they do. I'm not an expert in the psychology. But I'm sure you mother loved you very much to. :)

    I would say is a major fact in my life. Because I don't know how people will respond to me... Will they think I'm crazy? Dumb... Ect... But all I know is I'll stay open on here. Because I can connect with most people on here. Your one of them, and I'll support you when you need it. :hug:
     
  15. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I understand the guilt you feel. I face it myself, I use to argue with my sister so badly a few times I told her I wish you were dead, I wish I could take it back, I didnt mean it, it was out of anger ,fear, resentment. by the way your not dumb or crazy, it takes courage to get counseling and to be open. stay strong .
     
  16. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Thanks letty :hug:

    I know, I'm surprised I'm willing to do counseling again. I've always been private and never was able to express my feelings with others. I seem to be opening up more now sense I've joined here and the Samaritans email listing. I know what your feeling about wishing you could take that back. I wish I could take back the things I've said to her... I know I can't now, but if she's looking down on me now. She knows I'm truly sorry. I just miss her so much. She'll remain in my heart always no matter what happens. I'll continue to stay strong in trying to get help with my suicidal thoughts and minor depression. I believe I could be depressed as well to a degree. Keep sharing with me if you want letty :hug:
     
  17. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I believe she knows your truly sorry, if anything stay strong for her. I know its hard I just heard something that triggered all kinds of bad , depressing thoughts, but this forum has helped, just to know there are people like you and the others that understand. I will like to keep sharing with you. Thank you
     
  18. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    It's good to know there's other out there with similar problems. Sometimes I feel alone even though I'm really not. I wish I could take back a lot of things but of course that can't happen. I have lots of triggers in my life... It could simply listening to my moms favorite artist (Ozzy) or simply watching T.V. It happens at random times, but it tends to happen mostly at night. I'm glad that I've found a good support forum. Thanks for sharing with me, and I'll continue to share with you as well.
     
  19. letty

    letty Banned Member

    yes , its hard for me at night, I think because its so quiet outside and theres no noise to distract the thoughts, I go through so many changes , I listen to music at night, write, I even have taken walks to the beach. your not alone,
     
  20. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Same, walking tends to help me as well as my 5am jogs. It helps keep my mind off of suicide for a while. Nights are just rough for me sense yeah... It's quite and not much is going on. I don't live from a beach, might be nice to listen to the ocean. Music sometimes triggers me, but I like music when I'm working. I just like it quiet when I sleep, but sometimes I need white noise which can countbas music. Your not alone to letty :hug: