This isn't a bitch thread, it's a thread that perhaps I should have made years ago. Though I believe years ago I had a much stronger hope at "reaffirming" my positions, but I always doubted myself. Doubt in a realistic fashion of my naive perceptions and conclusions. I didn't have enough so I never sat comfortable with the vast majority of my thoughts, I simply allowed them to float unchained around me. But never pulling them inside of me so I Could voice them as if they are the truth. I have a big problem with that, because truth is relative, and it takes an ability of self control to assert the right perceptions and stances into a situation. Now many years later all the things I could withstand, all the immature things I could neutralize are running rampant at times. I'm struggeling to keep one position of how I feel and think Here. I feel... like this. I'l think the skies blue. The knowing it is a bit difficult because of everything that comes into play for me to connect to it.(constitution of the sky, relative perceptions and positions in existence.. whatever goes into it).. but someone might say the skies green. And I feel lured. Like a weakness. Ok it's not this bad. But ok... No. I see a situation.. and I believe this is this primary focus points of this situation, then someone else comes into that situation and describes primaries and my attention inside shifts to theirs. My focus, my pillars everything that constructs the forumluation of what I'm seeing and aiming for, I lose my strength of focus, of determination, of commmitment. I feel really weak. And it's taking me for rides. Things become "Justified". I do not want to live in a world like this because I know I can live a true nightmare. And I believe I can live or atleast start living in a better world if I can simply.. commit. But I worry, because I see so many people and things committed to things that when threatened they respond violently. I have no problem with defending yourself, but I will not allow my aggressive abilities to manifest in a justified manner when I feel threatened like that. I feel like every part of me is as equal as the next, which is lovely.. but this bastard world doesn't move like that. So I need to strengthen certain things. Maybe a better example is if you can imagine you are in a certain mood. Then all of a sudden a car crash happens, or someone comes up and gives you a hug... you shift focus entirely. My internal strength of focus is mucky. .. I'm not too sure what to do. Maybe I just need to be aware of it a bit more and learn to connect with multipul things, without letting them bleed into eachother.