Hi all
Apologies for the rant in advance. I dont really have anyone to talk to (self inflicted, I have pushed away those that I could).
I joined SF in July 2020 when I hit my lowest point.
In the six years since then, I have not improved.
The problems in my life are largely the same as they were then. I have not improved my life or my person or my mental health. I am utterly stagnant.
I look at myself, and the life that I have built, and I just feel so much disgust. Proper, bone-deep, contempt for who I am.
I know that the only thing, the only solution, is to try and change, and to work on myself. Get healthier - physically and mentally. Identify parts of my life to strive for tangible goals, benchmarking success.
I have found that I lack the willpower to sustain the effort to achieve these goals. I always enter a period of:
"youre already so fucked, and so far down the rabbit hole, you could spend a decade trying to improve your life, but it still won't be enough to get where you want to be, and whats worse, you cannot reclaim the lost years, the decades, of being your worst self".
And then I crash and burn, turn back to old, unhealthy habits, give up.
I feel like im just an NPC in my own life.
I have so much hatred for myself in the knowledge that every single one of my problems is 100% self inflicted, not through any great trauma (i have had none), and not through a lack of opportunities or lack of support and love from those around me (i have had plenty of both), but instead stem from my pure, unmitigated inadequacies as a person. My lack of ambition. My decisions made on impulse or based on others opinions, rather than my own goals. I have been forced to face the fact that ultimately, I am a weak person.
I am that one you see in a TV show and think, "fuck, what a pathetic, failure of a human" and the only cause for my personal failure, is me. No other person or event has any blame.
Part of the problem I think is that around 7 years ago, just before I joined SF, I very nearly killed myself. I dont think I have recovered since from the mind set of "just one more day, you can do it" and as such I have been completely alienated from any conception of my future, or ability to plan long term. its like part of me did die that day, and since then theres just been this semi-alive me that has continued the motions of living and having a life, but there has been something fundamental lacking.
i am not about to give up and kill myself, but at the same time I am not being hyperbolic when I say I hold no hope that I can now restore my life to a place that I am content and comfortable with it.
The only redeeming quality of what I have become is that others can look me and use me as a ghost-of-christmas-future and think "that is NOT who i will become" and be motivated to change their lives and get back on track. I am a warning of how a weak person is made, and how a life can be cobbled together into something not worth living.
For anyone reading this, especially younger folk, take this lesson to heart. Dont be a ghost in your own life. take proactive steps to change yourself incrementally until you become someone that you are proud to see in the mirror. When you see yourself slipping, develop a technique to reset and get back on the path.
I did not do those things, again not through any circumstances outside my control, but purely because I failed. I was not good enough. If this was Darwinism, I would be that bird with the incorrect adaption that just drowns, because it was never had the capability to live.
Be stronger than me.
Apologies for the rant in advance. I dont really have anyone to talk to (self inflicted, I have pushed away those that I could).
I joined SF in July 2020 when I hit my lowest point.
In the six years since then, I have not improved.
The problems in my life are largely the same as they were then. I have not improved my life or my person or my mental health. I am utterly stagnant.
I look at myself, and the life that I have built, and I just feel so much disgust. Proper, bone-deep, contempt for who I am.
I know that the only thing, the only solution, is to try and change, and to work on myself. Get healthier - physically and mentally. Identify parts of my life to strive for tangible goals, benchmarking success.
I have found that I lack the willpower to sustain the effort to achieve these goals. I always enter a period of:
"youre already so fucked, and so far down the rabbit hole, you could spend a decade trying to improve your life, but it still won't be enough to get where you want to be, and whats worse, you cannot reclaim the lost years, the decades, of being your worst self".
And then I crash and burn, turn back to old, unhealthy habits, give up.
I feel like im just an NPC in my own life.
I have so much hatred for myself in the knowledge that every single one of my problems is 100% self inflicted, not through any great trauma (i have had none), and not through a lack of opportunities or lack of support and love from those around me (i have had plenty of both), but instead stem from my pure, unmitigated inadequacies as a person. My lack of ambition. My decisions made on impulse or based on others opinions, rather than my own goals. I have been forced to face the fact that ultimately, I am a weak person.
I am that one you see in a TV show and think, "fuck, what a pathetic, failure of a human" and the only cause for my personal failure, is me. No other person or event has any blame.
Part of the problem I think is that around 7 years ago, just before I joined SF, I very nearly killed myself. I dont think I have recovered since from the mind set of "just one more day, you can do it" and as such I have been completely alienated from any conception of my future, or ability to plan long term. its like part of me did die that day, and since then theres just been this semi-alive me that has continued the motions of living and having a life, but there has been something fundamental lacking.
i am not about to give up and kill myself, but at the same time I am not being hyperbolic when I say I hold no hope that I can now restore my life to a place that I am content and comfortable with it.
The only redeeming quality of what I have become is that others can look me and use me as a ghost-of-christmas-future and think "that is NOT who i will become" and be motivated to change their lives and get back on track. I am a warning of how a weak person is made, and how a life can be cobbled together into something not worth living.
For anyone reading this, especially younger folk, take this lesson to heart. Dont be a ghost in your own life. take proactive steps to change yourself incrementally until you become someone that you are proud to see in the mirror. When you see yourself slipping, develop a technique to reset and get back on the path.
I did not do those things, again not through any circumstances outside my control, but purely because I failed. I was not good enough. If this was Darwinism, I would be that bird with the incorrect adaption that just drowns, because it was never had the capability to live.
Be stronger than me.
