Hi all,
Well back on as I am out of the hospital for now. I have had 2 operations and am at home now getting a rest. One kidney is OK and its touch and go for the other over the next few weeks. I am on some really dull food and I am quite sore and stuff and to be honest, the despair is hard to fight. I keep telling myself that it will be better tomorrow and the day after but its hard to keep going, feel like I am swimming against the tide here, but I am struggling. I have had more shrink visits than personal ones and my babe never even came to see me once.
I have consigned myself to a lonely, dull life, but hey, at least I have regular food and shelter and access to healthcare and all that stuff. The reality of what I did has sunk home and after the sympathy wore off, most of those who I thought cared are pretty angry with me. What can I say? Once more I made a mess of things. I have to go back to hospital next wednesday for another week of tests and generally being poked and prodded and I am in no mood.
Life is basically shit at the moment, I can barely move, I have a constant pain in my lower back along with the sting of stitches and I have to move very slowly. I am a mess. I think sometimes that it would have been better to be successful at topping myself, but there is a voice in me that keeps telling me to just get on with it and move ahead.
It tells me ''sometimes your life has to fall apart so you can rebuild it into someting better.....'' and no, its not a 'voice' as in I am schizophrenic, its my own inner survival mechanism, I think. Everyday is a struggle to keep going, my life is one round of physical and emoptional pain after the next and to be honest, its damn hard. I have read some of the other posts and all i can say to those people is dont give in. You see, suicide was always my ace in the hole, my shaved knuckle and my wild joker - no matter what I did, well hey! Suicide was my out! Fuck it up? Kill myself. Lose my babe? Kill myself. And so on. But now, well if I cant be happy, maybe I can be content. I enjoy a lot in life (well I did once) and maybe its time to recapture that which I missed out on whilst hurting for the unattainable.
I wont try again to kill myself, I choose to exist in this pain as at least it is something I can feel. I know that there is a continuance as I had a strange experience in hospital (not an NDE though). I met an old man whilst getting a paper and we got talking. He was a decent old skin and we struck up a friendship. He told me of his wife and how she had died when she was 53 and he was 79 himself and was 55 when she died. He has gone on the last 24 years without her, missing her all the time but he was happy. I told him bluntly my whole story and he sat smiling and listening intently through it all. He was in some way a very serence fellow and had a kind face, but still there was an edge of pain in his eyes.
Love never dies he told me, never. It can look different, it can change its shape, but once created, it is always there. As my own grandfather used to say, where there is life there is always, always hope and he fought in WW2 so he knows a thing or two about hope I would imagine. Maybe I have to wait 24 years to be happy again, or maybe I will just have a life being a wise giver of knowledge, who knows, but death is no longer on the agenda. Its too precious a gift to throw away, life, no matter the pain.
Maybe I have a long time ahead of me, maybe I dont, but love will never die in me and I am blessed that it touched me. And after I am gone the love shall go on and maybe it shall touch another and they shall know happiness?
I have coined a line for myself that I say every morning into the mirror. I was ever a contrary fellow and went against the grain a lot.
''Take courage and throw your face into the wind and scream to the fates and the malignant forces that strive to wear you down that you will not break, though yet you may bend at times, you will not yield, though it seems the easier option, you will not pass quietly and you will live on and survive to know another day.''
I defy life whilst embracing it for it is a cruel at times master, it is also a source of joy. I shall nurse my memories of joy and take sustenance from them, for it seem they are all I have left. But never shall I lay down and give in to despair.
Never.
Ian
Well back on as I am out of the hospital for now. I have had 2 operations and am at home now getting a rest. One kidney is OK and its touch and go for the other over the next few weeks. I am on some really dull food and I am quite sore and stuff and to be honest, the despair is hard to fight. I keep telling myself that it will be better tomorrow and the day after but its hard to keep going, feel like I am swimming against the tide here, but I am struggling. I have had more shrink visits than personal ones and my babe never even came to see me once.
I have consigned myself to a lonely, dull life, but hey, at least I have regular food and shelter and access to healthcare and all that stuff. The reality of what I did has sunk home and after the sympathy wore off, most of those who I thought cared are pretty angry with me. What can I say? Once more I made a mess of things. I have to go back to hospital next wednesday for another week of tests and generally being poked and prodded and I am in no mood.
Life is basically shit at the moment, I can barely move, I have a constant pain in my lower back along with the sting of stitches and I have to move very slowly. I am a mess. I think sometimes that it would have been better to be successful at topping myself, but there is a voice in me that keeps telling me to just get on with it and move ahead.
It tells me ''sometimes your life has to fall apart so you can rebuild it into someting better.....'' and no, its not a 'voice' as in I am schizophrenic, its my own inner survival mechanism, I think. Everyday is a struggle to keep going, my life is one round of physical and emoptional pain after the next and to be honest, its damn hard. I have read some of the other posts and all i can say to those people is dont give in. You see, suicide was always my ace in the hole, my shaved knuckle and my wild joker - no matter what I did, well hey! Suicide was my out! Fuck it up? Kill myself. Lose my babe? Kill myself. And so on. But now, well if I cant be happy, maybe I can be content. I enjoy a lot in life (well I did once) and maybe its time to recapture that which I missed out on whilst hurting for the unattainable.
I wont try again to kill myself, I choose to exist in this pain as at least it is something I can feel. I know that there is a continuance as I had a strange experience in hospital (not an NDE though). I met an old man whilst getting a paper and we got talking. He was a decent old skin and we struck up a friendship. He told me of his wife and how she had died when she was 53 and he was 79 himself and was 55 when she died. He has gone on the last 24 years without her, missing her all the time but he was happy. I told him bluntly my whole story and he sat smiling and listening intently through it all. He was in some way a very serence fellow and had a kind face, but still there was an edge of pain in his eyes.
Love never dies he told me, never. It can look different, it can change its shape, but once created, it is always there. As my own grandfather used to say, where there is life there is always, always hope and he fought in WW2 so he knows a thing or two about hope I would imagine. Maybe I have to wait 24 years to be happy again, or maybe I will just have a life being a wise giver of knowledge, who knows, but death is no longer on the agenda. Its too precious a gift to throw away, life, no matter the pain.
Maybe I have a long time ahead of me, maybe I dont, but love will never die in me and I am blessed that it touched me. And after I am gone the love shall go on and maybe it shall touch another and they shall know happiness?
I have coined a line for myself that I say every morning into the mirror. I was ever a contrary fellow and went against the grain a lot.
''Take courage and throw your face into the wind and scream to the fates and the malignant forces that strive to wear you down that you will not break, though yet you may bend at times, you will not yield, though it seems the easier option, you will not pass quietly and you will live on and survive to know another day.''
I defy life whilst embracing it for it is a cruel at times master, it is also a source of joy. I shall nurse my memories of joy and take sustenance from them, for it seem they are all I have left. But never shall I lay down and give in to despair.
Never.
Ian