Empathy and Advice Welcomed My mom is the source of my suicidal thoughts

[miningforhope416]

Yeah, if you remember me (haven't logged on in a LONG ass time), you might already know that my mom causes most of my suicidal thoughts. At this rate, I don't even know if it's suicide I have to worry about or if a stress-induced heart attack will get me first. I also don't know who's right: her or me. I don't know if I should blame her, blame myself, or whatever. She just takes away every bit of self-esteem I've got in ways I don't even fucking know how to explain in words, maybe a professional could get in my head idk.

I got this book out of my school library (if I haven't updated you guys on that yet, I am now out of high school in a community college, so I didn't get away from my mom , if I did I'd probably never have to log onto this site ever again) about human resources to try and figure out networking (surprise, surprise, my lack of self-esteem made that shit impossible) and one page said that parents who give their children more freedom to make their own decisions raise children with higher self-esteem, and then I look back and see how my mom STILL controls what I wear, when I get up, when I sleep (I never go to bed when she tries to make me, maybe that's my microescape if that's even a word), when I eat, when I leave the house (one time my class was canceled and I still went to school anyway just to get away for a while), etc. and I went "Man, this makes absolute, total fucking sense."

I know I tagged this as Empathy and Advice Welcomed but it's also kind of a vent if you think about it. Still welcoming empathy and practical advice.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

There seems to be a general trend toward parents becoming more controlling. It's also probably true that self esteem and personal development are undermined by controlling parents.

If she's willing to go to family therapy, in principle it might be possible to change her behavior. Hypothetically, you could ask her to change, though I doubt she'd listen.

In principle you could move away, but you'd have to have a steady job that would allow you to pay for the cost of living. If you can find a good employment path and build up some money, that would help make the process easier.

You might be able to take credits from your community college and transfer them to a school with dormitories. I think most of the schools with dorms in the US are expensive, but there are some low-cost international schools (I'm thinking of places like Turkey and Germany).

There are some jobs that include housing, or semi-volunteer work that includes housing. I think there is (or was) a program called "Willing Workers on Organic Farms". I think there are also live-in care giving jobs for the disabled and elderly.

During the Summer, you might be able to go camping frequently, which is one way to get away.

If you can't get her to voluntarily change, and you can't move out, you may be able to resist her more effectively. Simply disobeying, or pushing back verbally might produce good results, though what results you'll get and whether they will be worth it may be hard to predict.

Do you have any other relatives that are more reasonable that you might be able to live with instead?

I hope things can get better somehow.