Need help with convincing parents and uncle for a far from home University

[Congratsbaby]

* I usually use so-called for other members and 'it' for uncle. I will not in this post for easy read and potential help*

I have applied to a faraway university. I submitted the application fee through my mom's bank account , while she was sleeping. I didn't necessarily intend to do it , like behind her back but I had the bill option, I could have cancelled it but I just paid.

She figured out though ( I didn't intend to hide anyways ) , she was a bit angry. This is being told because it might be used against me in future regarding this argument.

When I say , it is a faraway university. It really is , imagine moving across country.

I have certain arguments in my head and how I might approach the conversation with my parents. The problems arises with my uncle.

( Fyi :- all of the family members are difficult to talk to. They are verbally abusive , among other things )

My mom told my uncle ( on call , he is not home atm ) , the same day I applied to this uni. He felt frustrated , I could tell.

I wanted to know some practical arguments I could present to them or ways through which they will be okay for me to go there.

I do not know when will my uncle return home. But he certainly will , I usually get to know a day before or on the same day.

If it would only be my parents , it wouldn't be this hard. But when they will get support on their reluctance ( probably from whole of the house but especially the uncle ) they will be more strongly adverse to me going.

Their arguments are :- a) it will be expensive ( it will not be crazily expensive. If needed , a small loan could be taken , that I will assure them ; I will repay myself. )

b) For just a bachelor's degree that might not be so useful , it is not worth to go so far and spend so much money. ( Their ideologies ) they want me to get the degree from a nearby uni. If I was pursuing PhD or something ( in their own words ) it would make sense for me to go.

c) ofcourse the distance , me being a girl , not being so safe , how will I look after myself , " children especially girls should stay under parents' vision "

These are some of their arguments , along with what I did above ( secretly submitted the application fee )

My uncle will ask in verbally abusive tone , 1) why did I chose the university without asking anyone's permission 2) I shouldn't think I know everything 3) it is stupidity to go there

He might say other things too. Including interrogating about how I applied to the university.

I cannot simply exclude himself , especially if he is using that tone. That further puts me into danger of that argument escalating , verbal abuse and eventually the disagreement of them.

He supports me a bit financially ( the uncle ) so I guess I can't just , say " don't do this in my life. I am just going to talk to my parents "

I think because they all are abusive , especially my uncle , he is reluctant to let me be away from his influence and be free.

*I do not have any supporting adult in my life. No school counselor , teacher , relative etc.*

I will be grateful if you have something I could use , to offer.

This means a lot to me , because I do not plan to study after this degree. Eventually , even for jobs ( if I stay nearby ) I will have to settle nearby or even if I wouldn't. I just believe I have this chance , I worked for it and I don't want to let it go.

 

[Congratsbaby]

One more argument , they might present ( especially uncle ) is 1) what are you going to do after the degree? ( I will list potential job options. ) He will ask , which one in particular I want to do? I will say , I haven't decided yet and they will conclude it doesn't work like that and hence it is not worth that I go to that uni or perhaps even choose this course.

 

[Congratsbaby]

Another argument they might present is :- No one goes that far for just graduation.

I don't want to get into a near by university or in the city , they want me to go to ( the farthest , as in they don't want me to go farther than that city ) is where uncle lives , often. He will closely monitor everything , I won't be able to do anything without it being known to the family. They know all the routes of that city , etc.

Also , should I have a conversation with my parents now or when I get into it ? I was wondering if uncle comes before that , then the conversation will arise by itself. I would like suggestion regarding this as well.

 

[GFS]

Find out what are the advantages of studying in that particular university. That would be a good argument. Fee is a bit higher but for this particular reason this university is a better choice.
Is it an option saying that you want to study to become a doctor for example and then changing your mind in the future? If that is an option you look up which particular program that university is most famous and you can say you've decided to have certain degree and the best option is for that degree is that particular university.

 

[GFS]

Talking to your parents now or when "it" D) comes back home, now that's tricky.
Can you convince them to let you go that far by stressing that you want to study there? I mean, can you turn them on your side? And if you do, would they get your back when "it" comes home or would they just listen to him? Or would they just shut up and let "it" and yourself sort it out?
If they can help you convincing "it", you should talk to them first.

Also, saying that you "it is your dream to study in that university" and sticking to it, could that work?

One very important question though. I can't say I know much about your country let alone about the region where that university is located but I've read horrible articles about women there. So as I said the most important thing: Would you be SAFE if you get your wish and go that far from your family in some place you don't know and where you know no one?

