I'm posting here because I have nowhere else to turn. I shall try to be brief. I must warn you it contains sensitive/shocking material towards the end. Met DH in 2006, I was 19 and him 20. It all was very quick, within 6 months we'd moved in together (to a new city as well) and engaged not long after. We were both very immature in some ways, extremely jealous and insecure. For a couple of years DH was violent towards me, and we broke up a lot (never for more than a few days to a week). In some ways this was my fault, as I would obsess over him cheating (he hadn't, I was just worried he would) and his exes etc. It's silly really as his exes were very short term relationships. But I would go on at him for ages. I put him through hell and him me. 2008 got married, violence stopped after the wedding, though there were a couple of occasions he punched a hole in the wall. 2009 First child born. He was a brilliant dad to her, doted on her, very loving. I had PND manifesting as anxiety and put him through hell for a year with my obsessive thoughts etc. Thankfully I came through it. 2010-2014 Just a normal marriage, ups and downs, nothing major, no violence, happy years. 2014 I wanted to have another baby, DH didn't as he'd only ever wanted one. I'd almost died having the first child, and he felt I wasn't the same with him anymore, didn't love him etc. We eventually agreed we'd have one more, which basically he agreed to do to make me happy. 2015 Second child born, DH madly in love with her. Few months later, a new bloke starts at DH''s work. Small company so just the 2 of them plus elderly boss. All of a sudden it's a bromance, DH starts going out drinking, rolling in at 3am drunk. This is a bloke who rarely drank and never went out, so it was a huge shock and put a strain on our marriage as I felt he was putting his friend (who was young and single) before me and the kids. Nov 2015, DH discovers the debt I'd been hiding. He smashes up the house, the neighbours hear and call the police. Social services visit (kids were in bed at the time) and we cover it up pretending nothing happened. Social go away. DH agrees to forgive me, things are ok. 2016 the rest of the debt comes out, not much more but more than I'd said. This was around the time I tell DH I want a divorce as I'm fed up of his single-lad lifestyle and the fact he does nothing with the kids. DH fixates on the fact I don't like him going out and chooses to ignore the fact he does nothing - and I mean nothing - with the kids. We split up for a while but stay in the same house. I can't remember exactly but there were on/off months we were together and months we were split. During the split times, I carried on life as normal, and I realise now I excluded him from family life as I'd take the kids out without him etc. I realise now that was depressing. We had some date nights but they were ruined as DH's drinking was a problem for me, just one drink made him nasty and provocative. He'd begun drinking more at home and I felt it was a problem. 2016 ended on a good note, we were together, nice Xmas. Jan 2017 was full of arguments, I told him I wanted to leave. I then discovered by accident that he had purchased an item to commit suicide with. I confronted him, said all the usual "didn't you think about the kids" stuff, he said he thought they'd get over it, be better off without him. He thought I wouldn't care, I'd move on etc. I asked him why he felt suicidal and he said it was because I was mental in his words, "making up stuff to have a go at him about". I suggested doctors, medicines, counselling and he snorted that if I wasn't mental he'd be fine. He cancelled the order. I had noticed for a day or so he shut down, refused to even look at the kids. He later said it was to distance himself from them and it worked, and it was to make suicide easier. A couple of weeks later, I found him trying to purchase the items again, this time in person and in cash rather than a website. I confronted him and he just flipped at me for "monitoring" his emails (can you blame me?!) . I emailed the company telling them not to serve him and why. He said he was suicidal as I was leaving him and mental. Feb 2017 we had a huge row, can't remember why, probably him drinking. He reported me to Action Fraud for the debt, saying I was abusive, and as he was aggressive I called the police, who removed him. (No arrest). I then packed my stuff and went to a refuge for a couple of weeks. During those 2 weeks, he ignored me at first then asked to see the kids. I told him it''d have to be supervised by family or contact centre but he refused. In the end I agreed to bring them to a local pub as he'd not seen them for a week by this point. He then went from "I'm not bothered if you come