So even though she and I have a complicated history, things have changed. I definitely grew more of a conscience and became more understanding and forgiving. And I think (I hope) she has also. And now that she's in this state--she's in the hospital right now in hospice care, I'm finding myself quite stressed about the situation...not just with her and her potential levels of discomfort (although they're doing everything they can to keep her comfortable at this point and asleep), but also the rest of my family and their grieving process as well. She was diagnosed with dementia, and one day she just stopped eating because apparently the food was going down the wrong way and into her lungs, thereby eventually causing pneumonia and sepsis. If we had only known about the infection sooner, she could have gotten treatment for it before she turned septic, but then again, it would have only prolonged the inevitable because she was surely hallucinating and losing touch of her mental faculties due to the dementia already. She no longer remembered her loved ones, couldn't walk on her own, stopped speaking...this was all before the infection had started to spread. So even if we had gotten the pneumonia cleared up and she survived that, it was still a matter of time because she was clearly no longer herself in any case and getting worse by the day. She's mostly asleep and barely opens her eyes as far as I've been told by the doctors, and they have her on morphine and Ativan to keep her as stable and calm as possible through the dying process. I've never seen anyone suffer like this before. She's now about a week and a half without food, though still getting fluids at the hospital, and that's a scary thought, though my thinking is that she's probably not bothered by the hunger anymore being so heavily medicated. Still, this is all kind of new to me, watching someone lose their mental faculties day by day and have trouble breathing the way she was due to the infection. My grandfather died 7 years prior, but all I heard was the news of him dying at that point because I was still together with my husband, enveloped in the drug-addled toxicity of my marriage, and so sad and desperate for affection that I abandoned the rest of my family when they needed me, which I've asked God for forgiveness for. This time, I went with her to the hospital, had helped my mother take care of her when she was still on home hospice, I speak to all her doctors and relay the messages to the rest of my family...and I'll never forget a few days prior to her hospital stay when I helped my mother change her adult diapers and all, she took my hand in hers and held on to it rather tightly, unwilling to let go. There was this expression on her face that seemed to long for some sort of comfort, and so I stood there holding her hand for some time.
Sorry for the long post. I'll wrap up now. Anyway, I just pray now that she's as comfortable as possible and goes peacefully. But in the meantime, it's just difficult thinking of her situation, as well as my family's grief, and not quite knowing how best to comfort them. I'm doing my best though, and hopefully, that's enough. She's going to likely die at 92 years old, with the dignity of a woman who has also done her best raising her children and creating a home for herself, my grandfather, and all of us. Any prayers would be much appreciated. Thank you for listening.
Sorry for the long post. I'll wrap up now. Anyway, I just pray now that she's as comfortable as possible and goes peacefully. But in the meantime, it's just difficult thinking of her situation, as well as my family's grief, and not quite knowing how best to comfort them. I'm doing my best though, and hopefully, that's enough. She's going to likely die at 92 years old, with the dignity of a woman who has also done her best raising her children and creating a home for herself, my grandfather, and all of us. Any prayers would be much appreciated. Thank you for listening.
sorry for your loss
