New here... and severely depressed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NewWaveGoddess89, Sep 20, 2006.

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  1. NewWaveGoddess89

    NewWaveGoddess89 New Member

    Hey all, hopefully I made the right decision searching for friends and people to talk to here.

    First off, my name is Sami. I'm a Bisexual girl living in Pittsburgh PA, I'm 16 and a high school senior. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder, Depression, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Change Adjustment issues, ever since I was 13.

    Right now, I'm just so distrought, and I have so much too say I'm getting overwhelmed by typing this. I'll say as much as I can, and add more things later as time goes on...

    The most popular phrase I seem to be hearing lately is "I'm not your friend, I'm more like your fucking therapist... go get some hep you psycho". Which is how people feel about me. I am a completely emotionally distrought... MESS. Right now I want to die... I don't know if I could ever try to kill myself. I've felt like this many times before, but somehow I got through it. But now I feel in my heart this is the end of the rope for me. I just don't see a point in going on. I'm depressed over everything, (and I know this sounds stupid) but the biggest thing in general is the fact that I'm single... and I can't seem to have a working relationship. Other factors include just being emotionally abused by my family and past friends, and I hate myself with a passion. I'm overweight, I feel horribly ugly, I feel like everyone hates me, I feel so lonely, SO VERY LONELY, I have no one left in my life to run to, and I hate living in pain every single day. I literally cry every single DAY. Almost all day just off and on crying in school, crying at home, crying at (when I had them...) friends' homes.

    So relationships... yes I know I'm almost 17, yes I know there's "someone out there for everyone"... but when you feel like I do... you just can't hear any of it, nothing sinks in.

    I've had numerous crushes in my life, and most of them broke me down. My BIGGEST problem is I am obsessive with my crushes and cling to them with everything I've got, and when I get turned down I have emotional breakdowns and I can't just "let it go". I just can't, I get thoughts and feelings in my heart and mind just telling myself I'll be with them someday, and everything will be okay, that just because they said "no" it dosen't mean no never. Sometimes within time I get over them... or I stay "in love" or "infatuaed" or "obsessed" with them for years.

    First a brief overview of my life, I lived with my mom, dad, and brother from the time I was an infant, to the time I was 11. In 1999, when I was 10 my dad left my mom for his co-worker. My mom became severely depressed (she's who I inherited my disorders from), and she attempted suicide. But she did not succeed, instead she lived a lonely life. She couldn't clean our house, or take care of my brother and I, so CYF took us away from her and sent us to live with our grandmother. I lived there and went to a different school from the time I was 11 to 14.

    While there I had my very first crush on a boy named Corey when I was 12. He actually said he'd go out with me. We dated for 2 months, and then he broke up with me. I couldn't handle it. I never wanted to let go of him, he was the only thing I had to hang onto in my life. He was very very cold and mean towards me. And for 2 years I stayed clung to him, getting me kicked out of my school because I "stalked" him in school. I just always wanted to be with him and I was always begging him for a 2nd chance. He told the principals and they removed me. One thing lead to another and I began living with my dad (where I am now) and going to my 3rd (and final) school.

    As time passed I got over Corey, he changed his number, I moved... we lost contact. But during the 2 years of being clung to him, I was in pain. I went to Western Psych 3 times for suicidal thoughts over him. And he didn't care one iota. I had a few male flings, none of them dated me, they just wanted to sexually use me. Which I let them... because at that time I just wanted human contact. And when they were using me I felt loved at that moment.

    Soon I realised I wasn't straight. I met a girl named Gemma online in 2004 through a forum of a band I used to like. And I believe I fell in love with her. She lives in England, but we talked everyday in every form you could think of, computer, webcam, forum, IM, phone... everything. But she was straight, and when she turned me down she really got freaked out at the way I was, believing we could be in a 3,000mile away relationship, even though she liked men. She changed her email and her number and once again she deserted me like Corey. I fell to pieces, and cried over her for all of that year. Eventually her lack of precense in my life made me get over her.

    In April of 2005, I met a girl named Amber. My first feelings for her were based on physical attraction. She was a Junior, I was a Sophomore. I would see her in the hallways and I thought she was a dream come true. She was just SO beautiful to me. Even though everyone thought she was ugly, because she has very short hair and dressed like a man. Alot of people including me assumed she was a Lesbian. The end of the 2005-2006 school year was approaching and I knew I had to talk to her. My friends already had told her I had a crush on her and she was flattered. But I hadn't spoken to her. Eventually I did, and when I asked her of her sexuality I was suprised to find she we neither Gay nor Straight. She had NEVER had a relationship, NEVER had a crush on anyone and NO ONE other than ME had EVER had a crush on her. She liked it that way too. She wants to live her life alone without a relationship, and die single. She hates people and has no desire for friendships let alone a relationship...

