My brother is my biggest trigger.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Mama_Pills, Dec 26, 2012.

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  1. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    I had anorexia about two years ago and recovered, though I still can't eat like a normal person or I will blow up because my metabolism is so fucked up. My brother developed anorexia a few months ago and he is so tiny. He's tinier than me. We weigh the same thing, which is disgusting because he's 5'8" and I'm 5'3", so you can imagine all 125 disgusting pounds on a short stumpy bitch, yeah? That's me.

    On one hand, I know he doesn't look healthy, and I want him to get better because his kidneys are already failing. But on the other hand I miss being severely under weight. I was so tiny and cute and delicate. I had the most beautiful hip bones and the biggest gap between my legs. It was lovely.

    I'm drinking ginger tea so I won't eat for a few hours. I think I want to go back to starving.
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Angela - sorry I need to ask you this, but are there other family members involved in this? Have they taken him anywhere to receive help? Of course you want your brother to get better, .... but I cannot see how this relates to you missing being severely underweight at all - unless I am missing something here, how are the two connected?
  3. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    We can't afford to get him help. I offered to drop out of school to do so but they won't let me. Our insurance doesn't cover any of it.

    I just miss looking like he does, except it was beautiful in my mind. I can't even look at him now, nor can I look at pictures of myself from when I was anorexic, because I think it's disgusting and sad. But I remember how I saw myself in the mirror back then and I was in the best shape of my life.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    So if you're both at home with your parents and there's no money for help, you all are going to have to pull together to help him and try as best you can to think only of his getting better - and in doing that, putting his needs before your own, this will help you too hun, to see yourself in a better light.

    How you saw yourself back then when you were severely underweight and undernourished .... in your own mind, you thought you were in the best shape - although you know that cannot make sense, rationally, to you because you don't want to see the pictures of yourself back then.

    The following is only a suggestion, just putting myself in your shoes and situation, what I would wish someone would suggest to me........ and that is, you two and your parents have a daily (if that's possible) time for a family pow-wow, and work out a means of helping your brother - genuine family togetherness where any walls between any of you can start to crumble, and he feels your genuine love and concern which will strengthen him internally - without focussing too much on the food issue. This will also help you to offload some of the concern you feel because your parents are the more mature-in-years and need to be involved more than they are already in the sorts of therapy which are possible.

    Getting your brother to open up and to talk, as and when he is able, about his feelings about food/weight etc. and for him to be listened to and taken seriously - this will make him know and feel that he is valued, loved and supported, and will redirect his motivation to being able to help himself, like he needs to learn how :) I do hope it goes well for you all hun, But, you must hold onto SOMETHING, and not nothing! :)
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU need to stop now hun and think what your actions will show your brother For his sake and yours stay healthy ok help him to not fail hun help him to get well
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Yes, it was lovely in your mind. Because of the disease of Anorexia. But if someone who did not have the disease was looking at your body, they would have seen someone who obviously was anorexic. In my mind, an anorexic body is a very painful looking body. I have been there. I used to starve. I know what you are saying. But I also know how BD is the great deciever. You mentioned what you weigh. This is a very good weight for your height. Please do not go back into the more active stages of this disease. Because it will own you. And then it will steal you from those who love you. I hope my words are not too harsh. If so, I am sorry. But still I wanted to say it because even though I do not know you, I care. :flowers:
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