My Dad.

[howtosavealife]

My dad was 54 when he died. He always had a lot of heart problems to do with his weight and eventually had a heart attack while he was at home, alone. He had several pills that he needed to take every day to help his blood pressure and flow, but we found out that he hadn't taken any of his medication in the 5 months before he passed.

Although he was never diagnosed, and he would never admit it, I always had a feeling it was a sort of drawn out suicide. He and my mum had divorced a few years ago and both his parents died, which really affected him. I had left home a few years before it happened and we found out that he had gotten into over £10,000 worth of debt and my brother (who lived with him) eventually told us they weren't coping well.

I've tried talking to my mum about whether he meant to die but she refuses to accept it, and me and my brother don't talk anymore. It's made me struggle a lot the last three years, thinking maybe if I was around I could've helped. I feel selfish for leaving him, for not seeing the signs, for not calling and seeing him more. He always told me he was okay, but I should've seen it. When I started self harming when I was younger, I used the exact same lines that he used on me in those five months.

Sorry for the ramble. I just had no one else to turn to and no one else to go.

 

[Terry]

So sorry to hear you lost your dad.
I think you have gone into the 'if only ' phase of grieving.
This can hit at any time, I know I had a bout of it months after I lost my dad.
Try not to dwell, yes there may have been something done that would have made you feel less guilty; but unless you're psychic how were you to know.

 

[SillyOldBear]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. He was a very young man. As to whether it was suicide or not, it sounds like you will probably never know. I can tell you, that from what I have read on the subject, that people are very good at hiding the fact that they are considering suicide. Or denying it when asked. Someone who has decided to die can actually seem very, very happy. That is because they have made a decision and see relief ahead. It is also very difficult to stop someone from taking their life if they are determined to do so. You may be able to put them off for a while, but if they are determined, it is likely to happen. So please be gentle with yourself. Even professionals have difficulty diagnosing and dealing with this. Take time to cherish the good memories of your dad. Keep those alive in your heart.

 

[sahel]

I am so sorry for your loss, If you believe in existence of souls after death, pray for his soul to be in peace and do positive things in his behalf, for example charity, even if the amount is very little. I found it helpful and somewhat relaxing to do good things on others behalves or for their sakes when I feel like I cannot make things up directly for them.