 

[Congratsbaby]

Find out what are the advantages of studying in that particular university. That would be a good argument. Fee is a bit higher but for this particular reason this university is a better choice.
Is it an option saying that you want to study to become a doctor for example and then changing your mind in the future? If that is an option you look up which particular program that university is most famous and you can say you've decided to have certain degree and the best option is for that degree is that particular university.

Thankyou for replying. I don't have advantages academically perhaps , as much. But some of them I can think of :-

1) The city is safe
2) The weather is pleasant for me ( because in winters , I get chill blains which often turn severe )
3) The graduates were able to go to abroad after passing out from there
4) Religious inclusion ( though I am not religious but YK for manipulating / convincing them )

The thing is , that last option university is one of the best of india , so I can't have solid academic determiners for this one in comparison to that. But these are some what crossed my mind. Do you think this is enough or I should research more?

Also , did you mean * if I understood correctly * that I lie to them , saying I have chosen another course and that University is the best for it and then switch my course once I get the admission?

If you do indeed meant this , this will not work. Two reasons. a) They wouldn't like that I have changed my mind and the whole procedure of cancelling the payment , withdrawal fee , etc. b) They will yet again say , that if I need to pursue a degree which is not important ( for them , important is only engineering or medicine ) I need not to go that far.

 

[GFS]

I really, really hope you're right when you say that city is safe. Because I can't emphasize enough how important that part is. It is very easy to give some advice but it is you who would have to live with the consequences. And you should be very careful not to get "out of the pan and right into the fire".

And if "it" is religious, yes the religion part can be useful.

 

[Congratsbaby]

Talking to your parents now or when "it" D) comes back home, now that's tricky.
Can you convince them to let you go that far by stressing that you want to study there? I mean, can you turn them on your side? And if you do, would they get your back when "it" comes home or would they just listen to him? Or would they just shut up and let "it" and yourself sort it out?
If they can help you convincing "it", you should talk to them first.

Also, saying that you "it is your dream to study in that university" and sticking to it, could that work?

One very important question though. I can't say I know much about your country let alone about the region where that university is located but I've read horrible articles about women there. So as I said the most important thing: Would you be SAFE if you get your wish and go that far from your family in some place you don't know and where you know no one?

You've asked very good questions. Sadly , it is unpredictable. My mom is a flipper but so is my dad. Even if somehow my parents half heartedly agrees with me , when my uncle returns ( my father and my uncle doesn't talk unless necessary ) he will ask mother or idk mom will already tell him on call.
She will say " if she is not listening. What can we do? ( Which is to say , she had to agree with me ) " Literally , literally. This is like fuel to fire.
I think , then the uncle would lose his shit and he will start questioning , whatever and my mom will start taking his side.

The thing though , I don't want to convince my uncle ( or focus solely on that ) because I don't want him to have that mindset that he can control my life like that or that I owe him more than perhaps my parents ( who got legal rights on me ). So , I don't want to have just one on one convo with him. If this makes sense.

I think , I can say about the dream thing. How to say this without it being cheesy? I don't converse with them like this lol. The study thing , I shouldn't say ( because in their heads , they should know that I am going there for studies only ).

Ps. If I am asking too many questions , feel free to let me know about the ones I need to figure out myself.

I believe the place is safer than the place where the last option university stands.

 

[Congratsbaby]

I really, really hope you're right when you say that city is safe. Because I can't emphasize enough how important that part is. It is very easy to give some advice but it is you who would have to live with the consequences. And you should be very careful not to get "out of the pan and right into the fire".

And if "it" is religious, yes the religion part can be useful.

Thanks , I hope for it too. I have talked with some students , they have said good things about the city. Thanks , I get what you're saying. Indeed.

Ahm , tbh there has been a sexual assault case last year at the uni and reportedly nothing came out of it ( though a student said that she is not aware about what happened after the incident happened ).

It should be okay.

 

[Mid Night]

* I usually use so-called for other members and 'it' for uncle. I will not in this post for easy read and potential help*

I have applied to a faraway university. I submitted the application fee through my mom's bank account , while she was sleeping. I didn't necessarily intend to do it , like behind her back but I had the bill option, I could have cancelled it but I just paid.

She figured out though ( I didn't intend to hide anyways ) , she was a bit angry. This is being told because it might be used against me in future regarding this argument.

When I say , it is a faraway university. It really is , imagine moving across country.

I have certain arguments in my head and how I might approach the conversation with my parents. The problems arises with my uncle.

( Fyi :- all of the family members are difficult to talk to. They are verbally abusive , among other things )

My mom told my uncle ( on call , he is not home atm ) , the same day I applied to this uni. He felt frustrated , I could tell.

I wanted to know some practical arguments I could present to them or ways through which they will be okay for me to go there.

