This morning I had a fight with my mother. She said I was being verbally and emotionally abusive which I agree I was. But what I didn't realize until she told me that it was outright sadistic what I was doing. She said I was enjoying it. In hindsight I think I very well was. It made me think back. Those violent thoughts I mentioned earlier? I've come to realize (or rather think) that there IS a part of me that is sadistic towards other human beings. It's not sitting well with me. The idea of me having sadistic thoughts and now actions towards other human beings. It scares me too. Not just because of how bad sadism is but it's a sign that my anger is escalating to somewhere dangerous. Sadism is bad. Very bad. I know this. I don't think I'm a bad person. So why am I drifting that way? I don't understand anymore. All I know is that if I'm having sadistic thoughts, it's going to progress into masochism which means I'll be even more at risk of self harm.