    Well that didn't stop me from falling in love with her. Last year was the 2005-2006 school year, and she graduated. But during the whole year I truely fell in love with her. She is my heart and soul and I'd do anything in the world to be with her. She knows of my feelings for her, and she told me she dosen't want anyone, ever. She's never told me "No sami we will NEVER be together" she just says she wants to die alone. We don't talk on the phone because she hates them, we don't talk on the computer either because she ignores mine (and anyone elses) messages they send her. You ask "Sami, why would you want to be with someone like this?" and I can only say "I don't know". I love her with every ounce of life I have left, and I want to marry that girl. She graduated last year, and I've been alone ever since. She's not in school anymore and I hardly ever see her let alone speak to her. We live in the same neighbourhood but when I go to her house she never lets me in (never has) and only talks to me for a few minutes then goes back inside. She's a very secluded person and wants to keep it that way. I just keep praying and hoping SOMEDAY she'll change her mind...and we'll be together. I believe there is a chance somewhere and I just want her to give me a shot to prove how much I love and want to be with her for the rest of my life. But I don't know if that day will ever come... and that's a big reason why I've been depressed for the past year and a half. So currently, no I'm not over Amber... and if she told me we'd never be together or quit being friends with me... I would kill myself no question.

    So I tried to move on from Amber a little bit. Not completely forget about my feelings for her but try to find someone temporarily to see if I could fall in love with. And it was SO difficult. Because I'm very VERY picky in relationships an with my mind on her I couldn't find anyone. But I met a girl named Jane. I believe I fell in love with her too. She said she was Bisexual, but she didn't want to have a girlfriend. She pretended to like me, she used me sexually (at my willingness because I wanted to be with her) and then after 5 months of dragging me along on a string, she said she was done being my friend and that I needed to get over her, she had a boyfriend. I was crushed. I had a mental breakdown and thought about suicide again... but I had Amber to fall back on. I wasn't completely hopeless because I had Amber and the thought of having a chance with her deep in the back of my mind, and after 4 months of crying I was okay. Jane moved and I don't speak to her anymore, last I heard she hates me, thinks I'm psychotic, and wants me to die. I'm actually over her now.

    I tried again to get over Amber... this time in July of this year. Just 2 months ago I met a guy this time, named John. I met him through my step sister's friend. Basically he just wanted a buddy to have sex with... and so did I. I thought I could do it, and still have feelings for Amber to lie in the background. But after we did it once... I ended up having feelings for him. Very strong ones. He backed off and said he didn't want a relationship with no one. I begged and pleaded, and I found out he was dating one of my friends who I actually didn't like anymore even before that. But I was so upset. He told me he was with her, and that I was just a sex buddy and he never did and never will have feelings for me like that. I cried for 2 weeks... but now after we've stopped speaking I think I'm over him. Maybe not.

    Last one, again I tried to get over Amber. I met this girl Taya, she was actually friends with Amber last year and knew who I was and how I felt about her. Well now Taya is the other "Amber" in my life. I met her last month and we started to hang out. One night I asked her if she was Bi, and she said "she didn't really know". She said a gay relationship is something she wouldn't completely shun out of her life and she just never knows. After only knowing her for a month I have INCREDIBLY strong feelings for this girl, I care for her so much, just like I did when Amber and I first met. I told her how I felt and she rejected me nicely... and told me that she was in love with a guy. She has been since 8th grade, and that just recently she found out he had feelings for her too... now they're going to homecoming together on October 7th and that night she's going to ask him out into a relationship. And if they do end up dating... I think I might kill myself...

    I just can't handle this pain anymore. Amber dosen't care about me, and the only friends I had deserted me because I "was too much to handle" and they "weren't my therapist". Right now I'm falling hard and fast for Taya and she cares about me and loves me as a best friend... but she can't help me when she's the problem. She knows how torn apart I'm becoming and she's sorry there's nothing she can do. The only thing that would make me sane again is if she could give me a chance. She said she dosen't know if there's a future between us because she can't picture herself with anyone else but this guy. So I'm in a breakdown right now. I cry everyday at home and in school, and we have 1st period together. She sees me cry but she can't really talk to me because we're in school. She's supposed to get online to talk to me tonight, but I don't know if she will. I just can't get through this. I keep telling her I'm falling apart, but nothings getting better. She said to me today that she promised me on her life I wasn't freaking her out, and that she would never ever get annoyed with me falling for her, even falling in love with her if that comes to it. I feel like I already did. And without Taya, I'm nothing right now. I feel like I have nothing left in my heart to give and I'm just dying. I can't eat, I can't sleep... I just cry and cry and cry. And hope and wish and pray that tomorrow Taya will be mine. We'll be together and no longer will I have to cry that I'm alone. I can't do this, I can't grow old alone like this, I can't function in a normal society like this. And if I'm not with Taya or Amber soon, I don't think I can last any longer.

