Many people who knows me think that I have nothing going in my life to feel so depressed and suicidal all the time. I should just count my blessings. Well, if it was just that easy, then why do I still dwell on suicide? I'll tell you why. It's because of my frickin mental illness that I've been suffering from since I was 15 and now I'm 44. People don't understand that my demons are my destructive thoughts and feelings that tricks my mind that I have nothing to live for. I've been dealing with hearing voices, extreme mood swings, chronic suicidal ideations and attempts, paranoid and delusional thinking, sexual abuse, drug abuse, and extreme anxiety that keeps me apart from many people who do not understand mental illness. I've been on almost every psychiatric meds out there and I have to keep adjusting or changing my meds from time to time because they do not work or that they are not strong enough. Yes, maybe I have some blessings, but it's hard not to avoid the demons that plague me and remind me that I'm not normal and never will be. I can't relate to many issues that others are experiencing, but that doesn't mean I should have nothing to complain about. People like to be heard but don't want to hear me out when I have issues. They think I have everything going in my life and when I'm feeling down, it's invalidated. I just don't matter.