New member-my story.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by iceeblusmurf, Feb 21, 2008.

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  1. iceeblusmurf

    iceeblusmurf Senior Member

    Ok so here is my story, you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to, it just feels good to get it out so someone that isn’t involved.

    So, when I was a little over a year old, my mom got pregnant with my younger brother. There were complications with the pregnancy, so my mom had to be in hospital for a long time with my brother, so I was left with my dad. When my mom came back she said that there were a lot of signs that made her believe my dad had been sexually molesting me…yet she did nothing about it. My parents didn’t have a good marriage anyways and he left when I was about 3.

    Due to the complications with the pregnancy my brother was born with CP (cerebral Palsy). So this caused him to have tons of doctor’s appointments, physical therapy, and surgeries. So I got ignored a lot and stuck with family members. My mom also went to school off and on through out my child hood. Eventually she did get a degree in physiology but she never went after a career in it. Because she didn’t want to lose my brothers disability insurance she could never work much over min wage, because if she made over a curtain amount the state would stop sending his SSI money to her, and his insurance would be come. So once again everything was about him.

    My mom was very religious and controlling. So this caused me to have a lot of behavioral issues as a child, I just couldn’t handle all the rules. She invaded my privacy all the time. She would search my room for anything she could. Put spy ware on my computer so she could see everything I was saying to anyone. Even so far as to take my Diary and use it against me. So would gather information for months before coming after me, and I really mean coming after me. She would get my grandparents and they would all gang up on me yelling at me and telling me that I was disrespectful and I would be grounded and have everything taken away for usually a year. This happened about 3 or 4 times through out junior high and the beginning of high school. Through out all this I became very depressed, and suicidal. I cut myself (I have scars on my arms) and many times almost took a few bottles of pills. Finally at the beginning of my junior year it happened for the last time. For the first time I really fought back, and she kicked me out. I went to live with family friends from our church. This was the best thing that could ever happen to me. My mom hated it, this was an amazing, well off family who did a lot for me. So even though she had told me to get out, she was so angry that she made me come home on weekends and breaks. So my last to years of high school were pretty hectic. But I did better, I started getting good grades, and I graduated. My mom refused to pay for my SAT’s and my college applications. So I was lucky enough to have a teacher who had faith in me and helped me. I got into a really good state university. I was going to get away from it all.

    So in September 2006 I moved into the dorms. I met an amazing guy at a party. (I had been in relationships before, that was part of my mom’s problem with me, she didn’t want me dating). We started dating. Things were great! In June I moved in with him, and it was all going so much better. Then in October 2007 I was riding my bike to campus and I had an accident, a car came to close and I swerved, my tire hit the curb and I landed right on my ankle. Luckily enough it wasn’t broken but pretty close. I had a fiberglass cast and was on crutches for over a month. Because I lived in a third floor apartment with no elevator I couldn’t get around. The HR at my work wouldn’t let me come back to work until I got off the crutches. Since I couldn’t do the stairs by myself, and my boyfriend worked all day, I had to drop most of my classes. Eventually when I got back to everything my boss came to me and said she was leaving. Her and I were close, she said the rest of the management didn’t like me, and that I had better leave now or they were going to fire me after she left. So I left that job. This hit right at Christmas break. I spent the next two months trying to find a job; by this time I had started my next term of school. I was having a lot of trouble finding a job in my small college town so I had to drop out. I had hoped that by dropping out and opening up my availability I would be able to find something, but still nothing. So eventually my boyfriend couldn’t do it anymore. I had been giving him all the money I had but there wasn’t anymore coming in. He couldn’t support me anymore. After much talking we decided that we would try and keep our relationship work, but I had to move back in with my mom… I had no other choice. I had been out for a year and a half…it had been going great. Now I am back. It took a lot of convincing to get her to let me move back in but eventually she let me. So now I’m back here, my boyfriend is back in our town, with all our friends, 2hours away. Neither one of us has a car, so we can’t see each other. He is distancing himself a little because he wants me to get on my own two feet by myself, not depend on him. But its hard, I don’t have any friends, I don’t have anyone to talk to…I’m so lonely. He is a good guy, and I don’t blame him for how he is being, he just wants a little space, he wants to see that I am really trying and not just being a leech. But it’s still hard. I’m so depressed. Our plan is that once I get a job we are both going to be saving, and if everything goes right, he is going to try and find a job here and move up here so we can get a place together again. But that’s still 4months away. It’s just so hard having to be alone like this. I am hardly sleeping, I haven’t eaten in days… I feel really pathetic and stupid.

    In the midst of all this, his best friend and girlfriend said they never want to see me again. We hung out with these people at least 3days a week. I considered them my two closest friends…but apparently they don’t like me. They blame me for my boyfriend’s problems; they say everything is my fault that I’ve screwed him over. It would just be so much easier if they hadn’t done this, I would still have friends. The girlfriend lives really close to where my mom lives, she drives out to town every weekend to see her boyfriend, and I could ride with her to see mine…but they refuse to see me or talk to me. My boyfriend doesn’t agree with them, he was furious at them for the way they treated me, and he did send his best friend a message saying this and that they needed to talk. But when he went over they just ended up talking politics the entire time. He said that was the best he could have hoped for; he made it clear that he was mad, but that they just aren’t talking about it…so he still hangs out with the guy, and that kind of hurts me. But I understand that it’s his best friend and he has known him longer then me.

