My mum passed away when I was 15 from small cell lung cancer. She was only in her forties. Before that, she had cervical cancer. Her death came as a total shock to me, even though she was in a hospice. This is going to sound stupid, but I had no idea what a hospice was. I thought she was just in another hospital. I remember the day she died, I felt like I was in a dream. I didn't touch or kiss her. I didn't say goodbye 
Her passing didn't hit me until the funeral. It was agony. I remember screaming out and my dad and one of my uncles helping me out of the chapel. I loved her so much, we were very close.
I feel like I've never dealt with her death. I still can't talk about it without breaking down. This is hard to type without getting emotional. I still think of her every day and it hurts as much now as it did then
I've been thinking of going to grief counselling, but I feel scared to do so. I feel like it's something I want to bury inside than let out because it's so hard. After she died we, as a family, NEVER talked about her. Her birthday, the anniversary of her death were never talked about. It was like it was taboo.
For a long time when I was growing up after she died, I thought my dad hated me because it's like I wasn't there. My brother and sister had moved out. We barely talked. I felt like I didn't exist. It wasn't until my first (relatively minor) OD that I realised he cared about me. He broke down in the car driving from the hospital (I had pleaded with him to take me to a GP, who I told I had OD'd and directed me to go to the hospital). He said he loved me and grabbed my hand. I was in shock. I hadn't realised he had been suffering himself.
It's her birthday in May and I'm dreading it. I WANT to talk about it with my dad but I also don't want to upset him. Over time my dad and I have become close. We hug every time we meet up
I care for him and I know he hides his suffering (he recently lost a second wife). I want to talk about EVERYTHING with him. I want to talk about my condition, my self-harm, my emotional problems, the loss of mum, but I can't because he comes from a generation where you just don't talk about these things (he's in his mid-eighties).
Now I am terrified about him dying. I know that sounds horrible and morbid, but he's 83 now. If he dies my major reason for being here is gone.
I don't know what else to say
Her passing didn't hit me until the funeral. It was agony. I remember screaming out and my dad and one of my uncles helping me out of the chapel. I loved her so much, we were very close.
I feel like I've never dealt with her death. I still can't talk about it without breaking down. This is hard to type without getting emotional. I still think of her every day and it hurts as much now as it did then
I've been thinking of going to grief counselling, but I feel scared to do so. I feel like it's something I want to bury inside than let out because it's so hard. After she died we, as a family, NEVER talked about her. Her birthday, the anniversary of her death were never talked about. It was like it was taboo.
For a long time when I was growing up after she died, I thought my dad hated me because it's like I wasn't there. My brother and sister had moved out. We barely talked. I felt like I didn't exist. It wasn't until my first (relatively minor) OD that I realised he cared about me. He broke down in the car driving from the hospital (I had pleaded with him to take me to a GP, who I told I had OD'd and directed me to go to the hospital). He said he loved me and grabbed my hand. I was in shock. I hadn't realised he had been suffering himself.
It's her birthday in May and I'm dreading it. I WANT to talk about it with my dad but I also don't want to upset him. Over time my dad and I have become close. We hug every time we meet up
I care for him and I know he hides his suffering (he recently lost a second wife). I want to talk about EVERYTHING with him. I want to talk about my condition, my self-harm, my emotional problems, the loss of mum, but I can't because he comes from a generation where you just don't talk about these things (he's in his mid-eighties).Now I am terrified about him dying. I know that sounds horrible and morbid, but he's 83 now. If he dies my major reason for being here is gone.
I don't know what else to say