I do not know when will my uncle return home. But he certainly will , I usually get to know a day before or on the same day.

If it would only be my parents , it wouldn't be this hard. But when they will get support on their reluctance ( probably from whole of the house but especially the uncle ) they will be more strongly adverse to me going.

Their arguments are :- a) it will be expensive ( it will not be crazily expensive. If needed , a small loan could be taken , that I will assure them ; I will repay myself. )

b) For just a bachelor's degree that might not be so useful , it is not worth to go so far and spend so much money. ( Their ideologies ) they want me to get the degree from a nearby uni. If I was pursuing PhD or something ( in their own words ) it would make sense for me to go.

c) ofcourse the distance , me being a girl , not being so safe , how will I look after myself , " children especially girls should stay under parents' vision "

These are some of their arguments , along with what I did above ( secretly submitted the application fee )

My uncle will ask in verbally abusive tone , 1) why did I chose the university without asking anyone's permission 2) I shouldn't think I know everything 3) it is stupidity to go there

He might say other things too. Including interrogating about how I applied to the university.

I cannot simply exclude himself , especially if he is using that tone. That further puts me into danger of that argument escalating , verbal abuse and eventually the disagreement of them.

He supports me a bit financially ( the uncle ) so I guess I can't just , say " don't do this in my life. I am just going to talk to my parents "

I think because they all are abusive , especially my uncle , he is reluctant to let me be away from his influence and be free.

*I do not have any supporting adult in my life. No school counselor , teacher , relative etc.*

I will be grateful if you have something I could use , to offer.

This means a lot to me , because I do not plan to study after this degree. Eventually , even for jobs ( if I stay nearby ) I will have to settle nearby or even if I wouldn't. I just believe I have this chance , I worked for it and I don't want to let it go.

I'm praying that studying near or far offers university counseling/protection(s)/guidance, or a temporary traveling job lets you escape sexual abuse and save money for school.

 

[Congratsbaby]

I'm praying that studying near or far offers university counseling/protection(s)/guidance, or a temporary traveling job lets you escape sexual abuse and save money for school.

Thankyou so much for your prayers. I really appreciate them.

 

[GFS]

It should be okay.

I don't know if you've noticed that no one, except me, is giving any advice. The reason is not because they don't care. On the contrary, they fear that they might do more harm than good, considering your situation.
There are two reasons why I'm trying to give you some advice: first, because you sound intelligent and mature for your age, and the second is, I feared that meeting with "total silence" it could make you think you're not having the support you need and make you look for other places to ask for advice and out of desire and desperation to "escape" you could make some big mistake.

While I *did* give you some advice that might or might not work to have you achieve your "dream" I do strongly advice to consider your next step.
I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. The best option would be talking to an adult in your family that you can trust.
In any case, "It should be okay" doesn't sound that good.

 

[Congratsbaby]

I don't know if you've noticed that no one, except me, is giving any advice. The reason is not because they don't care. On the contrary, they fear that they might do more harm than good, considering your situation.
There are two reasons why I'm trying to give you some advice: first, because you sound intelligent and mature for your age, and the second is, I feared that meeting with "total silence" it could make you think you're not having the support you need and make you look for other places to ask for advice and out of desire and desperation to "escape" you could make some big mistake.

While I *did* give you some advice that might or might not work to have you achieve your "dream" I do strongly advice to consider your next step.
I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. The best option would be talking to an adult in your family that you can trust.
In any case, "It should be okay" doesn't sound that good.

I don't agree with the fear thing completely , it could be true but not truly.
I am sorry about bombarding you with questions without prior asking if you want to answer them.
I do not have any trusted adult , I did mention that in the post actually.

You gotta take risks at life. I had a dream just now , that my mom has agreed to send me to this uni and I was going. She was supporting me. And I was happy there.

I am not putting down your concern but there is no sure / safe place anyways , necessarily in my country. That doesn't mean I would go to unsafe places on purpose.

I appreciate your suggestions / replies , etc though. Thankyou. Some of them can be helpful. And I am grateful you tried to help me in whatever way you did , so far.

 

[seabird]

When it comes to getting away from parents and family, sometimes you've got to take drastic action. btw, I'm agreeing with you that there is no safe place. My family's attitudes and behaviours were similar to yours in a lot of ways although, ironically, from a very different culture. Finally, when I was in my teens I ran away from home, settled myself in a far town, worked for a year and then started going to uni. There were some bad mistakes and dangers involved. All the best to you @Congratsbaby

 

[GFS]

I am sorry about bombarding you with questions without prior asking if you want to answer them. .

Nothing to apologize for. You didn't force anyone to do answer to your questions.
I wish you all the luck. You're gonna need it. And please, keep us informed.