    I'm sorry that this probably sounds stupid, but I hope someone understands how much fucking pain I'm in. How much I just need this stuff to happen to have hope for a normal life.
  2. bunny

    bunny Staff Alumni

    im not great with advice at the moment but i hope a few hugs can help a little :hug: :hug:

    always remember you can send me a PM anytime you need someone to chat to :smile:

  3. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    hey hun

    Firstly welcome to SF and i believe you have made the right choice comming to SF as its very helpful to talk to people who are in similar situations. People are very understanding and won't judge you one your past or whats you've done. Its very easy to get friendly with people here :smile: everyones very nice and friendly.

    Anyway my names Vikki and im 19 from London, England, nice to meet ya :biggrin:

    What my opinon is (correct me if im wrong) i think you need the feeling of being loved, possibly from what happened with your mum. I think that if you dont have that loving feeling from someone then you become insecure about who you are and what people think of you, and thats why you fall in 'love' with so many people time and time again, i personally think your trying to fill that loving 'gap' with a relationship hence the persuing (spelling) of the relationships one after the other. But thats my personally opinion please correct me if you feel any of that was wrong, and sorry if you found any of that offensive of rude, i didnt intend it.

    Please feel free to PM (personal message) me anytime if you need to talk :hug:

    take care


  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    First of all welcome to SF!!!!

    Glad you found us........

    I would also like you to know we are always here for you. I am going through a rough time with divorce and ect. so I am failing with words right now, but if you need someone to talk to or just someone to listen, know I am here for you hun.

    :hug: :hug:

    With lots of hugs,
  5. babycheeses

    babycheeses Active Member

    Hey newwave! In no way am I belittling what you're going through when I say this but high school sucks ass! Every negative thing about you seems amped up.

    I haven't been diagnosed with any disorder but I'll say this much I've done a psyc degree and one thing I noticed is that everyone has aspects of different disorders (I seem to fit an Attachment Disorder profile) which, at the time, made me wonder if I was going to grow up like Principal Skinner or something.

    Thing is, we all have aspects of it and it doesn't determine who we are. For people who are diagnosed the difference is that these aspects can affect your life. But it's always on a continuum. While this illness is a part of you it doesn't mean it will become you. You're getting help which is a good start but over time you'll learn how to manage it. It won't be easy but I really believe it's manageable and you can work it so that it won't control your life and your relationships.
    And you're gonna meet all kinds of people who you might fall for. People who claim to be A-sexual, and people who might be overly and annoyingly obsessed with you. It'd be cool to meet someone who will gel with you really well but if it doesn't it doesn't mean you'll die alone. I've always had that fear but in the last few years I've made some AMAZING friends who I never thought I'd find and they mean so much to me.

    As for relationships in high school, well they're a mix of the most wacky variety. I had a LOT of girlfriends in high school but I'm gay and I've never really been with a man. In my need to be with someone I made a bad decision not long ago and had a threesome with two guys who I didn't know very well and got hurt bad. I don't know if I'll ever be in a relationship with a guy but I know that it'll be okay if I'm not. Sometimes it's painful to realise I've never been in love with someone, while they love me but so many people in this world have that predicament and friends really can help.

    I know all we can see is what we've got in front of us but try and hold onto the fact that you will meet many more people after high school and that your need to be with Tanya or Amber will hopefully dissipate a little.

    You don't have to sing songs from the Sound of Music all day. Just keep plodding along till u find the next thing. That works for me.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    hi and welcome...issues of sexuality and intimacy are so damn difficult at any age, let alone, at almost 17...when i was your age, i felt very similar to how you describe yourself...i have come to realize that sexual preference is along a vast continumm and that many ppl fall in a more gray area than reported...i also have realized that if i can love deeply, and the relationship does not work out, for whatever reason, it was practice for a real love...these are good things...please stay with us and see who you can connect with sure makes the journey less lonely and more satisfying...all the best, Jackie
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