My ED-entity

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by obscure, Jan 26, 2011.

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  1. obscure

    obscure Active Member

    Maybe, just maybe, you could show me i'm as special as you say. Too often i feel disposable, like one day you could just toss me aside and forget. I felt it, I was so sure we'd be together, that you'd love me. So i loved you and waited, so patiently, so many months. Day after day, one broken heart after another, i still believed. I guess i thought it would stop hurting, the tears would stop falling, if you were mine. I got what i wanted, but it's not what i thought. You think i took down my walls, i didn't. They're still there, strong as ever, i just installed windows top show you what i choose to, and only what i choose to. For every tear you watch roll down from my eyes, i cry a thousand more, and for everytime you see me hurt, i break a hundred more. When i say it hurts, you can't imagine the pain. You've felt pain, loved and lost and you've hated but, you've never loved, lost and hated yourself. I'd die to fix it all. So many times i've almost died trying to fix everything and i'd do it again in a heartbeat. I need you. More than you know. I put everybody and everything before myself. I wear myself thin to take care of everyone else. I never think twice about it, "I'm strong enough to handle it. I'll survive". Evevery once in a while, I need somebody to put me first. Not often, I can't want that. Just once in a blue moon or so, somebody could give me some time of undivided attention, make me feel important. Although i would understand if everyone's too busy. I can always wear down a little more. Use the pieces of my shattered heart as razorwire, to keep everyone out, so my loved ones don't see what i'm doing to myself for them, for their approval. I used to be so special, so unique. I had something all my own, that i was so good at. Not like hockey or rugby, where i was never good enough, no. This i was more than good enough and it felt so good. For once i wasn't compared to my brother or sister. For once my skills were better than his and i was smarter than her. My discipline was comparable to military. For once i had something of my own. But they stopped it. Extinguished me and returned me to the shadows of my older brother and younger sister. I have no more dreams, i follow in the footsteps of everyone else. Work, college, work, retire then die. Why should i dream? I'm nothing special. I'm just a girl, who'd die to fix the world. Just a woman who'll die in vain.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you I hope you can be a woman who lives for herself and who can be independant of everyone It is not your job to fix the world hun It is you job to take care of you so you can when you are able reach out to others first most you have to take care of you.
     
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