my final message..

[lost_child]

I find it difficult to write normally, I've wrote this to be read at my funeral, I know its pathetic, I'm pathetic and stupid...I just wanted to let anyone who does turn up to know how I was feeling... none of it makes sense and I apologise, I wish the thoughts would ease.

You all saw her with a smile of her face
going thru life, with no problems to embrace
beliving she could handal her own
so u all left her feeling alone

You believed that she didn't need ur love or ur care
u saw what u wanted to see, not what was really there.
U all ignored the signs that she gave
which has now lead her to her grave

She reached out to you, her mum
but you left her feeling it was her fault, she was dumb
words of pathetic, stupid, annoying and calling her a tart
are words she took right to the heart.

The words u called her, are the words she used for herself
that then lead her to kill herself.
She longed to hear the words like I love you
but they day they came, it rang untrue

words like pathetic and tart that came from the heart
were said with so much truth, made her feel like a spare part.
words like i love you, to ease ur guilt from playing ur part.
but were words said with out emotion or any heart.

She tried to hide the pain she felt inside
show herself and everyone that she still had some pride
but she was running from feelings she was always told to hide
no-one realised or saw that years ago this girl had died

She never felt part of the family,
she always felt she was the enemy
blamed for everything that went wrong
but still she tried to remain strong.

Years of feeling lonely and afraid
feelings of being betrayed
betrayed by those she thought cared
but no more of this can be shared.

Her life became to much, she felt to overwhelmed
She admitted defeat, she couldn't fight
so before she closed her eyes for the nite
she asked me to let you know that now things will be alright.

 

[lost_child]

Would u care for me when all care seemed gone?
Would u love me when all love has disappeared?
Would u pick me up when I fall?
Would u guide me to the light when I’m lost?
Would u hold my hand and tell me it will be alright?
Would u stand by my side when I try to push u away?
Would u be an ear to listen when I need to talk?
Would u listen and not judge me?
Would u miss me if I was gone?
I know the answers to the above..
All love went years ago, still there’s no love to share
Care was just a word, not an emotion to share.
I feel to far, no1 could catch me.
The light when out many years ago, now its darkness I see.
It won’t ever be alright, this is it as good as it gets
I pushed u away and u ran as fast as u could.
My voice was silenced, now I can’t talk.
Everywhere I go, I’m judged on what I do.
No1 cares or loves enough to realise I’m alive,
So no1 would notice if I disappeared and died.

 

[LiverpoolFTW]

Would u care for me when all care seemed gone?
Would u love me when all love has disappeared?
Would u pick me up when I fall?
Would u guide me to the light when I’m lost?
Would u hold my hand and tell me it will be alright?
Would u stand by my side when I try to push u away?
Would u be an ear to listen when I need to talk?
Would u listen and not judge me?
Would u miss me if I was gone?
I know the answers to the above..
All love went years ago, still there’s no love to share
Care was just a word, not an emotion to share.
I feel to far, no1 could catch me.
The light when out many years ago, now its darkness I see.
It won’t ever be alright, this is it as good as it gets
I pushed u away and u ran as fast as u could.
My voice was silenced, now I can’t talk.
Everywhere I go, I’m judged on what I do.
No1 cares or loves enough to realise I’m alive,
So no1 would notice if I disappeared and died.

That's very good.

 

[see]

I would notice. I do care even if I am a stranger, You are not all the things you say and think you are special because in the midst of your darkness you have been willing to listen and help! Your pain has given you the compasion, understanding and wisdom to help others in darkness more than you can ever imagine.:hug:

 

[gentlelady]

What you have written is very powerful lost_child. I hope it will not be used for a very long time. And maybe parts of it will need to be edited as the reason for you not being around is natural not self inflicted.

 

[Jess]

What you wrote was powerful. Thanks for sharing it but I, too, hope that its not used for a very.. very long time.

 

[Luliby]

That was an excellent poem lost_child. I could really feel your emotion and sentiment. Some of the phrases are especially poignant and haunting:

"u saw what u wanted to see, not what was really there."


"words like i love you, to ease ur guilt from playing ur part.
but were words said with out emotion or any heart."

"so before she closed her eyes for the nite
she asked me to let you know that now things will be alright."

That really was a great peom and some of those verses really played out well. Then there's this one as well:

"No1 cares or loves enough to realise I’m alive,
So no1 would notice if I disappeared and died."

lost_child, It is clear to me that you have been neglected. While other children were being told "I love you" and "I'm proud of you", and being listened too... you were not. I wish it had been otherwise. I'm sorry for the way you have been treated and I wish there was someway to re-do it or take it back.

The pain from this neglect is so very very deep. It has robbed you of self confidence, trust, self esteem and more. It's not right how you have been treated and you are suffering for it. I am sorry.

If your life ended now it would be a tragedy and all that you have known would be indifference and neglect. But there is also love and hope and joy and peace and you have the right to experience them! You will not find this in death. Death has become a door you have created in your mind that will ease your suffering. Death is not as you imagine it. It is not the answer.