    I have NO friends here in town. I’ve applied to over 20 jobs in two days, and I have two interviews coming up, so I’m working hard, but I’m just so alone. I have no one to talk to. I’m stuck in a tiny room all day on my ass watching TV. I know that might sound fine, but it’s so lonely.

    I know my situation may now sound so bad…I know I may sound pathetic…but I just don’t have anyone to talk to…no one to try and get things out to. My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I try and dump it all on him, its too much pressure on him, and I understand that, so I put on the good face when we talk, I want to preserve our relationship. I don’t want to lose him.

    So anyways, I think that’s everything. Sorry to send this to you, if you read the entire thing I’m sorry. I just kind of needed to get it out, feel like I had someone to talk to. Try and get myself out of this depression, because I don’t want to be that suicidal person I used to be, I hated that person.

    So thats my story. thanks.
     
  2. Deep Thought

    Deep Thought Well-Known Member

    :welcome: to SF.

    Firstly, y r u sorry 4 people reading this? we read it coz we want 2 kno u and help u.

    Anyway, i'm sorry 2 hear about ur situation. i can kinda relate 2 havin an overbearing mother, not as bad as ur case but i kno how i feel bout it so i can begin 2 imagine wot u go through. i'm sorry to hear u dropped out of college, it must have been bad 4 tht 2 happen. mayb u could continue studies wen ur back on ur feet?

    ur bf seems like a good guy. it must b hard living tht far away from him. but i'm glad u say u understand y he's doin it, even though its hard. though it must have been hard 4 him wen his friends did tht 2 u, i mean in 1 hand he's got u (his gf) and in the other he's got his best mate, so he struck a compromise. r there any good places near u 4 socialising? i kno wot u mean bout gettin a job, i'm at uni and i apply 4 jobs weekly and i haven't heard anything since xmas, and i dont live in a small town!

    my advice is 2 stick with it, keep lookin 4 jobs on a regular basis. if u can go 2 job centres or something. also take the first job tht comes along, it might b shit pay, or long or not enough hours, but at least its work (and money). if u dont like the job u get, keep it while u continue searching. (i wish i listen 2 my advice, lol)

    good luck, and best wishes

    D.T
     
  3. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hey hun, I'm sorry that you have been through what you have. I know life seems so hard and unfair, and it seems that it is honestly very much that way for so many people. I am glad you joined the forum, where others can I identify with your problems, feelings and struggles. I hope it really helps you. I'm here anytime you want or need to talk, and yes, we are talking now. :eek:hmy: but remember anytime you want/need to talk or even are just lonely and need a friendly presence that I am here for you, OK? :hug:
     
  4. taranama

    taranama Well-Known Member

    welcome!

    the best thing is that you found SF! everyone here is so nice and we'll try to help you through your tough time.. if you get bored and wanna chat, add me, but let me know who you are :huh:

    :hug:
     
  5. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Quote by deepthought - """"ur bf seems like a good guy. it must b hard living tht far away from him. but i'm glad u say u understand y he's doin it, even though its hard. though it must have been hard 4 him wen his friends did tht 2 u, i mean in 1 hand he's got u (his gf) and in the other he's got his best mate, so he struck a compromise. r there any good places near u 4 socialising?""""

    Sorry but how does her bf sound like a good guy?? To me he:

    1) gave her no help during the time she was on crutches to the point where she had to drop outta uni.

    Since I couldn’t do the stairs by myself, and my boyfriend worked all day, I had to drop most of my classes.

    2) He asked her to move out so she had to live with her mother who he must have known was controlling and had previously chucked her out.

    So eventually my boyfriend couldn’t do it anymore. I had been giving him all the money I had but there wasn’t anymore coming in. He couldn’t support me anymore.

    3) He's distancing himself (despite saying its so she can stand on her own two feet) at a time when she is in the most need of his support and love.

    He is distancing himself a little because he wants me to get on my own two feet by myself, not depend on him. But its hard, I don’t have any friends, I don’t have anyone to talk to…I’m so lonely.

    4) Although they are going out so therefore there should be some form of trust he is testing her to see she's not gonna be dependent on him despite this being a time in her life (had to quit uni and a job in one!) when she probably needs the most support.

    he wants to see that I am really trying and not just being a leech.

    5) His bestfriend and gf have put down his gf (who he is planning to live with, and from that i suppose planning for at least the near future to spend his life with) but despite being 'furious' at them all he actually talks about is politics and says that it is the best he could do plus he still hangs out with this guy that has insulted his gf!

    My boyfriend doesn’t agree with them, he was furious at them for the way they treated me, and he did send his best friend a message saying this and that they needed to talk. But when he went over they just ended up talking politics the entire time. He said that was the best he could have hoped for; he made it clear that he was mad, but that they just aren’t talking about it…so he still hangs out with the guy, and that kind of hurts me.

    6) Her bf doesn't want to hear about any of her problems despite the fact she is going through a lot at the moment because it will be a downer for him! To me that means he has absolutely no considerations for her feelings.

    My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I try and dump it all on him, its too much pressure on him, and I understand that, so I put on the good face when we talk.

    I want to preserve our relationship. I don’t want to lose him.

    First step?? Dump the 'boyfriend'!!!!
     
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