My Suicidal Mind

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IB1984

Well-Known Member
#1
Suicide was not a choice I thought I would ever contemplate
Never thought I would be stuck feeling like it was the only way to escape my self-hate
Or that death was the only way to find freedom from my self-destructive ways
And never thought self-harm would be a way I released my anguish and pain
But this sadness is devouring me-
Struggling silently
Ashamed of the words and memories that make up my history
Afraid to truly face the burdens that weigh on me
The strength of my darkness is hurting me and faking my happiness is draining my energy
Why is being happy so hard, especially when you had a life so rough?
Why won’t my fears, my worries, my dreams and nightmares release me into a state of inner peace?
Instead of leaving me with feelings of short-lived utopia after each self induced injury
And I don’t have anyone but my therapist to help save me
From the beast lurking in my darkness waiting to attack me
But it’s her job to help me and like everyone else she’ll also leave-
Having faith in Gods aren't helping set me free
None of these religions and self-help readings are helping me get to a place of understanding and self-compassion
Nor are they supplying me with helpful methods to truly help end my madness
I'm feeling desperate and alone…
Out here searching for caring hugs and kind words
Just to feel a false sense of love, just to feel something other than anger and grief
Something other than feeling the wrath of my tragedies
I want freedom from this dark entity living within me
It takes advantage of my weakness, picks apart my brain until it turns on me
Deceives me..
I become lost in the confusion of what’s a real thought and what’s not
And I’m afraid my darkness is clouding my judgement
Starting to believe happiness can only be found in my ashes and others fragmented memories of me
My darkness is isolating me from the one thing that can help me break free
It’s tainting my hopes, turning them into weapons to help trick me into believing suicide is the only way out
The only way to save me from my sorrows..
 

Hah

New Member
#2
You mention happiness could be found in fragmented ashes of others memories of you. Surely you see deep down you are a loveable and kind soul (maybe not always), but I've taken this sentence as a thought that you would be missed and are in fact loved even if only from memories of others of you. I'm a firm believer in a person's right to choose their own ending. But surely pain and anguish is not the way to go, even if in clouded judgement that is all we can see. Therapists in my experience have been a waste of time. Sometimes kind words from someone who has been through hell and back in their own right may help. I hope so. Feel free to message me if you feel up to chatting.
 

IB1984

Well-Known Member
#3
You mention happiness could be found in fragmented ashes of others memories of you. Surely you see deep down you are a loveable and kind soul (maybe not always), but I've taken this sentence as a thought that you would be missed and are in fact loved even if only from memories of others of you. I'm a firm believer in a person's right to choose their own ending. But surely pain and anguish is not the way to go, even if in clouded judgement that is all we can see. Therapists in my experience have been a waste of time. Sometimes kind words from someone who has been through hell and back in their own right may help. I hope so. Feel free to message me if you feel up to chatting.
ur right..clouded judgement can be dangerous and thank u..
Some people dont understand how u can have this n that but feel so low that suicide is seen as a way to freedom..I usually keep my poems like this hidden bcus I'm scared of what others would think about me..thank u for such nice and kind words..and truly thankful for the invite to message u..thank u
 
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