Mum died at 12.04 am this morning. I sat and watched her take her last few breaths before she fell silent.
She had a difficult and unkind death. She was fully aware of what was happening and pleaded for death to come quickly. It came, but not quickly, it came slowly and painfully.
Life feels very cruel at the moment. How can someone be allowed to suffer so much without the help to pass over gently and with dignity. The hospital drs, nurses and physios kept pushing to the end. When she was clearly dying, death rattle and unable to breathe, the physio came in to sit her up to ease her breathing and told her that she would like to get her into a chair. She had no understanding and no compassion. Drs took hours to prescribe the much needed meds to calm her down and we watched as she became agitated, frustrated and scared of what was happening to her.
I would not wish this type of death on anyone. She had a hard, difficult and painful life and died the way she’d lived.
Now my grief is doubled. I’m grieving my Dad as well all over again. A lost generation, the world keeps spinning but now without them in it.
My relationship with my mum has never been easy but I feel lost now without her there.
Coming back home to my own home, a place which feels like it is crumbling down around me and suffocating me. I feel like I live in a builders yard. Nothing finished, walls removed and never replaced, bathrooms gutted and left for years without completion. The contrast between this and my mums home which is neat and tidy and full of everything that was our past family home.
I can’t stop thinking that after my Dad died we, my mums three children’ were not enough for her, to keep her wanting to stay. She asked us not to grieve for long. She asked us to say goodbye and leave.
I know this is the natural order of things, but this is so hard.
She had a difficult and unkind death. She was fully aware of what was happening and pleaded for death to come quickly. It came, but not quickly, it came slowly and painfully.
Life feels very cruel at the moment. How can someone be allowed to suffer so much without the help to pass over gently and with dignity. The hospital drs, nurses and physios kept pushing to the end. When she was clearly dying, death rattle and unable to breathe, the physio came in to sit her up to ease her breathing and told her that she would like to get her into a chair. She had no understanding and no compassion. Drs took hours to prescribe the much needed meds to calm her down and we watched as she became agitated, frustrated and scared of what was happening to her.
I would not wish this type of death on anyone. She had a hard, difficult and painful life and died the way she’d lived.
Now my grief is doubled. I’m grieving my Dad as well all over again. A lost generation, the world keeps spinning but now without them in it.
My relationship with my mum has never been easy but I feel lost now without her there.
Coming back home to my own home, a place which feels like it is crumbling down around me and suffocating me. I feel like I live in a builders yard. Nothing finished, walls removed and never replaced, bathrooms gutted and left for years without completion. The contrast between this and my mums home which is neat and tidy and full of everything that was our past family home.
I can’t stop thinking that after my Dad died we, my mums three children’ were not enough for her, to keep her wanting to stay. She asked us not to grieve for long. She asked us to say goodbye and leave.
I know this is the natural order of things, but this is so hard.
