nobody is there

[solxce]

it’s like i have nobody to talk to right now and it’s all my fault. i make the worst choices and i dont know what to do.

for example i had a girlfriend and she was really good to me. i hinted at my past and stuff and i mean she was supportive of me. i never told her i was struggling right now and i got into drugs, what im dealing with and i dont even know why.

if you’ve read my earlier posts i feel like i dont open up about it to people because they’ll see me as the ‘druggie’ or the ‘expelled kid’. everything got worse and worse so i broke up with her so she doesn’t have to deal with me and know what i’m going through. i deliberately acted really bad saying some bad things so she would hate me.

i dont know what to do anymore, even my friends i cant say because i feel ill be judged. i tried therapy but it honestly feels like im talking to a wall. the therapists honestly just do some bullshit and squeeze my deepest darkest secrets out and write it on their notepad. it doesn’t even feel empathetic they just do it because it’s their job they get payed to do it.

my family is the most academic focused ever. all of them graduates from top colleges and universities with crazy gpa’s. they indirectly put so much pressure on me by saying ‘ youre the oldest set the standard for ur siblings’ and they never listen to me. once they have something in their mind no matter how illogical it is no amount of words will change their view

i try to say something and they’ll say ‘talk’. as i talk about why they’re wrong nothing enters their ears and they always always bring up what i did to get expelled (they still think i did it by myself). they can’t just use that against me, they have no idea how much i struggled.

i cant tell them the truth even now because i’m scared of what they’ll think. that i put them through that trauma of their son being a failure expelled because i ‘bullied’ a kid to protect people that abused me.

sorry this was kinda a rant for more context on this just read my past stuff. again anyone experiencing or experienced this your words are valued

 

[may71]

everything got worse and worse so i broke up with her so she doesn’t have to deal with me and know what i’m going through. i deliberately acted really bad saying some bad things so she would hate me.

I think it would be good to contact her and tell her this. Maybe if you're in a better place down the road you could see her again, or even if you don't, at least she'll know what was really going on.

I'm sorry your family is putting so much pressure on you. Unfortunately a lot of parents see their kids as vehicles for their vicarious glory rather than as human beings.

 

[another world]

i try to say something and they’ll say ‘talk’. as i talk about why they’re wrong nothing enters their ears and they always always bring up what i did to get expelled (they still think i did it by myself). they can’t just use that against me, they have no idea how much i struggled.

i cant tell them the truth even now because i’m scared of what they’ll think. that i put them through that trauma of their son being a failure expelled because i ‘bullied’ a kid to protect people that abused me.

You're the one who want through by far the most trauma from that expulsion etc.

Even if you had told the teachers about how you were coerced into punching a kid, it might not have worked out for you. The bullies would have claimed total innocence in the matter. There's a good chance the teachers would have believed them and not you.

I'd advise learning about things like narcissism, cults, "systems of control" in general.

Quite annoyed on your behalf to be honest. Seems like you don't have much to lose by telling your family the truth, although maybe they just won't believe you or something, which would be annoying, but maybe it's worth having a go. Anyway, lots of people get expelled from a school and go on to have good lives.

 

[Lisa the Ferrociraptor]

I've definitely experienced the same thing myself. Felt like i couldn't talk to anyone, cos nobody wanted to hear it. And for someone who was such a habitual people-pleaser, and the eternal perfect abuse victim, it was a real nightmare.

I think the main solution i've found, and i'm aware, this is a solution that's far easier said than put into practice, but it's to just come right out and say it anyway. Some people won't want to hear it. Some people will be upset to learn this stuff about you. Some people will think less of you for it. But my honest response to that is, so what?

Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that's an easy attitude to take. It took me a lot of time and work to reach the point where i could honestly respond to those kind of fears with "so what?" But it's so worth it imho.

The really cool people, they're the ones who will hear your truth, and have your back. They're the ones who are worth listening to when you're trying to evaluate yourself. The others, the ones who would put you down for feeling the way you do, or think less of you because of it? That's a reflection on them, not you. It reveals they're the ones being shitty people, not you.
Marilyn Manson once said it beautifully: "It's not your fault that they're always wrong."