I have also come from a home of neglect and abuse. It colored my every thought. Mentally it crippled me, my hopes, my self value, my view of how others saw me and how I fit into the world. All of my thoughts distorted, because of neglect. However, now I know about love and hope and peace and joy. I am free. I don't think we will ever forget the pain but it becomes simply a chapter in our book. And the book gets so much better later on that the pain from the earlier chapter is lessened.

It sounds like you are still at home and you are still writing this early chapter in your life. Still in a situation of neglect. I highly recommend a couselor or therapist. Someone on your side and someone who can help you see yourself as a person of value. You deserve better than you are getting and unfortunately, you are going to have to get help. There are a lot of people who want and can help you. let them.

Most importantly: Do not suicide. There is better out there and life does change. I'm glad I went through all the therapy I did. My life is so different from what I feared it would become. My life is good. This can be you too, hold on and seek help. Keep writing to us for support.

 

[lost_child]

I was abused and neglected, it has stopped in a sense that I'm no longer a child. My ex, was violent and still comes over, my mum still emotionally destroys me. sorry, not feeling great, I'm trying to reply but I'm not thinking rationally, sorry. thank you for listening and taking the time to reply.

 

[gentlelady]

It is okay if you don't feel you can reply to what we have written. I just hope you can take these words in and know that there are people who care for you and want to see you continue living. That there can be other options available to you that you may not have thought of or explored. Let us help if we can. You are important. :hug:

 

[theplaya]

u touched my heart u moved me i had tears in my eyes when i read ur post.

 

[YouWillBeHappy]

your poem is actually really good... driven by lots of emotion and I like it
spoken from the heart
but I hope it's never used for it's purpose

the beauty of a poem is that it only has to make sense to the writer, we can only speculate on its meaning

sounds like you need to get your ex out of your life
sounds like you need to get away from your parents

I can't empathize because I really don't know what it's like... but you have my sympathy
hold on as long as you can

 

[lost_child]

I am seeing a psychotherapist and psychiatrist to try and help me move forward but so much more has happened since I started seeing them that Ive not been able to deal with the "real issues" more of just the here and now. I've asked my ex to stop contacting me, and when he's not coked off he's head, or lost at Gambling he does leave me alone.

To be honest, I don't know of any other choices available to me, I've tried to think about what I really want from life and at the moment I can't even think about the future, or what realistically I might be able to get.... I don't want material stuff, yeah they nice but I was love, I want someone to care, I want to be held by hands that won't later hurt me in one way on another, I want someone to listen and then not shout because I said something they don't understand.. I want, what I didn't have as a child, a teenager or in my 20's. I'm 28 and all I ever wanted was my mum to love me, to be like my sisters.. this might sound strange, and I hope it doesn't make u think I'm even more strange or weird then u probably already do, but I look for a mother figure in people, and then I run because I'm scared of being hurt again... I have/had a friend who was excellent, she would call me, she would listen, help me, we were friends but I became scared and I pushed her away.

Sorry I'm going on, u shouldn't have to listen to me complaining their are people worse off then me, I'm so selfish sorry,

 

[Luliby]

You don't sound strange to me. You're making absolute sense. When a person has been neglected and suffers abuse for a long period of time they have a different idea of what "normal" is. After all, if we are the sum of our experiences then you have learned the neglected handbook: "when I reach out for love I get hurt", "when I reach out for love I get nothing", therefore: "I don't matter", "no one cares". These are the messages of neglect.

You deserve better. You have been treated without respect. EVERYONE deserves to be treated with respect and EVERYONE needs love. It's like air!

The fact that you are aware that you push people away is a great start to recovery. It doesn't solve the issue but you have to see an issue to resolve it. After you see an issue you have to reprogram it. you have to tell yourself the opposite is true: "That when you reach out you can get love", "That when you reach out you won't be hurt", "you do matter", and "many people care".

However, if you continue to reach out to the same people that have hurt you, your going to get the same messages as before. It will reinforce your previous beliefs. you need to reach out to people who do care and who won't hurt you.

As I have come along this path of recovery I find it interesting how people who were raised with the concept "they do matter", and "people care", etc... automoatically turn away from negative relationships. They only hang out with people who treat them with respect and offer love in return. I've also noticed that as long as I believe the neglected handbok: "I don't matter" and "no one cares" then I expect people to treat me badly.. like it's my lot in life.. like I somehow deserve it, etc. I am learning this is not true. I want you to know it as well.

It's not ok for you mother to treat you without respect. you don't deserve it and it's not your lot in life. Ideally, drop her like a hot potato and never look back. thats hard to do (I haven't been able to). Once you start sticking up for yourself and demanding respect. setting clear bounderies, etc.. The relationship may be salvageable. but you can expect backlash. Once someone is used to treating you poorly and you stop taking it, they can get desperate to assert their dominance again. Just stick to clear bonderaries and don't give in.

you cannot get lemon juice from a tomato. Your not going to be able to get trust and anything like real love from your mom and ex. however, there happens to be a very full supply of caring and loving people out there but now you have to look for them. You have to learn to trust again. (Thats where a therapist helps) let them be the person you trust to start with.

It's going to be ok.

:harp: