Never young.

Discussion in 'School, Uni and Starting Out (New Forum)' started by Brittless, Oct 6, 2016.

  1. Brittless

    Brittless All I loved I loved alone...

    I find it kind of ironic that there's these forums to break up our lives into moments in time, because I have always felt like an adult, even when a child, my childhood was lost early on and reality of troubles facing us was apparent.

    But there is a need for this forum, because I also lost my adult youth due to illness. I didn't get to experience things that most get to experience when they're entering adulthood, well except for the bad and for extreme responsibility. Medical issues. Medical debt. Loneliness. Depression.

    It was supposed to be a new chapter of my life, one where I thrived because I never felt I belonged in categories of adolescence etc, but life made sure I still felt out of place by hindering my strengths. Unhinging my mind. Leaving me feeling worthless.

    Through all of this, though I still feel incredibly unsure of myself and I don't get to experience the fun side of being a young adult (Is there one??), I have triumphed in university, juggled jobs, and relationships all through incredible pain.

    No one really knows how hard it is to maintain relationships, to function everyday like everyone else, when pain latches onto you, like a heavy weight. No one knows and yet maybe that is because I don't speak up.

    I guess I just wanted to say it is hard to find my place in the world, which I think a lot of people in this stage struggle with. I was a very confident teenager, and now I am a very uncertain human being. I don't know that I fit into this world anymore. I don't think there is a place for me, even while I jump through the hoops of being a student, a worker, a lover, a relative.

    It all seems incredibly futile when my life feels like a joke. Why am I even "starting out" in life? I no longer want it. I no longer know it. I no longer know me.
  2. Brittless

    Brittless All I loved I loved alone...

    To add to all of this, there is no purpose I've been pursuing. I've just been winging it...
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I think that almost everyone "wings it" when it comes to life. Even if you think you have a plan, the plan never seems to work out the way you want it to. I can't help you with the "fun" thing - I suppose it depends on your idea of fun. The typical idea of "fun" in the UK for people in their late teens/early twenties seems to be going out and getting horribly dunk which I find to be unpleasant at best.

    The good thing is that there isn't a deadline on figuring out where you 'fit in' and you get to define that for yourself - who you want to be, the ways in which you want to fit - that is yours to decide and while you may be jumping through hoops, and there will always be hoops to jump through, you do still get to choose the hoops.

    Good luck Brittless! You're doing just fine - it isn't a race and you will get there :)
  4. Brittless

    Brittless All I loved I loved alone...

    I never found getting inebriated fun either. There are other things I find fun. Adventures to take. Places to see. It's kind of hard to experience these things and grow as a person when all I experience 24/7 is pain.

    That's the thing though that I am trying to say. Do I get to define it? Because I feel powerless and like a lot of my choice has been taken away by a stupid physical/chronic illness. I can't really fit into a place of society when the place that I fit in is well perhaps a hospital. Or a torture chamber.

    The things I do do are because I must to survive. But merely surviving doesn't feel like living.

    I appreciate the reply. Encouragement is always nice. I just don't know if when I get where ever I'm going, if it'll feel like living or like anything other than what I experience on a daily basis.