too" (as I wouldn't leave them) to begging for me back, saying he'd do anything etc. This took me by surprise as he'd never acted that way. When I took the kids to see him he was visibly upset, teary, begging for me back. I came back a few days later and he was the happiest I'd ever seen him. He told me he'd missed me, was heartbroken etc. I asked why he'd ignored me when I'd asked if he was going to do anything silly (suicide) and he said he hadn't decided at that point. He went as far as to say people could lose a child and carry on, so he carried on. March 2017 was stressful - we were moving house to our dream area, and to escape the neighbour. DH hated her for calling the police that time and blamed her, so life was awkward trying to avoid her. End of April 2017 we had an argument over him coming home late from the pub, him denying he'd had a drink. I overheard him on the phone begging someone to come as he was concerned for the kids. Our eldest heard, so I assured her the police (I assumed that's who he was talking to) would be coming but that it was ok as they'd sort anything out. DH storms in, starts videoing me, saying LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO THE KIDS as they were crying, saying I'd called the police on him etc. I hadn't called the police and hadn't said I had. As per his own video I'd merely said they were coming. Turns out I'd heard him "fake calling" the police to get me to leave him alone (this is what he said) but he later called them for real as they woke me up at 11pm to do a safe check and make sure all was ok. They said he'd called them at 10pm saying I'd called them and putting the record straight, although I hadn't called. Anyhow, I told him not to come home but he did the next day. It was our 2 year old's birthday tea party and he overheard me on the phone to my best friend asking if her and her partner were coming. He then came downstairs and announced to everyone "I have to go as she's arranged for me to be beaten up in front of the kids". WTF. I should mention that my best friend's partner is a thug tbh but he has never met DH, has no idea what he looks like and never threatened him. Nor would I ever arrange that obviously. Emails went back and forth for a few days, the typical arguments and accusations. He rented a room a few days later as he'd spent too much on hotels. He came to see the kids after a week and then we talked and he moved back in. He maintained I'd said I'd called the police, he maintained that my friend's partner was going to beat him. I genuinely do not think I ever even suggested this, but he seemed so concerned I started to question if I'd ever angrily threatened it (don't think I did). Our anniversary was end of May and lovely, a nice date night for the first time. June was full of arguments but also good days. Beginning of July we went on holiday abroad - this was incredibly stressful as one child is 2 and the other 7, both are difficult as one's a toddler and the other is a nightmare. I did EVERYTHING on holiday, DH drank most days (to the point of vomiting one day, though he swears it was food poisoning from the cocktail, in reality he'd refused to eat all day and then drank all day). We had no time together in the evenings due to eldest child's behaviour. **Eldest child for about a year has been very difficult, full of attitude, refuses to listen, does stupid things. Night time is hell, she refuses to let me leave the room at all, if I try she screams which wakes her sister, or she screams things that are concerning like HELP THEY'RE KILLING ME because she knows I worry the neighbours will call the social. It was incredibly stressful for me and DH as I'd moan at him about it, we had no time together, and we would argue as he'd tell me to let her scream but I was too scared of her waking the toddler and/or the social being called. DH couldn't go to her as she'd scream he was hurting her so he felt he couldn't go to her, so it was just me, and could mean I had as little as 2-4 hours sleep a night every night. She did this even on holiday! No rhyme or reason for it. Anyway... that's the history, thanks if you made it this far. So here we are on 13 July, home from holiday and child is kicking off. After a few hours of me trying and her screaming, DH goes up and smacks her, HARD. It leaves a visible handprint (which fades to be fair). I yell, GET OFF HER, and he goes mad - calls me a vindictive b*tch, tells me I yelled it on purpose so he'd get arrested, threatens to call the police etc. He sleeps downstairs. 