First some backround info. I cut my face with a<mod edit - method> to try and see how it felt/ see if I could do it. I had only cut once before that in my life. Afterward I texted my therapist and at the time I sent it it was like 10pm. She had her phone off and didn't get the text until 4am. She kind of freaked out and told my parents to take me to the hospital. I mean I don't blame her she didn't know that it was barely even a scratch. I didn't even bleed. It was a <mod edit - method> But anyways at about 5am they are driving me to the Montreal children's hospital and it's just silence in the car. When we get there I'm put in a room with a doctor who asked me why I did it and all these other questions. They then take me to the emergency room and keep me in one of the rooms. We stay there for a few hours until a doctor comes to ask me MORE question. These talks were horrible for me. But they decide that I am not safe for myself and say that they are keeping me there.
They put me in one of the medical floors because there was no room in the actual ward. This meant I had to have someone called a sitter who basically watches me all the time. Even when I'm sleeping. It was the worst thing about that room. I could never leave except to go with the sitter and get water. I basically sat and watched tv all day. There was doctors that came to talk to me like twice the whole time there. One of the sitters would just stare at the walls for hours. And another got mad at me for bitting my fingers because I was "harming myself" even though it is just a habit I have. She just complained to me all day about how she hates sitting and I found that pretty ironic. But when they finally had room for me on the psych ward I thought maybe everything would be better.
But, I was wrong. The room I had before had a shower and two couches and a tv. The room in the psych ward was basically and empty room with a chair and a bed. The bathroom had one of those horrible public shower kind of things. You had to keep clicking it and the water was colder than the sink. They control everything you do when your there. There was even a window in the room and everyone who went by looked it at me. Most of my time was spent doing puzzles. When your stuck in a white room with nothing to do you just do anything you can. Puzzles where the only thing they had. Sometimes there was a group activity but it was rare. Everyday there was a different doctor or nurse. I could never really bond with anyone because there was a new person every day asking you the same questions. They just meet me and ask my whole life story. It was horrible. In fact it made everything worse. It showed me how much more I don't have control over my life. Everyday I just wanted to <mod edit - method>The only way I got out of that place was by telling them what they wanted to hear. I told them I felt better and didn't want to kill myself and other lies and they believed it. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
I don't really have anything else to say. Or I'm too tired of thinking about it. I just want the pain of reliving these memories to go away.
They put me in one of the medical floors because there was no room in the actual ward. This meant I had to have someone called a sitter who basically watches me all the time. Even when I'm sleeping. It was the worst thing about that room. I could never leave except to go with the sitter and get water. I basically sat and watched tv all day. There was doctors that came to talk to me like twice the whole time there. One of the sitters would just stare at the walls for hours. And another got mad at me for bitting my fingers because I was "harming myself" even though it is just a habit I have. She just complained to me all day about how she hates sitting and I found that pretty ironic. But when they finally had room for me on the psych ward I thought maybe everything would be better.
But, I was wrong. The room I had before had a shower and two couches and a tv. The room in the psych ward was basically and empty room with a chair and a bed. The bathroom had one of those horrible public shower kind of things. You had to keep clicking it and the water was colder than the sink. They control everything you do when your there. There was even a window in the room and everyone who went by looked it at me. Most of my time was spent doing puzzles. When your stuck in a white room with nothing to do you just do anything you can. Puzzles where the only thing they had. Sometimes there was a group activity but it was rare. Everyday there was a different doctor or nurse. I could never really bond with anyone because there was a new person every day asking you the same questions. They just meet me and ask my whole life story. It was horrible. In fact it made everything worse. It showed me how much more I don't have control over my life. Everyday I just wanted to <mod edit - method>The only way I got out of that place was by telling them what they wanted to hear. I told them I felt better and didn't want to kill myself and other lies and they believed it. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
I don't really have anything else to say. Or I'm too tired of thinking about it. I just want the pain of reliving these memories to go away.
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