 

[Congratsbaby]

Nothing to apologize for. You didn't force anyone to do answer to your questions.
I wish you all the luck. You're gonna need it. And please, keep us informed.

Thankyou. Indeed , I will do.

 

[Congratsbaby]

When it comes to getting away from parents and family, sometimes you've got to take drastic action. btw, I'm agreeing with you that there is no safe place. My family's attitudes and behaviours were similar to yours in a lot of ways although, ironically, from a very different culture. Finally, when I was in my teens I ran away from home, settled myself in a far town, worked for a year and then started going to uni. There were some bad mistakes and dangers involved. All the best to you @Congratsbaby

Thankyou so much , this gives me hope. I am sorry your parents were like this though..
I hope the trauma was something you were able to overcome or will do , in the way you'd want / need.

 

[Beos]

* I usually use so-called for other members and 'it' for uncle. I will not in this post for easy read and potential help*

I have applied to a faraway university. I submitted the application fee through my mom's bank account , while she was sleeping. I didn't necessarily intend to do it , like behind her back but I had the bill option, I could have cancelled it but I just paid.

She figured out though ( I didn't intend to hide anyways ) , she was a bit angry. This is being told because it might be used against me in future regarding this argument.

When I say , it is a faraway university. It really is , imagine moving across country.

I have certain arguments in my head and how I might approach the conversation with my parents. The problems arises with my uncle.

( Fyi :- all of the family members are difficult to talk to. They are verbally abusive , among other things )

My mom told my uncle ( on call , he is not home atm ) , the same day I applied to this uni. He felt frustrated , I could tell.

I wanted to know some practical arguments I could present to them or ways through which they will be okay for me to go there.

I do not know when will my uncle return home. But he certainly will , I usually get to know a day before or on the same day.

If it would only be my parents , it wouldn't be this hard. But when they will get support on their reluctance ( probably from whole of the house but especially the uncle ) they will be more strongly adverse to me going.

Their arguments are :- a) it will be expensive ( it will not be crazily expensive. If needed , a small loan could be taken , that I will assure them ; I will repay myself. )

b) For just a bachelor's degree that might not be so useful , it is not worth to go so far and spend so much money. ( Their ideologies ) they want me to get the degree from a nearby uni. If I was pursuing PhD or something ( in their own words ) it would make sense for me to go.

c) ofcourse the distance , me being a girl , not being so safe , how will I look after myself , " children especially girls should stay under parents' vision "

These are some of their arguments , along with what I did above ( secretly submitted the application fee )

My uncle will ask in verbally abusive tone , 1) why did I chose the university without asking anyone's permission 2) I shouldn't think I know everything 3) it is stupidity to go there

He might say other things too. Including interrogating about how I applied to the university.

I cannot simply exclude himself , especially if he is using that tone. That further puts me into danger of that argument escalating , verbal abuse and eventually the disagreement of them.

He supports me a bit financially ( the uncle ) so I guess I can't just , say " don't do this in my life. I am just going to talk to my parents "

I think because they all are abusive , especially my uncle , he is reluctant to let me be away from his influence and be free.

*I do not have any supporting adult in my life. No school counselor , teacher , relative etc.*

I will be grateful if you have something I could use , to offer.

This means a lot to me , because I do not plan to study after this degree. Eventually , even for jobs ( if I stay nearby ) I will have to settle nearby or even if I wouldn't. I just believe I have this chance , I worked for it and I don't want to let it go.

what i did to study far away from a very controlling household was to find a very niche degree that only that university offered. in doing so there were a lot of scholarships available too

 

[Congratsbaby]

what i did to study far away from a very controlling household was to find a very niche degree that only that university offered. in doing so there were a lot of scholarships available too

It's kinda same with me but yeah let's see

I will see about scholarship

 

[Oizys Moros]

Lots of great dialogue and guidance.

I certainly liked Beos’ suggestion about the very niche degree being exclusive to that particular uni.

If there are campus programs, research the benefits of those to show that you’d have an academic support group to ease their concerns in that area.

I would add to be mindful of listening more than talking. As you can analyze any objections during the first attempt and the next time you all talk, you would have prepared your convincing rebuttals to their concerns in a way that may help them understand and be open to your choices.

You can begin researching and applying for as many scholarships/grants now and that way you have the financial concerns addressed.

*** this next suggestion comes from you asking for prayer on another post of yours***

God hears our prayers. We Christ followers, are taught to go to God in prayer before facing the opposition ( like talking to your family). Intercessory prayer is when someone prays on behalf of others. I will lift you and your aspirations up in prayer, that your ambitions align with God’s will, in Jesus’ name.