14 July I stay in a hotel with the kids, tell him to leave, write a long email about how he was selfish on holiday leaving me to do it all while he just drank, that it was cruel/illegal to smack DD like that and I couldn't forgive him, listed some of his old violence to me and told him he needed to accept what he'd done etc. 15-16 July he stays in bed the whole time. I panic thinking he's distancing himself again. I go in and ask him to leave, as I'd repeatedly already told him to go. He ignores me and sets his phone up to record himself (and the room). I ask him to move so the toddler can get in bed with me as she's ill, something he would always have done. He ignores me. He doesn't leave the room. Whenever I go in for laundry etc he is either asleep, staring at the ceiling or on his phone. Literally did not see or speak to the kids all weekend. 17 July I text him when he was at work saying his bag was outside and he needed to get it. Emails had been going back and forth still. He collected it at 8pm whilst I was upstairs so I didn't see him. He stayed the night in a hotel. 18 July he went to work as normal, urged his colleague for them to finish early, and when they finished he purchased the items on Ebay, drove for 1.5 hours to collect them. 19 July in the early hours he was found dead in his van, 40 ish minutes from the place he purchased the materials and about 45 minutes from home. A public location. I don't know if I am allowed to say how he did it, but suffice to say he had done his research back in January and it was a method that if done correctly is 100% fatal. It is quick and it is painless. You go to sleep and don't wake up. He'd locked his van doors, it was a time he wouldn't be found until too late. The worst bit? He left 3 notes. 2 of those notes are basically notes on alleged domestic abuse that I had done. There are phone numbers for male domestic violence helplines and refuges, a website on child law, and then just lists of stuff I've done. Some is true like "not allowed to cook/clean" (I'm OCD but this never bothered him). Some is a blatant lie (threats to kill him) Some is twisted versions of the truth (I pushed him down the stairs but in reality this didn't happen, this refers to when he smashed the stairs/house) and some is calculated to look bad (not allowed to watch tv if women in underwear, this isn't true, I had a problem with naked women/porn but not underwear). It was like he'd copied down headings from a website (sexual/emotional/physical etc) and tried to make it all fit. Then there was a real note. It starts with my name and simply says he can no longer go on living in fear of false prosecution and threats of being beaten up by my friends/family. That he has nothing left and I win. I've taken the girls from him but I'm the abuser. It then goes on to tell "whoever" that his escape fund is in his wallet and he won't be needing it now, that all of his money is to go to the kids only, and that they should check his phone for emails/messages as they will tell them all they need to know. It then says "please save my girls from that monster!" and finally, to his girls that he is sorry he couldn't protect them from me, and that he loves them both now and forever. Wow, right. I will admit that I would often threaten to tell the police about his violence and have him arrested, so it is possible he feared it. He probably thought I'd make more stuff up too. I did also threaten him with contact centres BUT never did it, whenever we split he always saw the kids either at home or pub etc. I did also tell him I had evidence of his violence like photos/videos. I didn't. I did have photos of bruises (I keep bruising and suspect it's a medical thing , so I wanted to show GP) - he assumed they were fake evidence on him despite me denying it. I did tell him I had videos, witnesses etc tho. I remember in January telling him I'd never stop him seeing them and would do anything to prove it but he wouldn't believe me. He genuinely thought he'd have to see them in a contact centre or not at all ever. I can't recall if that was one of his reasons for feeling suicidal but I do recall me stressing he'd always see them and him not believing me. I recall him saying once he thought I was poisoning his food because I hate him. I thought he was joking until he told me that's why he always fed our toddler a bit of his dinner - so that I wouldn't dare poison it! It's easy to brush off as saying he was mentally ill, but he was an intelligent man. He thoroughly researched the method and made sure it worked, it could never be a cry for help as it is such a quick way to go. He'd even written "do not resuscitate" which I believe was incase he was brought back brain damaged. He'd chosen that method as he said he'd considered others but they were either too painful or not guaranteed and he didn't want to be paralysed or a vegetable. I truly believe it is my fault - my repeated threats of reporting him to the police, coupled