my past

[sydvicious]

i don't necessarily blame my fathers death for being the root of my problems, but i do believe that that's where it started.
when i was 6 years old, he committed suicide on my parents' anniversary. i didn't really know him. i can't even picture his face when i try to think about him.
mental illness has run through my dads side for many generations. unfortunately, i've got it as well (clinical depression). and it isn't fair.
i feel so empty without him. it's like, why would he do that when he could've watched me grow? i know it isn't my fault that he did that, but i always think it. i wish that i could know him at least. i don't remember him at all.
i get stupid thoughts a lot. i'm going to therapy and i'm on meds. but still i get these thoughts. and i blame him.
if he would've gotten in a car accident or something else, then i would feel differently, i know i would. because it was his CHOICE to do what he did. he CHOSE to leave.
and i have so many answers that are unanswered and will always be unanswered.
it's not fair.

 

[total eclipse]

Hi sydvicious i hear your pain your sadness and your anger all emotions that are okay hun to feel. Do you think writing a letter to your father of all the things you would have wanted to say to him would help:
I often do that with my brother who committed suicide
It helps in that we get the questions out we want to ask and although the answers are not there at least we got to ask them
May sound like something you might try and if you are seeing a councellor perhaps that person can help find some answers for you
You father hun his pain took him away being in that position myself i can tell you there is no logic left only pain
He was not thinking his mind was to clouded his pain sadness took him away he did not want to leave you he just did not have the strength left to fight through the sadness
He may have even thought he was helping everyone by leaving
I hope you continue to post your thoughts here hun so others can understand can see how suicide effects everyone in the family even years after

 

[sydvicious]

it's been 12 years since he passed.
and i've been depressed for 7 years. i've gone through therapy, i'm in therapy again now; i've tried anti depressants and i'm on them now. but i just still don't see how i'm making any progress.
i just blame him. i don't have the father figure i've always wanted. i feel lost all the time. i see no future for me. i'm not even in school right now, i'm homeschooled because everything got hard and i just quit. my mom has been unemployed for a year now and that affects me so much because she locks herself in her room when she gets unhappy/stressed. it's just not fair.
i don't want this anymore and i've been trying to change for 7 years. and yet i'm still like this.