I had the worst semester ever this last spring. My mental health disabled me (still does in ways), and my sister became my caretaker. I barely could go to class, much less the in person quizzes and activities. I barely passed my hardest class but still somehow managed to get good grades in some others. My parents know that I have OCD and depression and that it’s been bad for me, but I didn’t tell them how bad it’s been for me until they came to pick me up from my college town back to my hometown. They didn’t know how disabling my mental health has been, how my sister was my caretaker, and how i couldn’t go to class. And trust me I have been trying to be more open with my parents about my issues. I asked for medication. I tell them how the appointments go. I asked for specialized treatment. I tell them how the treatments been going. This is a big thing for me, and they asked me why I haven’t told them that my situation was worse than what I said. So I said, “hmmmmmm maybe because for the last FIVE YEARS I asked for therapy, you didn’t give me it and instead kept giving me the advice of just go outside and get sunlight and exercise!!!!!!!!” And my dad was like “don’t start blaming me for things!!” LIKE OH MY GOD. maybe if you realized the reason why I couldn’t take your advice was because I was so depressed all I could do was survive. maybe then you should suggest IDK going to a therapist or trying medication????? And now we had a conversation about what I’m doing next semester. We decided that I’m taking a gap semester to recover. We still brought up stuff that happened in the last five years. He didn’t like that and said that he doesn’t want us to bring up the past anymore and that it doesn’t matter. WELL I DO WANT TO BRING IT UP AND IT STILL MATTERS TO ME. those FIVE YEARS could’ve been SO MUCH BETTER IF MAYBE I GOT PROPER HELP????? IF MAYBE MY FEELINGS WERENT IGNORED.
And you know I started to genuinely think HUH WHY DONT I OPEN UP MORE? maybe because the last times they’ve visited and have been affected by my OCD, he told me that I’m now making everyone suffer, not just myself and that what I’m thinking ISNT REAL. ITS REAL TO ME. THIS IS MY REALITY. And I feel like no one but my sister and my closest friends still think of me as “meow124.” They think of me as “OCD meow124.” IM STILL THE SAME PERSON. Stop acting like I’m a completely different person now. IM NOT. and oh my god. I hugged my dad after not doing so in awhile because of contamination issues, and he said that he missed me. IVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE. WDYM YOU MISSED ME. If this is how I get treated when I open up, I don’t want to anymore. It’s so invalidating. I mean the reason why I haven’t opened up until now is because my past main issues were me being queer, and I couldn’t tell them anything because they’re homophobic. I’ve never told them I’ve been suicidal. IDK maybe that would explain my lack of drive and not wanting to get better. I just don’t like how it took me to get completely to rock bottom to actually go to them for help and for them to finally notice that I’m not okay. I mean every time they’ve visited or that I’m around them, I always try and pretend that everything is fine but really I’m screaming inside and trying not to lose my mind for such tiny things. Anyway, it just feels so invalidating and any time I try and bring up how I’ve felt like I haven’t gotten the emotional support that I needed, suddenly I’m “blaming him” and putting him at fault. AND MAYBE HE IS. IDK learn some accountability and that what you intend to do and your actions don’t equal to the impact that you want. basic lesson but what do I know.
I know that I haven’t been on here in a while. I honestly haven’t been that suicidal in a while. The medication is really helping in not making me stay too stuck on my suicidal thoughts but to also not stay stuck on those thoughts, I need to stay away from suicidal topics. It’s honestly been a trigger for me, so I can only really come here when I really need to vent. Thank you to anyone who has read this far.
And you know I started to genuinely think HUH WHY DONT I OPEN UP MORE? maybe because the last times they’ve visited and have been affected by my OCD, he told me that I’m now making everyone suffer, not just myself and that what I’m thinking ISNT REAL. ITS REAL TO ME. THIS IS MY REALITY. And I feel like no one but my sister and my closest friends still think of me as “meow124.” They think of me as “OCD meow124.” IM STILL THE SAME PERSON. Stop acting like I’m a completely different person now. IM NOT. and oh my god. I hugged my dad after not doing so in awhile because of contamination issues, and he said that he missed me. IVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE. WDYM YOU MISSED ME. If this is how I get treated when I open up, I don’t want to anymore. It’s so invalidating. I mean the reason why I haven’t opened up until now is because my past main issues were me being queer, and I couldn’t tell them anything because they’re homophobic. I’ve never told them I’ve been suicidal. IDK maybe that would explain my lack of drive and not wanting to get better. I just don’t like how it took me to get completely to rock bottom to actually go to them for help and for them to finally notice that I’m not okay. I mean every time they’ve visited or that I’m around them, I always try and pretend that everything is fine but really I’m screaming inside and trying not to lose my mind for such tiny things. Anyway, it just feels so invalidating and any time I try and bring up how I’ve felt like I haven’t gotten the emotional support that I needed, suddenly I’m “blaming him” and putting him at fault. AND MAYBE HE IS. IDK learn some accountability and that what you intend to do and your actions don’t equal to the impact that you want. basic lesson but what do I know.
I know that I haven’t been on here in a while. I honestly haven’t been that suicidal in a while. The medication is really helping in not making me stay too stuck on my suicidal thoughts but to also not stay stuck on those thoughts, I need to stay away from suicidal topics. It’s honestly been a trigger for me, so I can only really come here when I really need to vent. Thank you to anyone who has read this far.
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