You know what would bring me comfort, oddly enough? Well, besides having been able to go to his funeral, at least...because he would have wanted that. It would be to know where he is at this moment. Or 'what' he is. Energy does change forms. That much we know. But how and what happens during this process, how long it takes before we become stardust once again, and whether there's a spirit or consciousness of some sort that stays behind after someone dies. I'd like to know if part of him is still out there somewhere, perhaps even thinking, feeling, or doing something. That's what would bring me some comfort. Just to know what comes next. And if part of him is out there somewhere, just that he's okay.
-
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Please read THIS THREAD about a rebrand for SF.
My father is gone...Just please, no more "I'm sorry's".
- Thread starter Aurelia
- Start date
You're not the only one. I think a lot about how I would feel when my mom goes. She's nearing 70 at this point, so there will come a time when she'll be gone. My feelings about her are mixed. Always have been. On the one hand, I don't hate her deep down, despite feeling that way at times after everything she's done to me. And I don't wish any harm to come to her (unlike my grandmother, who I keep hoping has fallen and broken her neck every time I hear a loud crash upstairs--but she always ends up being okay; I'm not that lucky). But as far as my mother, I have a lot of resentment toward her, but I do still care. I don't think I'd feel even remotely close to how I feel about my dad dying, but I'd still be upset. Mostly over the fact that she never really believed in me or loved me like a mother should. I spent so much of my life hoping that that would change someday, but it never has, and I realized it never will. I'm her daughter. Thus, she merely feels an obligation to care about me...and because of that fact, doesn't show it very well. So my sadness would mainly come from wishing that that was different.
My father loved this woman. He never got remarried or anything. He decided he'd rather be alone than marry some bimbo just to avoid having to feel that pain. Whereas she got remarried a couple of times after him because she puts on this facade that she's not afraid of being and dying alone. But she is. She's terrified of it. I guess that's where my own fear of being alone comes from, possibly. I should take the example of my father instead. At least he stayed true to the one he loved this whole time, despite the loneliness, and perhaps fear, that came with it. It's okay to be alone if you truly believe that there's only one person out there for you, and they're either no longer around or have moved on. In my mother's case, it was the latter because she's a narcissist, who acts like she's so strong and independent and stable. But in reality, she's just weak and afraid. Her mother made her that way, and she made me that way. So maybe the best way I can honor my father is to stay true to what I believe, even if the cost of doing so is being alone. Only problem is, I don't know what it is that I believe, as far as being strong and standing for something goes. I still haven't figured that part out yet.
My father loved this woman. He never got remarried or anything. He decided he'd rather be alone than marry some bimbo just to avoid having to feel that pain. Whereas she got remarried a couple of times after him because she puts on this facade that she's not afraid of being and dying alone. But she is. She's terrified of it. I guess that's where my own fear of being alone comes from, possibly. I should take the example of my father instead. At least he stayed true to the one he loved this whole time, despite the loneliness, and perhaps fear, that came with it. It's okay to be alone if you truly believe that there's only one person out there for you, and they're either no longer around or have moved on. In my mother's case, it was the latter because she's a narcissist, who acts like she's so strong and independent and stable. But in reality, she's just weak and afraid. Her mother made her that way, and she made me that way. So maybe the best way I can honor my father is to stay true to what I believe, even if the cost of doing so is being alone. Only problem is, I don't know what it is that I believe, as far as being strong and standing for something goes. I still haven't figured that part out yet.
Last edited:
I think that we make our own family and I know that there are a number of people here who would firmly contest this statement. I hope that your dad knew that he was important to you - I am sure he did because you have a way of being pretty clear about it when someone is important to you, even if it isn't with the explicit words that most people might expect.
Family of the blood variety isn't more important than the family you choose. I know that there is a lot of centuries-old propaganda that says otherwise but here, more than anywhere, I think that people understand that sharing DNA with someone is not the defining factor for 'family'.
You have family, and you matter to us.
Family of the blood variety isn't more important than the family you choose. I know that there is a lot of centuries-old propaganda that says otherwise but here, more than anywhere, I think that people understand that sharing DNA with someone is not the defining factor for 'family'.
You have family, and you matter to us.
Thank you, my dear Lu. You're right. Family is defined as people who care about me and are willing to be there and support me through the difficult times. You, for example, are one of those people, and I do consider you to be family for that reason. Both you and our monkey friend, for that matter 
You guys have both been there for me and continue to be there through it all. I may have known you longer, but Matt has also been there and supported me all the same in the shorter amount of time that I've known him, and I will never forget that. You guys, @Ash600 , and @Inanimate are like family to me. I love you all.
You guys have both been there for me and continue to be there through it all. I may have known you longer, but Matt has also been there and supported me all the same in the shorter amount of time that I've known him, and I will never forget that. You guys, @Ash600 , and @Inanimate are like family to me. I love you all.
My dad died a few years ago and I remember the hardest thing about it was the conflicting feelings I had. I was sad he was gone but also glad. He had dementia and there was less of him all the time. I knew it was only a matter of time before it wasn't him at all, just a carcass being hauled around with nobody home and I hated the thought of seeing that so it was sort of a relief when he died which isn't something you're supposed to feel when a family member dies.
I wasn't there when he died but I'd visited him in hospital not long before (I hadn't even gotten home when I got the call to come back). I'd talked to him but he hadn't really been conscious so I've no idea how much, if any, he heard of what I said. But one of the things I said was that it was ok for him to go, if he wanted to. That he didn't have to stay or worry about me or the rest of the family. That he should do what was best for him.
And then he died and I felt like I'd given him permission to do it.
Which meant that, on top of everything else, I felt guilty (still do). It meant that every person saying sorry or giving me their condolences just drove the dagger in that little bit deeper because, in a way, I'd killed him.
So yes, I think I get what you're saying about the I'm sorry's etc. So I won't say that I'm sorry for your loss or anything or even that I'm sorry that you're in pain over it. In a way that's your tribute to him. That's how you show yourself and the world how much he meant to you. It'll be hard but you'll learn to live with it. Gradually it becomes easier to bear - not because your feelings lesson but because you get used to carrying it. But there will still be moments when it hurts so much you think you can't bear it. Especially when it's only you that seems to be carrying it.
Take care and keep hanging in there.
I wasn't there when he died but I'd visited him in hospital not long before (I hadn't even gotten home when I got the call to come back). I'd talked to him but he hadn't really been conscious so I've no idea how much, if any, he heard of what I said. But one of the things I said was that it was ok for him to go, if he wanted to. That he didn't have to stay or worry about me or the rest of the family. That he should do what was best for him.
And then he died and I felt like I'd given him permission to do it.
Which meant that, on top of everything else, I felt guilty (still do). It meant that every person saying sorry or giving me their condolences just drove the dagger in that little bit deeper because, in a way, I'd killed him.
So yes, I think I get what you're saying about the I'm sorry's etc. So I won't say that I'm sorry for your loss or anything or even that I'm sorry that you're in pain over it. In a way that's your tribute to him. That's how you show yourself and the world how much he meant to you. It'll be hard but you'll learn to live with it. Gradually it becomes easier to bear - not because your feelings lesson but because you get used to carrying it. But there will still be moments when it hurts so much you think you can't bear it. Especially when it's only you that seems to be carrying it.
Take care and keep hanging in there.
