So, BPD. I've thought that there was something different from me and other depressed people. Because well, I could be happy, I wasn't constantly sad, I had weeks where I would be but then everything would be fine and it wasn't that I was hiding my sadness, I didn't have any sadness. I didn't have anything. I didn't have emotions, there were times where I thought I was completely incapable of feelings emotions. Then the cycle would start all over again, sometimes instead of being depressed, I would be manic. So when I was told that I have BPD, I was somewhat relieved, relieved that I wasn't imagining things. But now, it's hit me and I can't take it. Now I have looked back and I realise that it's right to say that I have no control over my emotions. I thought I kept them in check but hell to the no. I so don't. I'm so aware of my emotions now, and that when I thought I was relatively calm for a 20 yr old female and that my emotional reactions were completely justified...they so weren't I am such a bitch and I can't even help it. It makes me feel sick the way I've treated people in the past. I'm actually scared of myself. Because I am completely aware of what could happen if my buttons are pushed one time too many. So many times I've had to restrain myself...all the self-destructive behavior. I wish I wasn't only seeing my psychiatrist once a month..I have no idea what the next month will do to me..