My internal struggle with my diagnosis.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Beka, Dec 12, 2013.

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  1. Beka

    Beka Well-Known Member

    So, BPD.

    I've thought that there was something different from me and other depressed people. Because well, I could be happy, I wasn't constantly sad, I had weeks where I would be but then everything would be fine and it wasn't that I was hiding my sadness, I didn't have any sadness. I didn't have anything. I didn't have emotions, there were times where I thought I was completely incapable of feelings emotions. Then the cycle would start all over again, sometimes instead of being depressed, I would be manic.

    So when I was told that I have BPD, I was somewhat relieved, relieved that I wasn't imagining things. But now, it's hit me and I can't take it. Now I have looked back and I realise that it's right to say that I have no control over my emotions. I thought I kept them in check but hell to the no. I so don't.
    I'm so aware of my emotions now, and that when I thought I was relatively calm for a 20 yr old female and that my emotional reactions were completely justified...they so weren't I am such a bitch and I can't even help it. It makes me feel sick the way I've treated people in the past.

    I'm actually scared of myself. Because I am completely aware of what could happen if my buttons are pushed one time too many. So many times I've had to restrain myself...all the self-destructive behavior.

    I wish I wasn't only seeing my psychiatrist once a month..I have no idea what the next month will do to me..
     
  2. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    Hey im b/p too. I was first diagnosed at 17. The numbness is the worst I think it makes you feel terrible that you don't care for anything. I also fear for my safety and others, when im cycling im extremely volatile. I think that saying it gets easier is wrong it's more like you learn a little more control but only if you take the correct meds and learn your triggers and signs. How long have you been diagnosed? I totally understand how you feel.
     
  3. Beka

    Beka Well-Known Member

    I've been 'depressed' for about 5 years, but I've only seen a psychiatrist 2 weeks ago and that's when he said I'm BP. It's a lot to take in. I feel like I'm a water dam, with one too many cracks in it..just waiting for someone or something to come along and push my buttons the wrong way and then I'll snap. So instead of letting myself get angry at others I take it out on myself. Which isn't much better really. I think I preferred it when I didn't know. I was blissfully unaware and now I'm terrified of myself.
     
  4. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    I felt exactly the same when I got told. Its like you're constantly asking yourself how you feel. Although depression is tough, there's always that glimmer of hope that one day you will be ok. Where as bpd is a life sentence, you will always have it. On the upside though you get a lot of good times. At times (when medicated) it almost feels euphoric like your emotional awareness is on top form. Good times feel happier, pleasure feels more pleasurable, and the slightest thing that wouldn't mean anything to anyone else can make you feel so good it unreal. Some people believe bpd is evolution others believe its deeply spiritual and brings you closer to enlightenment (spiritual awakening) I believe all that is bullshit. Its no doubt an affliction but its not all bad. Ive been diagnosed 10yrs and since my diagnosis I have progressed in life a lot. I have a good job, a nice car, and my own home. The correct meds and support help a lot at least now you know your prob it can be treated. Dont be afraid to tell people how you are feeling and dont hide from it. Bipolar is a part of you so embrace it. You are still a person the only difference between you and 'normal people' is you feel more most of the time, that can't be bad right? I know its hard for you now but fight through it and you will get there. To quote tupac... girl keep yo head up :)
     
  5. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    Oh and don't hold back.. release it find a way to let it out safely. Gym, write it down and throw it away. Whatever helps
     
  6. Beka

    Beka Well-Known Member

    Thank you lovely. That really helped. :)
     
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