My demons

Many people who knows me think that I have nothing going in my life to feel so depressed and suicidal all the time. I should just count my blessings. Well, if it was just that easy, then why do I still dwell on suicide? I'll tell you why. It's because of my frickin mental illness that I've been suffering from since I was 15 and now I'm 44. People don't understand that my demons are my destructive thoughts and feelings that tricks my mind that I have nothing to live for. I've been dealing with hearing voices, extreme mood swings, chronic suicidal ideations and attempts, paranoid and delusional thinking, sexual abuse, drug abuse, and extreme anxiety that keeps me apart from many people who do not understand mental illness. I've been on almost every psychiatric meds out there and I have to keep adjusting or changing my meds from time to time because they do not work or that they are not strong enough. Yes, maybe I have some blessings, but it's hard not to avoid the demons that plague me and remind me that I'm not normal and never will be. I can't relate to many issues that others are experiencing, but that doesn't mean I should have nothing to complain about. People like to be heard but don't want to hear me out when I have issues. They think I have everything going in my life and when I'm feeling down, it's invalidated. I just don't matter.

 

Yes, I get you. People just look at the externals and don't understand. "Count your blessings" is a one shot deal and does not form new positive mental habits. Its poor advice. You think about something you appreciate, maybe feel good for a minute, then its gone, and back to the demons.

From my view "count your blessings" however IS one very small tool that can give me some relief if I do it repeatedly and I have to really mean it. For instance "you should be grateful you have enough food to eat" is true, but feels hollow. But I CAN really feel grateful that I have 4 healthy kids and eyes to see. But the feelings don't last however and I need to purposely put the effort forth to do it several times per week. BUT I need about 20 other other very small habits along with that to keep me grounded and actually feel good regularly.

I personally need enough tiny habits and mental tricks that they completely fill my day. So a few times a week I write out my blessings, 3 times a day a read something positive for 5-10 minutes. 2 times per day I pray, meditate or chant for 5-10 minutes. When I'm in my car I listen to positive books on CD. When I listen to music I try to listen to only relaxing music. When I'm not doing that I try to post something positive on this forum or do something small and good for someone, like maybe fold the laundry so my wife does not have to do it. Also, positive affirmations are corny, and sort of work because at the very least they are a healthy distraction. If I'm sad I look deeply at the reasons for my hurt and pain, and I write out what is bothering me until I cry about it to get it all out. Plus I have a list of many other things I can do to keep my head straight. These are all things I have learned in books and I do because I am totally desperate to feel better.

Without these tools I too would be completely overcome with mental demons, fears, anxiety and suffering. The second I stop making an effort, my brain is back on being upset about something. When I wake up in the morning my brain is in a panic until I purposely get my mind into some other pattern. Its a moment to moment choice of focus. Its never ends. Frankly, it takes allot of work and effort and I wish It was easier. It is not natural for me to "just feel good". Basically its like reprogramming your mind using something called the "Tetris Effect" which you can Google and read about on Wikipedia.

 

I hear voices and see things, and have paranoid thoughts and delusions. I know how you feel. I have Schizoaffective disorder. Your problems do matter. And you matter too. Feel free to PM me or talk to me whenever you feel bad or want to.

Best regards,
Kylene

 

Thanks iwanttohelp, you have mentioned some coping skills that are useful to me when I get upset and down. I have written a list of the blessings I have so they will remind me how much I should be grateful for and not anybody bring me down to think less of me. I do pray because I believe in the power of prayer, although I know some of you are not Christians, but we are entitled to our own beliefs and I judge nobody. I meditate a lot to ground myself and soothe me when I'm having anxiety. I am reading a book that interests me, I listen to music a lot, especially upbeat pop music. I try to relate and encourage people in this forum when I'm not depressed about my own stuff. I journal periodically, especially when I'm upset and depressed, but I also jot down positive stuff that happen to me to keep me grounded. I cry because I'm hurting, but nobody seems to understand why I cry so I cry alone until I had enough crying and force myself to come out of the funk I'm in. I try to stay busy to distract me from my demons that always want to consume my mind and get to me. Yes, it takes a lot of work to keep feeling good about myself, but it's worth the effort.

 

Minionkitty, thanks for offering your support. I, too, am schizoaffective. You probably know how I struggle with the illness. It's good to know that someone like you understand where I'm coming from. I appreciate it.

 

Yes, I know how you struggle. I've been on eight different antipsychotics, and really only one or two of them have worked. Loxapine and Haldol have really helped me. Sometimes I feel sad for no reason and feel like it's invalid too. But then I realize that it's part of the illness. I hope you can find something that helps your illness and how you feel.

 

Minionkitty, After so many meds failed to help me, I seem to be most stable on what I am on now. I still have my issues, but they are more manageable for the most part. I find Zyprexa works best for me for an antipsychotic, then I take two mood stabilizers-Lamictal and Trileptal, and I take Latuda for depression, Cogentin for side effects, Klonopin for anxiety, and several meds for medical issues. I am heavily medicated, as you see here, but It's been a good mix so far. At least I'm not acting on my suicidal urges and I'm fighting with my mood swings and depression so I won't have to be hospitalized all the time. I'm thinking more lucid and for the most part, I'm feeling better than expected. I think I should be grateful for my stability right now. It's not guaranteed that my meds will work for me forever, but I'm enjoying the effects of them right now.

 

I'm on Loxapine, Haldol, Epival, Zoloft, and Cogentin. Epival is called Depakote or Valproic Acid in the US, in case that one doesn't ring a bell. Whenever I'm in hospital I get my valproate levels checked. So far they're "therapeutic" as far as I know but sometimes I still feel depressed. I am thankful for my stability right now as well. I was in hospital two months ago with a horrible doctor, she said I just had a horrible childhood, even though I didn't, and was not ill at all. She wouldn't let go of her opinion that it was just a bad childhood. Needless to say I had to wait to go back to my outpatient psychiatrist to gain any help through that little crisis. But I am thankful that my meds help now, and I'm glad yours do too

 

I used to take Depakote, Lithium, or Tegretol, which all requires routine levels checks. However, I'm not on them anymore and the ones I'm taking now don't require level monitoring. I have had horrible doctors too but I don't see them anymore. I am blessed with the doc I have now who has gotten my meds just right. I forgot to mention that you can always PM me too. I'm sure we can have lots to talk about. I look forward to knowing you better. Thanks for being my friend.

 

I have a very good doctor right now too. My outpatient psychiatrist is amazing, it's just hard to get in to see her sometimes.

And you're welcome. I have Skype, AIM, and Yahoo if you ever wanna talk as well