my soulmate

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by hollowvoice, Sep 14, 2010.

  1. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    my hatred of myself goes back a very long way bullied at school ,forced to go to work instead of college etc.
    but 13 years ago there was hope when i met my soulmate char,she was everything you could want kind ,happy,funny,warm we had a great life and were a very loving touchy feely kind of couple.but 9 years ago she started to dabble in drugs and although i stuck around and tried everything to help her kick the habit and it was so bad coming home to people i didnt know or trust just sparked out in the rooms.waiting for me to pay for chars drugs.
    so finally i couldnt take it no more and left we were heartbroken so after a week i went back but at our flat i couldnt get in,so after a few hours we broke in to find her dead in a chair ,she had o'd on heroin and didnt stand a chance that she may have survived had the drugs been clean and will never know if they were the drugs i had bought the police wouldnt charge me either .thatwas 8 years ago when my world ended.her diary had blamed me for everything so ,so did everyone else i lost friends family and the point of living
    a few years later when my mum died was another step ill never know if she still blamed me?there has not been one good up in my life since that day and after 2 attempts im still here still wanting to die still hiding rope,plans,notes in places i know so that when the time is right i just go still checking how long it will take me to get to beachy head,still not wanting to face xmas alone again but now ive found these forums which are my release i havent drank in 3 months and havnt cut/burned my self in 2,but the thoughts are still there.
    im sorry for this version i made it as short as possible..........andi
     
  2. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Andi, I was very touched by your story. I only see a person who genuinely loved a friend. It's not, your fault that she took drugs, and cornered you into paying for it. This was so long ago. Regardless, if she blamed you or not, it doesn't make you guilty of her death. She did what she did, you did not inject the drug into her. Even if people blame you, it doesn't make you anymore guiltier.

    There is healing in prayers. If you have a pastor, why don't you go to him and tell him your story, so that he can pray with you, and you can accept God's grace, and you can lay this issue to rest. So that you mau choose life.

    You don't need to suffer like this, anymore.

    Lots of people have more painful story, and have gone on to achieve happiness in their lives.

    I was watching Oprah this year, and former first lady Laura Bush, was on giving her life story. Did you know that she was driving a car and she was about 17, and she collided with a friends car, and killed him instantly? It was her fault. And she had to live with that. He was young like her, too. She lived in a town where the people knew each other's family, so she could not escape people's feelings.

    Yet she became an American first lady for 8 years. You can be free of this.
    Don't torture yourself anymore.
     
  3. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i feel theres only one way to be free anymore...x
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I recently lost my best friend and I wonder whether he would want me to be as miserable as I feel...I think not! When I am feeling like the walls are closing in, I think about what he would want for me, and I can breathe again...would Char want you to be miserable? If you cannot find respite for youself, please consider what she would have wanted for you...and please continue to share with us...big hugs, J
     
  5. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    thank you sadeyes but ive been numb to everything lately,i cant think what other people think ,i cant stop taking the pills ,i cant stop the cutting(but it has been 2 days,i dont know how you continue being so welcoming and helpful to people but i do appreciate your response
     
  6. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    that is so sad Andi. I can feel your pain. people have blamed you because they can. We all suffer the feeling of guilt when a loved one dies, unfortunately some in life cannot accept that she was her own person and did what she wanted to do, they feel the need to blame others because they are not strong enough to accept that fact. Andi, if it gets too much pm me, especially at christmas. I live 12 miles from beachy head. I would rather spend my christmas day with you talking than let you plunge off a cliff. I'll be there if you need me my friend. stay strong, stay safe.
     
  7. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    thank you stig,if i ever make it to beachy head ill be sure to pop in.....lol
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I often blame myself for my bro death but i know it is the illness that took him just as it was char addiction that took her away I know that if my daughter goes that way i have tried everthing to help her but it is her in the end that will decide if she stays or goes. Your friend chose drugs and in the end it was that addiction that killed her not you or anything you did it was the drug dealers that gave it to her and got her hooked on it. I am sorry people chose to blame you but you know in your heart in was the dam drugs okay not you.
     
  9. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i know youre right violet and in many ways over the years ive learned to live with it,but this time just feels harder,harder than at my first attempt,even when char was around i wonder if i was ever really happy,when i was probably about 12/13 years old i said to myself by the time im 30 ill have killed myself,but when i was around 28 i was satisfied and changed it to 40 and now im 37 or 38 in december and ive had enough.maybe i dont want to die maybe i have to.
     
  10. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    my birthday is in december too. maybe we should meet up for a birthday beer.
     
  11. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    thanks stigfor the offer,but i quit drinking about five months ago....lol
     
  12. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    thanks for the support guys feeling a bit better today hoping the gloom has passed for a while
    :love:
     
  13. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

  14. lostwithoutyou

    lostwithoutyou New Member

    I lost my soulmate 2 weeks ago to suicide :cry2:. It hasn't made sence untill now. Life is grey and bleak, nothing matters. Everything is empty and fake. How do you deal with life when your future disppears and the only person who could comfort you is gone. Everything reminds me of him and I want to be with him so bad. I cant face sleeping in my own bed, all i do is listen to his favourite songs, look at pictures and regret not doing more. I don't have a religeon. I just want the impossible..to be with him. How does an atheist deal with death?
     
  15. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hello lost come back and talk with us here
     
  16. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    im just gonna go,thank you allxx
     
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey andi....don't you dare go....stay and talk to us ok..
    I understand you're in great pain but those SI thoughts will pass again....just hold on..
    are you getting proffessional help?
     
  18. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you can make it through the pain you can for char okay dam pain is so hard it know but you are not to blame and you need to forgive yourself okay YOU did nothing wrong it was her illness that took her simple as that her illness nothing else. Do something anything to honor your friend HONOR her okay do not let your despair take you away do not let the illness take you too.
     
  19. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i wish i could get a sign,a sound just something to say youre ok honey its december now youd be out shopping for decorations now wed be thinking about getting a real tree this year we'd be talking about getting away last minute over christmas,youd be playing your xmas cd everyday
    i miss you so much
    xx
     
  20. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey hope you are having support for you okay Please hang on your soulmate would want you to be safe please talk to us let us know how you are Don't stay alone okay we are here.