Miss my mum. Unresolved grief

[Walker]

I've been thinking of going to grief counselling, but I feel scared to do so. I feel like it's something I want to bury inside than let out because it's so hard. After she died we, as a family, NEVER talked about her. Her birthday, the anniversary of her death were never talked about. It was like it was taboo.

Yeah this right here says you need to run, not walk, to grief counseling. Seriously.

As for not being accepted for being gay: this is the thing as far as I'm concerned. People are ignorant with what they aren't faced with directly. On TV, in 1990, when you saw things were just different you know? Sorry to say but they were. PLUS, that reality wasn't HER SON. Mothers love their sons, Brett. You don't have a definitive way of seeing this - no proof positive - but I'll tell ya, *I* think with 100% certainty that you would've come out to her and she might've flinched at it but would have been right there with you in the end, just like you dad is now.

 

[Pebble mouse]

Thanks Walker, I will look into it. I'm in the public system ATM and there can be waiting periods. I saw a private clinical psychologist years ago. John was very helpful/compassionate with my BPD and anxiety. I think I will give him a call. Only problem is I may have to pay a "gap" which I can't afford. He was the senior psychologist at a hospital I used to frequent. I'm sure he does grief counseling too. Thanks man, Brett 🙂

 

[BlueGreen]

Wow, reading this was fascinating for me. Just, i relate to your story so much, we have a lot in common here. And i know what you're going through. Sometimes people act like the loss of my mother shouldn't affect me as much as it does, after 14 years, but it still does. Me and my father don't talk about her too often, but we do from time to time, and i think it's helped us both to some extent, because we have each other who understands what we're experiencing. And i agree with the people who say your mother would have accepted you for who you are. My grandparents had a major issue with me being gay at first, but they grew to understand it's part of who i am and i can't change it, so they accepted me, and my sexuality along with me.

Cynic, I hope you don't believe what those people say or imply. I've knwn enough people(my husband too) who lose parents young to know it will affect them for a very long time, even for life. It changes them, and alters who they are. I don't get, in general, why human beings are not supposed to grieve, or there is a time limit on it. It's so unhealthy. Fourteen years is really not long. Your dad sounds lovely too!

 

[Pebble mouse]

I've made an appointment with a clinical psychologist for Friday week. I tried talking about mum with my dad when I saw him on Monday and he totally invalidated me. I said, dad I'm planning to see a psychologist for grief counseling and his reply was, what? About YOUR MOTHER, that was years and years ago Brett. The way he said YOUR MOTHER really upset me. I felt like I was going to cry it hurt so much. I felt like saying dad she was your wife for fucks sake. U had 3 children with her how can you refer to her like that. It's like he is totally cut off from his emotions. He is like the anti-borderline. I don't understand him anymore. I still love him, but I just don't get it

 

[BlueGreen]

I've made an appointment with a clinical psychologist for Friday week. I tried talking about mum with my dad when I saw him on Monday and he totally invalidated me. I said, dad I'm planning to see a psychologist for grief counseling and his reply was, what? About YOUR MOTHER, that was years and years ago Brett. The way he said YOUR MOTHER really upset me. I felt like I was going to cry it hurt so much. I felt like saying dad she was your wife for fucks sake. U had 3 children with her how can you refer to her like that. It's like he is totally cut off from his emotions. He is like the anti-borderline. I don't understand him anymore. I still love him, but I just don't get it

That's really sad, I'm sorry he reacted that way, Pebble mouse. I'm afraid I do understand how people can be like that from my own family and the generation they came from. Every emotion is just locked down, never to see the light of day or their whole being will crumble. I think you will have to accept that that is how he has coped with it, and look after yourself and your own needs. Good luck with your therapy, you are doing the right thing. Don't worry too much about your dad and his reaction, he won't change now sadly. If it is of any comfort, I know my sister in law should have gone for counselling and she's in her 50's. She lost her father when she was 17. Your grief matters whether he validates it or not.

 

[Pebble mouse]

Tnx BlueGreen. Sorry for not responding to your post earlier. I am not well at all I'm afraid. Nearly got scheduled yesterday I appreciate your support.

 

[Pebble mouse]

I made him cry yesterday He said "my poor boy" then I could hear him crying in bed Am staying at his place for a few days. We both cried ourselves to sleep last night.