As a teenager, I didn’t see any future for myself. I had no goals or interests of my own. I was stressed by the constant fighting between my parents and I was harmed by my mother’s intent to relive her life through me, and the emotional abuse when I failed her.
Now, every few months I fall into a new bout of depression.
I still have no goals of my own.
I don’t feel like I have agency. I don’t even want it when I think of trying to change my situation.
I just want to retreat into myself and be cared for. Or end myself, but I’m too afraid to try.
I wasn’t raised to be an independent adult. I wasn’t raised to have my own goals. My attempts to change myself have failed. I don’t wish to continue trying. I want to die. I want respite from my pain.
I wish I weren’t a coward.
Now, every few months I fall into a new bout of depression.
I still have no goals of my own.
I don’t feel like I have agency. I don’t even want it when I think of trying to change my situation.
I just want to retreat into myself and be cared for. Or end myself, but I’m too afraid to try.
I wasn’t raised to be an independent adult. I wasn’t raised to have my own goals. My attempts to change myself have failed. I don’t wish to continue trying. I want to die. I want respite from my pain.
I wish I weren’t a coward.