My husband sleeps soundly knowing I'm feeling suicidal

[SOS717]

Just a quick background; I have depression and have struggled treating it as long as I can remember. It runs strongly in my family on my mothers side. My sister committed suicide when she was 16 and I was 14. (That's a whole other issue I struggle with)
I've learned a lot of coping skills over the last 15 years but I struggle with my emotional sensitivities and others struggle with me for it.
My husband is one of them and it's so bad lately I've been having suicidal thoughts! I have begged for help but he's not the emotional type and just brushes me aside. And then we fight, I cry and he literally doesn't care if I cry myself to sleep. I suppose he's used to it? But I can't comprehend loving someone, seeing them in pain and being able to ignore it. So naturally I feel ALONE. I told him today that I feel so alone and empty inside that I've prayed for death..... I know he can't understand as he's never felt that way, but he didn't seem concerned one bit. I think I just want some attention. We have a two year old daughter and I'm embarrassed to say that I'm jealous of her relationship with my husband because now everything is all about her. She sleeps in our bed (his choosing) so there is no intimacy whatsoever. In fact he's cuddled up with her snoring already while I'm crying out on the couch. I told him I've been praying for death and this is how he reacts?! Not a concern in the world he has even though his wife is in terrible agony! I don't know what to do to get his attention or help him to understand me. Is it possible he never will and I should consider ending the marriage and focusing on myself and getting emotionally healthy?

 

[moxman]

Hello SOS717 , I am Mox

Thank you for joining us at SF. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I invite you to read my personal story below in green. When you are here, you are safe. No one will judge you. No one will harass you. That behavior is not tolerated here.

Is it possible he never will and I should consider ending the marriage and focusing on myself and getting emotionally healthy?

Let me answer this question, with another question. What exactly are you getting out of this marriage? He does not seem to care how you feel or why you feel the way you. He does not show any "warmth" just "cold".

I feel like he will never change, why should he , he doesn't think you will do anything to change and "shake up" the marriage and give yourself more power in the marriage.

I feel like you have a lot of different issues that need to be addressed by a professional. Have you contacted a counselor or something to help you deal with all these issues of rejection?

Was he always like this or did he changed after the baby was born?

I wish you the best

 

[SOS717]

Hello SOS717 , I am Mox

Thank you for joining us at SF. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I invite you to read my personal story below in green. When you are here, you are safe. No one will judge you. No one will harass you. That behavior is not tolerated here.



Let me answer this question, with another question. What exactly are you getting out of this marriage? He does not seem to care how you feel or why you feel the way you. He does not show any "warmth" just "cold".

I feel like he will never change, why should he , he doesn't think you will do anything to change and "shake up" the marriage and give yourself more power in the marriage.

I feel like you have a lot of different issues that need to be addressed by a professional. Have you contacted a counselor or something to help you deal with all these issues of rejection?

Was he always like this or did he changed after the baby was born?

I wish you the best

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'm so terribly hurt right now. You asked a few good questions.... what am I getting out of the marriage?
Well I'm not so certain anymore. It's obvious he completely lacks regard for my pain... that alone is enough for me to leave. But when I'm not feeling this emotional, I suppose we are good together. It's probably crazy to say that one part of me knows he loves me. And another part is convinced I could die tomorrow and he would be fine.
I always thought I'd be with someone who loves me so much they couldn't live without me (not literally)
My husband has never been one to show emotion (I've questioned at times if he has any) but we've had moments of breakthrough when he tells me things that assure me he has feelings but doesn't feel the need to wear his heart on his sleeve as I do.
I had two daughters from a previous (and emotionally abusive) relationship. He's an involved stepfather and financially helps support us all.
We had premarital counseling and were told how completely opposite we are. It was advised that this could make our relationship flourish or the complete opposite. I do everything I can to understand him and his personality, I do not get it in return. He knew and experienced my depression before marriage. I just don't get how he could have married me with awareness and now walk away. Maybe he thinks I'm crying wolf? Which I am, because as horrible as I feel I would never put my family through a suicide again. And yet I can't live feeling this way. I can't decide if I'm just being crazy and he's sick of it or if he's really a heartless asshole and how I feel is valid. Ugh, my heart hurts so bad.

 

[QuantumLeap]

@SOS717 I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. All I can say, at this point, is that the situation you describe seems to be a very close reflection of my parents relationship... and I know how much pain my dear mother has been through... I hope you find some solace and company on this site.

