I didn't want to post this here because you hated this place. You didn't want me to come on here but I need to write this here because I don't have any other anonymous place like this. I don't want sympathy or anything like that. Mom, it's been two weeks and one day since I found out are gone. I felt angry that you left so early, that you don't have to suffer while I have to stay here; very sad that I will never get to hug you again, talk to you, laugh with you at random stuff that no one else gets. But above all, guilty. I'm so sorry mom. I know I didn't directly cause this but I will never forget what you said to me. On Friday it hit me so bad I couldn't stay in the same room as Wojtek or Mateusz because I felt like it was my fault. That their suffering was because of me. Same later that evening. I guess I will never fully explain it to anyone. Because it's too late. Because there is no point now. Because no one would really understand. I should have listened to you. I'm so sorry I didn't. But I guess you would want me to stay alive. You used to tell me that all that matters is that I'm happy. But that seems so hard now. During these two weeks I wanted to pick up the phone so many times and call you or text you but then I remember I can never do that again. It hurts so bad. I did feel angry but I don't blame you. I know some people do but I don't. I'm so confused right now about some stuff. I would give everything to talk to you one last time. Mom, I will never forget you. Love you.