I'm not sure where I am in life. I grew up happy with a great family and all the love a child could ask for, but that all changed. Throughout school I was always one of th "popular athletes" but in 6th grade I lost my best friend to another kd in school. That was my first big thing that hurt me. I still talk to both of them today but I'm always that 3rd wheel and I feel out of place. In 7th I was targeted by a pedo online and I got dragged into a porn ring because I was 12 and didn't know better. I used all bad people online to fill in for the friends I felt I lost in middle school. In 8th grade I became depressed for the first time. I thought about taking my life and possibly some of my classmates. I told some of the kids I had classes with but they thought I was only joking. Also somewhere in the middle school years everyone picked me as the one to ask if they were gay. I never showed any gay feelings or anythig to anyone so idk why kids were sayin that. When in reality I was doing things with those people online which would be considered as gay, but I didn't know any better. Now a days I only like women so that was only a stage. When hs started my depression slowly became worse. I felt like I was growing farther away from friends outside of school. Kind of like I was school friends with them. I would hang out and talk with them in school but we would never hang out outside of school. I played basketball my whole life and me and my friends all played on the freshman team together. All my friends said I Was one of the best players on our team but I continued to ride the bench. All the way through hs I sat the bench when my teammates kept saying I was one of the best. Maybe it was because I didn't try too hard in practice because I was always busy thinking about my life. Sophmore year it got bad for me. There were days where I wouldn't talk and just sit in class. My best friend at the time (or so I thouht) noticed and asked what's wrong. I wouldn't tell him and just stayed bottled up. 11th grade was the worst year of my life. That porn ring i was in got me addicted to the stuff (another thing I hate about myself) and one day the cops showed up at my house. I got arrested and I'm on probation for 6 years. I kept it a secret and it was not in the papers or news. I wasn't allowed to go out past 10pm, I couldn't drink alcohol or smoke(never wanted to smoke anyways), and I couldn't go to parties or sleepover at friends houses or anything. I had to keep making excuses for everyone and that was eating me alive. People just stopped askin to hang out with me because they already knew my answer. So that best friend I mentioned earlier, I decided to tell him about my arrest and my other 2 closer friends. They felt bad for me and said that explains a lot. They began hangin out a little more with me. But I still had to make excuses for a LOT of other people. I started going to therapy for my offense but never wanted to bring any of this up or my secret depression. Senior year was not a senior year for me. All my friends were always hangig ot together while I was in my bedroom watching tv. I never got to go to a hs party or anythig like that. I thought about quitting basketball....but that was the only thing I spent time with my friends so I decided to keep doing it even tho I had lost intrest. My best friend started smoking weed and going to a lot of parties. I felt like I could no longer relate with him so I tried to tell him how I felt. Whenever we got close to the subject of my depression, he would always say I don't want to talk about this or change the subject. I contemplated suicide in 12th grade because of how messed up my life was and how I was missing out what is suppossed to be one of the greatest times in my life. Now I am at college living in an apartment with my old best friend that I lost in 6th grade and the best friend who doesn't like talking about(he was the one who actually took my old best friend) so now I constantly feel like a 3rd wheel 24/7. I miss hs and want to go back. Now i miss basketball and want to go back and play hard. I want to restart my life from elementary school but I know that's impossible. So every night I'm in my bedroom by myself while those two share a room and I read stories about kids who killed themselves, I listen to sad music and reminess on my good days. I feel like nothing can get better becuase by the time my probation is over I will be in my career. I will have missed my whole hs and college years (the so called funnest times of your life that everyone remembers forever) and I don't want to remember these feelings and thoughts for the rest of my life. So I found this forum and I'm looking for anyone to help, I have thouht of suicide many times in the last few weeks and me not liking college doesn't help either. The only thing keeping me from doing it is me picturing my mom and dad crying and all my friends. My older bro is 3 years apart from me and as we get older we seem to be growing apart. Now all we do is fight and he always talks shit to me on how bad of a person I am. That really hurts, so now I just avoid him when were both home from college. As I'm writing this so many things are popping into my head that I forgot to add but that would have just made this longer lol. I am wishing that someone will say something that will help me or talk to me kind of like a pen pal. I just need someone to vent wih. Someone who knows what I am going through. I'm 19 years old and am thinking did I live the life I wanted to and the answer is always no. I always think of what it is like to die and if heaven/hell even exist. I wonder if the other side is better or worse, I'm stuck in a bad situation anyways? Please help me I don't want to feel like this anymore!
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