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my boyfriend always laughs at me

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by alison, Jul 16, 2015.

  1. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    I am at a loss. I love my boyfriend of two years, and he says he loves me. I think we get along great, for the most part. We have similar values, life goals, enjoy each others company.

    But I'm worried about the romantic piece. We still have sex, but its getting very routine. I have very low self esteem and am very sensitive so I am sure a big chunk of this is my fault. But now whenever I try to initiate sex, or I try to flirt, or I send him a sexy text message.. he just doesn't engage or he laughs at me. I've sent him texts letting him know I couldn't focus in work today because I couldn't stop fantasizing about the last time we slept together and.... radio silence. Last time I did this I didn't hear from him for 48 hours, and it was about something completely unrelated. Other times I will tell him he looks sexy or that I've got his body on my brain, or I'm feeling a bit horny, and he just laughs at me.

    I feel awful. I don't know what to do. Do I just give up trying to flirt with him? Am I hugely overreacting? Am I wrong for wanting to feel wanted, sexually? Do all relationships go pretty platonic two years in? I feel clueless and scared and lonelier than I've ever felt when I was single.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I so not think you are over reacting- if it is bothering you then you are not over reacting. Tel him how you feel, but more importantly, get his take on how he feels when you send him those messages. Perhaps he does not know how to respond or it is difficult for him to respond in kind. Really the only way to solve the issue though is with open communication with him about the topic and find a way to understand each other and how to support each other in a manner that is not uncomfortable for either. Also, is this behavior to those type of messages a change from past behavior, or are these messages a "new thing" to try to spice it up and get him to take more interest? If you never sent those messages for near 2 years then start sending them it is really possible he is just confused about how to respond. He may be perceiving those messages as meaning he is already doing everything right if you are Telling him how much you want him so sees no reason to change...

    I really hope you are able to talk to him and get the situation controlled so you do not feel hurt or uncomfortable. :hug:
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Just from my past experiences I thought I would ask did he ever have any sexual trauma? Or embarrassing sex related things?
    I think he is just laughing it off to fob you off but the million dollar question is why?!
    You need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him and ask him what is the story basically and why is he not into having sexual relations anymore? In my experience guys laugh things off when they want to get out of something, this is something you need to get to the bottom of and ask why he uis acting this way etc..

    Good luck to you!
  4. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the responses :)

    I did talk to him, and I think it went pretty well. Sorry if below is too much information, please don't feel compelled to read lol.

    He said he doesn't know how to respond to me when I'm acting like that, because to him it feels like I'm trying too hard to be someone I'm not. When I met him he was more experienced, and I was basically a virgin (I was raped when I was younger and basically avoided men/dating/sex for much of my adult life). He said that he was originally so struck by me because I was a "good girl", and he's never dated a good girl before. He said the other girls he's dated were all more edgy - both in appearance and personality (i've stalked them on facebook and they have lots of tattoos/piercings/dye their hair crazy colors, and are generally very hot). He says they were very forward sexually with him but then ultimately played games with him and broke his heart. He said I'm the first genuinely sweet girl he's ever dated and he loves that about me - he loves that I'm awkward and dorky and close with my family, and he says that we have the most intimate sex he's ever had. He says he loves that he can take me to meet his mother / his friends, that he doesn't worry I will ever hurt him, and he can see building a family with me. He says he doesn't think of me as hot, but as beautiful and the love of his life.

    So okay, all this great. And he is correct, I am a "good girl" in that sense - I don't play games (nor do I even know how to play games lol), I'm generally honest and try to do the right thing. I dress conservatively, try my hardest to engage in polite and kind conversation. My mother is my best friend, I visit my grandmother as much as possible, I cry at those dumb animal rescue commercials lol. I love that he views me as the kind of woman he wants to make his wife and create a family with, and that he trusts me with his heart in ways he hasn't been able to trust anyone else with. This is the kind of person and partner I have always aspired to be, and it's wonderful that someone thinks of me that way.

    But... I'm still feeling a little stuck. I am a sexual being, and while I enjoy being sweet and polite in most encounters, I am so sexually attracted to him and want to spice things up more. I think my attempts to spice things up remind him of his exes that hurt him, but I don't really know what to do about that. I think we might be heading more in the right direction though - things have been a little better since we talked. It will probably take time.

    I haven't been in a relationship before, and I have overwhelming anxiety about everything, so I am terrified this will never work. I guess I am seeking reassurance. If we communicate well and love each other and have similar life goals/values, are small differences in libido/sexual desire fixable? Will we be okay?

    Sorry for the long post. I know I am a tool, haha. Don't feel compelled to answer - you have both already helped so much :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 20, 2015
  5. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    A lot of couples don't have an active sexual life. Nearly half of those around me. Many of them are happy anyway.

    I can understand your boyfriend being turned off by you going dirty if it's really not your kind. Stay yourself, when you feel a moment is good, ask him nicely if he wants to make love. Also try at different time of the day, a lot of people have a good libido in the morning and almost none at night or vice versa.

    If the problem is more the libido than your approach you will have to deceide if you can live without it. People I know in your situation just have their own fun in the shower or when alone but it's up to you.

    Do not take it personaly, libido and attractiveness are 2 completely different thing. I never heard a guy saying that he had more or less sexual desire because of physical attributes.
  6. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    Thank you! Especially for the last paragraph, I get so insecure about my physical appearance (especially when I look at his exes who were all so incredibly hot). I will try to change my approach and just be me. I don't know if I can live with an absent sex life...but we aren't there yet. It's not so much that I want more frequent sex than it is that I want to feel desired.
  7. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    ok, we talked about it more and he got angry. He says that he used to act sexual and romantic towards me because he had to because he was 'wooing' me. But now that we are out of the honeymoon phase, it is normal for that stuff to die down. He says he doesn't like feeling like he has to work hard anymore. I'm so upset. I feel like I'm the one putting in all the work towards the relationship. I start every text conversation/phone call, initiate every single date or hang out. The last time he has initiated a text or phone call or invited me to do something was probably at least a year ago.

    I love him and am so attached to him, but I don't know what to do if he doesn't want to put any effort into the relationship anymore.
  8. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    Why would he think romantic partners dont have sex after the "wooing" is over? Sharing yourselves in physical intimacy is one of the only differences between a romance and a friendship, and it's one of many ways couples bond. It also helps in making new human beings who build the future of our civilization, which is kind of important. Sex is important.

    Why does he think he shouldnt also pleasure you in that way? If not him then who should? It is normal to want to feel desired and satisfied physically, and it would be selfish of him to not try to rise to expectations; pun intended.

    Is there a large age gap involved? Many older men just dont have a strong sex drive, and it is interesting because, on the contrary, the older women get, the greater our sex drive becomes.

    Maybe you two are just not sexually compatible. I wouldnt want a sexless marriage, and I think sexless relationships between young people is not at all usual.

    You said your sexual relations have become routine. What changes have you tried to make to spice up the experience and turn him on other than sext messages?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 22, 2015