Hi guys. My name is Viktor. I am 31 years old and i'm from Czech republic. I was trying to find some forum like this made by people from Czech republic, but i didn't find any. On top of not having friends, love and job, there are other stuff that are now going on in my life, so just simply talk about my problems won't fix it. I wanted to to find people to meet. You are all from US? You guys have easier life. You can find many stuff about everything on internet etc.. I was also searching videos on youtube about depression. When i was searching in english, i found so many videos about it. When i searched in Czech, i found none.I need some people here with me. Not just posting about it. It doesn't work for me much anymore. But still i'm going to tell you my story. I have always been very sensitive person. I never liked the big company of people. But i never liked being completely alone either. I never was a party boy. I always liked meeting people some normal way. But it's hard to meet people out of parties, bars, etc.. I don't like to drink alcohol, i don't like being drunk, i'm not taking drugs, i don't smoke... And basicaly because i don't like to do these crazy things, i ended up being more alone. I always had like 3 friends max. Now i am 31 years old and these friends doesn't care about me much anymore. Before i got internet, i used to play videogames a lot. And i played them with those friends. When i got internet, i reduced the amount of time playing games. Although i still did enjoy playing games and still enjoying them now. But now, i play only occasionally. After the school, i couldn't find job. I don't have high education. I am just a cook, but couldn't find job in it. After some time, i gave up on working in cooking and started searching for something else. By time, i forgot the cooking. But i was always struggling in searching for any job. Since my 20 till now, i was working about 4 years total max. Which is 4 years of 11. My mother divorced with my father when i was 10. My father is difficult case. His behavior to me wasn't any law breaking or stuff like that, but was bad. He was beating me in my school years when i was about 12 - 17. He was also cursing me. Although he never saw how down i was always feeling about it, because he was always so blind. I was also bullied in school, because i was silent type of guy. But mainly because of father's way of rising me, i ended up not being strong enough and didn't have enough inner will to overcome stuff and fight hard for my survival like finding job etc.. So i stuck and since my 20 till now, my life didn't move. It's like i am still 20 years old, but the problem is, i am 31. I didn't have a single progression in my life since then. And i ended up not talking to my father, even though we lived together. I was always avoiding him. Later, when i got older, he became a little bit wiser, but he was only less aggressive. He still had that stupid behavior and still has. He is so not understanding person. He is like he sees stuff that are only directly in front of his eyes, but nothing more, if you understand me. It's like everyone must be same as him and if you aren't, there is something wrong with you. So i was mostly home during those 11 years. I wasn't coming out much. I did, but not so much as i should. And i felt alone, more and more. I was never loved by a woman. Today, i feel like love is the only thing that could heal me. I feel psychically extremely weak today. Crying almost everyday. Sometime a lot during a day. And now... my father is selling this house. I do understand him on one hand. He was paying bills for both of us. He is 67 years old, retired. He has a partner and he wants to live with her. And i am 31 years old, which is old enough to live on my own. But if his approach to me was different since my childhood, i could be somewhere else today and this drama with selling house wouldn't be happening. He wanted to give this house to me. Which would be possible if his behavior was different. But like that i wouldn't be able to take it alone now. I don't have money for paying bills alone and this house also needs some repairs. So i will be forced to move, which will happen in about 2 months max. I will be moving to apartment that is still in my city, but i don't like that place at all. But the biggest problem i'm having with it is, that i will be moving to new environment completely alone and i'm having nightmares from it. Yesterday, i had to sign domicile to the new apartment. I was shaking and had hard time not to cry. I don't have problem living on my own. I would welcome it, if i wouldn't have to live alone. I miss love so much. SO MUCH! It's hard to talk about it. It never sounds so serious as i feel it. But i'm dreaming living with some nice girl who would love me. Who would be waiting for me home, when i return from work. I wouldn't care if she would cook for me or not. If she would love me, i would be happy. And here is the problem. No girl will want me when i'm not happy. And i'm not happy because i'm alone. But how much ok it is when girl don't want you only because you are not happy? Sad thing is, it is quite normal. Even friends doesn't want to be with you when they see you down. Jesus christ why? I mean, i am still me. I am just sad now, so be here for me if you are my friend and you can make me feel happier. But no, people rather run away, because it's perhaps easier like that. Same for girl. She can reject you only because you are not happy with yourself. I hear it all the time the same crap over and over: "you first have to be happy with yourself". This is so much nonsense! SO MUCH NONSENSE! Why people are like this? :'( If i saw sad girl, i would first want to know her how she is. If her character would be nice, i would fall in love, no matter if she smiles at the moment or if she cries in sorrow. Because if i could make her happy, that would be even more beautiful for me. Why people can't see it that way? And it's like every second person. Why? I was also chatting with a lot of people on facebook and other social websites. There it is even worse. When i start talking about my problems, they start to be annoyed. Some sooner, some later. So now, i am afraid to talk about my problems. Especially now,when i feel down so much as never before. Because i need to talk to people so much. Do you understand what effect this ignorance of people to sad people can have and most of the time does have? Suicide! Yes. How many times you saw in news for example that someone suicided? And then at least in news in my country, the journalists go and ask people in the person's neighborhood, if they know why he killed himself. Sometime they saw some problems, but many times, they say: "i don't know what was wrong with him, he seemed ok to me". You know why? Because actually even sad people has this in head that they shouldn't speak about their problems with others, because it could ruin their happy mood. This is so wrong! It has to stop. Speak about your problems, but mainly hear other people's problems and try to help especially if the person is your friend. Well, sometime also the problem is not visible on them because when sad people are among other people, they aren't sad. It works for me too. So that means that the other people see him ok because they see him only when he is with them obviously. But when he gets home again. He feels down again. I now don't know what to do myself. I have no strength anymore to try for something. I love music, i like to draw, i like reading about universe and watching documentaries about it. I like movies. I was thinking about studying music. Try to learn some instrument in order to make some living from it. But all i heard from people was that it's too late for that now. That to learn the instrument and making living from it, you need to start from childhood. Which discouraged me because part of me actually knows that it's true. I wanted to get some drawing lesson this year, but since father came up with the house selling, i am so depressed now that it paralyzed me. I have no strength to do anything now. And now i found friend on facebook. But only on facebook. She is from Germany. She is so nice. She sent me an letter where she says: "To my dearest friend Viktor - and her name-". And she also says some supportive words there. She did hit my heart so much with that, that i kind of fell in love with her. Yea, on internet. It's weird, i know. And she has boyfriend, so... But she is so kind and also so pretty and since i am so sensitive today and in need of love, it's hard for me to resist. I so wanted to tell her my problems. She said that i can tell her that she won't leave me. So i did. She did not leave me and said some supportive words. But now, i'm afraid she is getting bored from it even if she don't say it. I need her with me. I'm not sure if i truly love her. It's more like my heart is desperately seeking for someone who would love me too. I feel more than just a friendship but not sure if love. Today, we talked about that we could try voice chat together. It should be in evening. I'm looking forward to it, but i'm also nervous. My speaking english is not so good. I am so afraid that she will get annoyed. And even if she won't, i do miss her here so much and it's making me more sad because i know we can't be together. I am still looking for love. Just posting on forum won't fix anything for me. I need someone with me here. I need someone to live with me in the new apartment. I am so scared to be there alone. Some people thinks i'm coward because of it. Maybe you think the same. I simply have no strength anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore :'( Thanks all who had patient to read this to the end. I'm sure i forgot mention something. Oh well. But this post is ling enough already, anyway. Good luck to you all, Viktor.