I’ve been thinking about suicide (on and off) for a couple of years now. Most times, these thoughts hit me when I wake up in the morning, before I go to sleep, and sometimes in the middle of the night (something will wake me up, and then I’ll start thinking about life and suicide). I hate to admit this, but I have a feeling that my suicidal urges originated from feelings of loneliness. I know that this isn’t a good thing to admit about myself, but I am not a very nice person. I am very cold and aloof towards others. And, for a very long time, I have convinced myself that I’m not interested in making friends. What I have wanted for years, was a lover. I’m actually obsessed with finding a so-called ‘soulmate’ or ‘twinflame’ if you will. My intentions have actually been quite laser focused. I’m not trying to imply that I am against having friends. I am open to it, but to be honest I hate small talk and attempting to be socially outgoing and friendly really drains my energy, especially when I feel the way that I do inside. Attempting to be something that I am not, and pretending to feel things that I don’t… I just don’t have the energy at the moment. I don’t know why I want someone (i.e. a lover) in my life so badly, I just do, and I have worried and obsessed over this for years. My ultimate concern is that I will never find anybody, and I know that this is an extreme thing to say, but I would rather die than go through life without finding anybody. Based on how my life is going (and how socially inept I am) I don’t really see that ever happening. It doesn’t help that I am a bigger girl (not fat, just tall and large framed). I have practically no curves and… I just can’t really see anyone being attracted to me. I am trying (very hard) to make myself more physically attractive though. Recent events have made things worse for me. I met this guy at work who is (I’m pretty certain) at least twice my age and married. He used to creep me out when I first met him because I got really bad vibes from him. I had the impression that he liked me, and… he just made me really uncomfortable. The thing that really got me about this guy was the way that he acted around me (I thought that he really liked me [it didn’t help that he hosed himself in cologne whenever he had to interact with me]). And then he started acted really cold and mean around me. That pissed me off and made me hate him for a few months. After that, I needed to talk to him about something one day (he’s one of the managers where I work, and my manager wasn’t available), and he came by me later (again hosed in cologne) and was extremely kind to me. I lashed out at him a little bit because I was stressed with my job, and for a few weeks (heck months) afterwards he was really kind to me, like he was looking after me or something. It didn’t help that the one day I saw him from the back (I know this is stupid) I kind of thought to myself ‘You’re not too bad…” and I was actually starting to feel flattered that this guy was attracted to me. I actually started to feel attraction. I fought this like crazy in the begging. At times I would say, he’s nothing, he’s worthless, he’s not worth thinking about, but he just kept coming around and being nice. In the beginning I thought that I might of reminded him of someone else (his wife) and that is why he treated me the way that he did. It got to the point where I hoped that one day I would find someone just like him someday, just not married, and a lot younger. For a while, I was a little worried that he was treating other young women the same way that he was treating me (all things considered) but I didn’t find any real evidence of it, but then one day, he just started acting differently (treating me like I was a nuisance). I also noticed how he was treating another young girl in my department, and the fact that he was consistently going to (and helping out) another department where there were other young girls. I suspected that he liked someone from that department, and future events cemented my confirmations. I was devastated. I just wanted him to go back to the way that he was around me. I compared myself to the other girls, and they had much nicer bodies… and, it just messed me up big time. I got desperate, and did things that I regret (apologizing to him) that I shouldn’t have. I still work with the bastard. My feelings for him fluctuate between compassion and hatred, and when I feel hatred, I feel a white hot hatred towards him. He’s an asshole plain and simple. Unfortunately, I believe that he’s the only man who I’ve only ever truly loved (when I did have feelings towards him). Please don’t talk to me about changing jobs at the moment; it’s out of the question. Also, the only person I can really talk to about anything isn’t very well, so I worry about talking to her about anything. I just want things to get better, but I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.