with him smacking DD (who is old enough to back me up if ever I reported it) was enough for him to take his life. How do I deal with that guilt? Logically I cannot understand why his escape fund (it was £1200 cash I didn't know about that he'd hidden) wasn't spent on a lawyer, either to fight for access or to see what'd happen if I accused him of violence. Likewise, it's enough to rent his own place, so if he was planning to leave then why didn't he? Unless he'd researched it and discovered that smacking DD would mean he would only get supervised access, which he couldn't live with? Why blame me? Or anyone? Why not just put he loves the kids? His last email to me was at 1.30am on the day he died (I don't know what time he died but it was before 6am) and that is just full of accusations, how he's spent 11 years living under my control/abuse, that he's failed to protect the kids and is paying for that, that he can't let me do it to the kids anymore, that I can't lie my way out of it this time, that he will finally be free so doesn't care what lies I spread or evidence I fabricate. It ends with him saying he did everything for me, everything I ever asked, built his whole life for our family but it wasn't enough and that nothing ever is. (Does that mean he loves me?) Since his death I spoke to this friend he was drinking with, his only friend. He says they only went out 4 times. DH went more than that!!! Meaning he was going alone, as he had noone else. The friend says on a couple of occasions he would text him saying he was out and ask him to join him. They had lunch together every day, drinks after work every Monday. Yet DH told me he hardly ever saw him, never went for drinks etc. I understand it was to keep the peace as I irrationally blamed the friend for DH's new love of going out getting wasted. But it's a whole side I never knew. I wonder how planned it was - why go on holiday, buy new clothes and be "normal" if this is planned? I feel like the decision was made the day I threw him out but he didn't have time to buy the stuff til the day after. What triggered it? Smacking DD? There as a police subject access form in his van, signed but undated so not sent, the form you send when you want to know everything the police hold on you. There was a notebook with the dates from April when I'd chucked him out and how much he'd spent on hotels. I haven't got his phone back yet, that should be soon, though he will have either wiped it or left nothing for me to find (incase I found it weeks before he died). He sold his tools - his pride and joy - and said it was to buy new ones... but was it? In my heart he didn't want or mean to die, which is stupid cos I know he must have, as he chose something that just does not fail. But this argument was no different to any other, except him smacking DD and perhaps me listing some of his previous violence. I have smacked DD on occasion but nothing like how hard he did - but I guess he was worried she'd say something. I was fully expecting him to come home - there was nothing to indicate he'd die, even his last email "there's only one way out" etc - all stuff he'd said before, even in April he told me to burn his stuff as he "wouldn't be needing it" Did he stop to think about the effect on our kids?! The 2 year old will never remember him. The 7 year old is heartbroken though resilient and seems ok mostly. I'm having counselling. The eldest will be too I know he thought I didn't love him, he thought nobody cared, and I know this past 6 months I've been stressed, angry, moody - but I loved him and part of him knew that as when he crashed his van he didn't tell me straight away as he knew I'd worry! I have so many questions - did he love me? He was wearing his ring when he died so maybe he did... did he want to die or just want to escape? Did he think about what would happen after he died? Did he think we'd get over it and not care? How could he leave his kids??!!! No matter how low I felt, they would be the one thing that stopped me. Today I discovered some wage slips he had very cleverly hidden in his van. One is from this April when I kicked him out (I knew he'd used it to rent a place, he told me) and 3 were from Aug, Sep and Oct 2016. I can only assume he'd taken them out of the filing system at home to use for some purpose like maybe renting his own place. I can't think why, as in Oct 2016 we were ok. Perhaps what stopped him is I was awaiting results from a breast lump. Perhaps he just changed his mind. But if I'm that bad, why not leave? In his mind why was it all or nothing - if he left he'd not see his kids, but he couldn't stay. But in reality he would and did see them. If he loved me, why consider leaving? Why go from leaving to suicide? Sorry this is so long.