my nightmare.....

[cownes]

So on 11/11/13 I lost my idol, my best friend, my role model. My nan died. I was very close to her and used to care for her until the end when she needed specialist nursing care that I could not provide. I promised my nan i would be there with her until the very end and i would do anything for her. I had gone to collect some medication to make her more comfortable, after a heated argument with the pharmacist my mom rang me when i was in the lift going back to my nans room to say she had passed away. I had been with her for over 8 hours that day and missed it by a couple of seconds and im so so angry at that bloody pharmacist making a fuss over nothing!! That left me feeling numb, but on top of that my other nan was also terminally ill and we were all expecting the worse...

26/12/13 my other nan passed away. Boxing day was a great blow. Only 6 weeks after my other nan and i had to go to work that day as i couldn't cancel my shift due to it being boxing day. I literally dont know how i feel at the moment. I suppose im angry at how cruel the world can be at times. I had both nans for 20 years for them to be both stripped away from me in 6 weeks seems so cruel. But then i am grateful for the fact i had the opportunity to have such amazing women in my life as i know there are so many people out there who dont get that chance.

In those six weeks i had 2 nans die, 2 emergency hospital admissions for physical health problems and a funeral. It all seems to have come at once and the one hospital admission was the day after my nan died. Which meant the guards went up and i wouldn't express emotion as i was scared to do so in hospital as not knowing what type of response it would bring on. Now i feel like im left in a terrible situation. I want to cry but i cant. I just can not feel anything accept for empty all the time. Im trying to remember the good times but its so hard when they both died from the same cruel disease, it was like history repeating itself over and over in such a short space of time and i really cant push those images out of my head at the moment. its also not helped that noone around me is expressing any emotion and is getting on with life as if nothing has happened and i just dont feel able to do so making me feel like the "weak" one etc.

I dont know what im hoping to get from this post apart from the fact i just needed to let it all out and get even a little bit out of my head as i just feel im drowning in my own thoughts at the moment. Ughhh i dont know. It just hurts so bad

 

[Shadowlands]

Sorry to hear that :hug:

 

[scaryforest]

that's heavy, writing about it helps. do you keep a diary?

 

[cownes]

that's heavy, writing about it helps. do you keep a diary?

I used to but I havent done in quite a while. Maybe i should start again especially at the moment

 

[motobreath137]

Writing even when you don't feel like can help a great deal. When my uncle killed himself ( I lived with him) it occurred on the one day when I was not at home. I knew he was depressed and I tried everything I could to help him. However, I stayed at my parents place for a night because I needed a break from him and that is when he died.

Of all the things I am struggling with, I know for sure that he died knowing how much I cared, and I know the same is true for your nan. No matter how much love we show and relate, when death occurs, we always regret the things we didn't say or do. I take comfort knowing that my uncle knew I was imperfect, and that I was doing all I could to show him my love. I think this holds true in most cases.