 

[moxman]

I can't decide if I'm just being crazy and he's sick of it or if he's really a heartless asshole and how I feel is valid. Ugh, my heart hurts so bad.

Has his behavior changed drastically since the birth of the baby? I take a sign that he does not want intimacy with you.

No hun, I feel like everything you are experiencing is real and understandable. He just doesn't seem to give a damn about how you feel. I mean hello, you told this asshat you were suicidal. I feel like he should have called someone to come over and watch the girls while he takes you to the hospital. I mean if you telling him you are suicidal , does not phase him what would? I feel like if he felt anything for you at all, he would have taken some kind of action to make sure you got the care you needed. But he did nothing to help you? Excuse me if I am being overly dramatic .

I think the question is this , would he ever you happy? No, I don't think so. I feel like you need someone to be there for her, and to hold her hand when she is upset. I feel like this marriage has hit it's apex and it is not going to change. He seems like he is totally happy he has the baby. Does he treat your other daughters the same way? How does he treat them?

I hate to hear you are going through all of this.

 

[AlexiMarie7]

Sometimes our loved ones cannot give us what we need or expect from them, it doesn't automatically mean that they do not love or care about us. Though it does make our battle that much lonelier. Depression is pretty tough to comprehend without having experienced the depths of it.

Have you been to counselling for your depression? Perhaps he can come with you so he can get a bit of understanding and learn how to help you. Are you on any medication?

Also, no matter how much people care about us, sometimes compassion fatigue does set in, even from time to time. It doesn't mean necessarily that they don't still care about us as a human.

I'm glad you had pre-marital counseling and you have been able to recognise that he may not show his love as you do but that he does have feelings. Sometimes when people don't know what to do, they do nothing, sometimes out of fear rather than indifference.

I'm not sure how long you have been married and only you will really be able to assess the value of your marriage and if you want to try to work through things,. But if things have gotten worse, maybe you should look into speaking with a professional, either alone or together.

Are there any group therapies you can try? Are you close to any friends or family in real life? It's good sometimes to have different outlets to vent/unburden to or be candid with, perhaps not your husband alone always. I'm glad you found us here!

I'm really sorry for all you have been through and that you are having a hard time now but I'm happy you have your daughter and that you are committed to not putting your family through a suicide.

 

[JmpMster]

To play devils advocate some- you have spent 15 years dealing with your own issues and while you have found somethings that helped, in the end you admit you have no real way to fix it or to make yourself feel better. While you admit he may not understand what it is like, you expecting him to be able to make you feel better might be a tall order. Sleeping is a very natural response of another depressed person. It is ( I can say for absolute certain) completely exhausting trying to deal with the emotional needs of somebody that is depressed when no matter what you say or do or how much attention you give in the end they would admit they still would , if had their preference, be dead. There is no possible way for them to fix it, and while you might not have this exact post here, you could well have another of the hundreds of posts where "my spouse tries to be supportive but it does nto change the fact i just hurt and feel sad all the time and wish i was dead"- which i am sure has been a feeling you have had before your husband was in the picture and even when he was being supportive too. It is possible he is just a dick and you may be better off without him, but before deciding that I would try to get some professional help and discuss that with them to see if talking it out made it clear that was a reality or if it is depression trying to tell you to isolate and that people will be better off so push them away , etc etc.

You need to fix yourself. It is very hard to do on your own, professional counseling, perhaps marriage counseling as well, and meds may all be of some help- but in the end- only you can control your thoughts, feelings and actions. Until; you are able to not hate yourself and your own life so much you want to die, expecting others to fill the need is going to come up short more often than not. Get yourself some help because you deserve it and when you have gotten your head clear decide if he deserves you or not- but decide because you want your life to be as good as possible, not just because you are not happy now so you think somebody else is causing it. If they are the cause- if leaving him would end the depression or significantly improve it- by all means,. But not just because he does not know how to help you when neither you nor anybody else has been able to fix you for years either. Then you are just more alone.

 

[SOS717]

I completely agree that I need to get professional help. And after reading the last two responses I realize my husband can't fix me and it's unfair to have such expectations. I love him and am seeing now that he must not just have compassion fatigue, he must be exhausted! Thank you for reading/listening. I needed the advice and agree I have to get help again.